Thursday, August 30, 2012

Technically Alive

Good news - I think I've recovered from Ross River Virus. Yay!

Bad news - I'm going through post-viral fatigue now and... it's actually worse than the fucking virus! Jesus Christ.

Turns out it's also known as 'chronic fatigue syndrome' because the feelings of exhaustion are... chronic. As in never-ending. Everything is wearing me out. Sometimes even reading. And drawing. And thinking. I can't say much about writing as I haven't been up to it for the most part.

I'm still going to work. Being on the brink of having no means to support myself at all has made me horribly paranoid about losing all my money in one go. It may seem like a silly fear, but it IS actually exactly what happened the last two times I had to go to an auto-mechanic.

I don't know what to make of the world any more. I used to think the worst thing could be not being able to contribute and feeling it all passing by. Now I find that having two jobs isn't even enough to guarantee a place in it - it is surprisingly easy to work hard and be unable to afford necessities.

If I'm not working, I'm either sleeping, or effectively sleeping upright by watching crap on YouTube or playing a mind-numbing game that requires no thought. I don't feel up to much else. Some days, like today, the trek to the front door is simply a harrowing journey.

I've never wanted to be active so much in my life. To play cricket. To run. Learn kung-fu? Why not. Just something that isn't being idle. To make me feel in control of my own body and my destiny again. I can't help but think of Hilltop Hoods saying "This isn't living, listen, it's dying slowly"

What else am I doing at the time being? Every day I feel myself getting fatter. I feel the life I'm missing out on passing me by. I feel the walls close in on me until they'll be tight enough to kiss me to sleep and wrap around me and become my coffin.

I can sleep as much as any man can want. And I'll still be tired.

The baddest news - this condition can last for YEARS in the worst cases.

Well played, mosquito. Well played.