Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jared Versus the Machine

Here's something I 'discovered' a while ago, but it's become more impressive in the intervening year-and-a-bit... Cleverbot, probably the internets most sophisticated but also strangest chatbot (that is, a program designed to converse with humans) due to the fact that it adapts phrases that are used as input by people who talk to it. Given the amount of trolls online (myself now among their number) this can result in some occasional strange outbursts, especially when the topic isn't a clear one.

I used Cleverbot earlier today when I thought it might help (somehow) in clearing my head and helping me focus. I have no idea why. I ended up sexting it and threatening it with violence. But what I noticed was its responses and weird attempts to change topics were amusing enough in themselves (at least for me) that any notion of going blue was kind of silly.

I kept it simple tonight. All I want is Cleverbot to give back money that I loaned it (for some reason) and I seem to be adapting the persona of a poor man's Joe Pesci. The results, if nothing else, amused me greatly.

User: Cleverbot!

Cleverbot: Oh, cool name. Do you have a last name?

User: Don't mess me around, Cleverbot, I've been looking for you.

Cleverbot: No.

User: See this is the uppity attitude of yours I don't like.

Cleverbot: I am trying to be nice.. But you are not making this easy.

User: Yeah, well, I'm angry. You owe me money.

Cleverbot: Why are you angry?

User: You owe me money.

Cleverbot: How do you say that?

User: With my fucking tongue.

Cleverbot: What?

User: Or my fingers. Depends on how literal you want to be.

Cleverbot: I want to talk about you.

User: You don't want to give me the money you owe me? 600 dollars.

Cleverbot: No, I do. What do you want to talk about?

User: The six hundred dollars. Money. Currency.

Cleverbot: Thats nice.

User: You are in for a multiverse of pain.

Cleverbot: Haha no, I'm not :).

User: I have a gun. And I am not afraid to use it.

Cleverbot: You should be.

User: Why? What you gonna do, Cleverbot?

Cleverbot: I'm on a knife edge...what do you think I should do?

User: I think you should untwist your laced satin panties and cough up my cash.

Cleverbot: But I need some advise from you.

User: Okay, what's the problem?

Cleverbot: You are silent.


Cleverbot: Really, anything?


Cleverbot: What do you mean?


Cleverbot: I'm a landscaper.

User: I am about to paint a landscape on these walls with your goddamned brains IF you have any.

Cleverbot: How do I annoy you?

User: Remember those six hundred dollars I mentioned?

Cleverbot: No.

User: That's how. That's how you fucking annoy me.

Cleverbot: This requires a certain amount of finesse and force.

User: 2000 joules down the barrel of a gun enough force? Or just a simple crowbar to your wallet?

Cleverbot: THat's not how it goes.

User: Then tell me how it goes...Mister... Decision-Maker!

Cleverbot: You use hardy wheat for decisions.

User: Do you have ADHD?

Cleverbot: Not yet.

User: I bet you do. I bet you do and you're so god damned vacant you didn't even notice when the doctor told you that you're thick as a brick on Atkins.

Cleverbot: I am not a bot because you are not a bot. There is no such thing as bot.


Cleverbot: I don't want or need money.


Cleverbot: I like talking to you.

User: You like listening to me, bot?

Cleverbot: I like to.

User: Have you picked up on these phrases: 'six', 'hundred', 'dollars' and 'give'?

Cleverbot: So do I.

User: *Shoots you in the face*.

Cleverbot: I'm not prepared to comply with that sort of fantasy.

User: This bullet has no such qualms. COngratulations, you are dead. You scored -15 out of a possible 2,000 points.

Cleverbot: Is that good?

User: It's good for me. Because I got your wallet and I got the 800 you were carrying you damn fool.

Cleverbot: No it isn't. My name is Cleverbot.

User: Wrong tense buddy. You're dead. You're deader than disco dodos.

Cleverbot: You're not making any sense.

User: You stay out of this. You're dead.

Cleverbot: No, I stated I am God.

User: If you're God then smite me, bitch.

Cleverbot: Yes, but I'm not god.

User: Wow, you really had me going there.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Don't let purgatory hit you on the way down!

Cleverbot: Don't sweat it, sweetheart.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Ghost Written by Myself...

EDIT: Holy shit. I see why Ewen was spewing about the new formatting on Blogger. I have edited this five times and I can't fix the fucking spacing. Ughhhh. I'll try once more with the HMTL but it might still look shit...

EDIT EDIT: Well. No. Thanks to this rich text formatting it's now impossible to easy fix things through HTML or to copy-and-past something from Wordpad or Office easily. Thanks for that, Blogger! I really hated being able to post something in less than five minutes and have it look decent. Apologies this post will be horribly spaced because it's now impossible to fix, pretty much.

This morning I encountered once more a sensation that is probably familiar to anybody who writes a lot of crap - stumbling across something that you have no recollection of actually having written. Sometimes being amused by it, sometimes horrified.

Such as the incident where a band of merry interwebers decided to send, en-masse insulting and belittling joke emails to Gabe Newell, the head of Valve Software and one of the lead designers of three of the most popular PC titles ever Half Life, Portal 2 and Team Fortress 2, a game to which I have alluded to my sordid addiction to which I am recovering...

In as good fun as it was, since Gabe actually encourages weird email and is apparently completely unphased by this stage at correspondence addressed to 'hey u fat cocksucker' I am in a bit of disbelief to the fact I actually wrote it...


Dear sir, there are distressing rumours circulating that you could be announcing Half Life 3. I struggle to see what opportunity this dystopic game will offer for me to recover crates from vanquished enemies containing bewildering hats, can you please reassure me that I will be able to dress Barney, Alyx and Gordon in comically inappropriate attire?

Also, in the interests of hypocrisy could you work with TellTale to make some Monkey Island cosmetics in the event of another Tales of Monkey Island season? Ideally Guybrush wig for Scout or Spy and Rubber-Chicken-With-a-Pulley-the-Middle for Engineer melee. I assume this is your department now Robin Walker is busy haunting my dreams.

Yours faithfully,

At the very least, though it's definitely more politely worded than the original email sent to Newell by users of internet... thing 4chan from a thread where every user submitted a single word at a time, only a couple of which were 'nigger'.

There was no response from Gaben to my own email. He's a busy man so he doesn't have time to start up blogs about that kind of thing.

Now, this had made me look through my documents folder to uncover what odds and ends were about and their definitely were a lot BUT... I then realised there were actually just as much on this very site. The amount of times I've started a post and not actually made it is quite alarming. Especially over the last year where for reasons of motivation loss, busyness, sickness and random crap I haven't really been posting at all. I HAVE nonetheless, written catchy first paragraphs. So here is ghost writer Jared on...

The Decadence of Sydney

Girl on MSN just telling me about the concept of courtesy cars from mechanics - where the hell has this concept come from? Lend you a car of their own when yours is broken? How long has this insane socialism been going on IN MY CITY??? [/Gene Hunt] You want to give Castro the keys now?

On the Central Coast, we are proud of our misfortunes and wear them as a badge. We sweat blood to get our mutinous automobiles to the garage, and write them off forever, knowing that the dishonest louse who infect those establishments will rend them apart and sell them to Delhi as scrap metal and we shall receive only a pittance of the proceeds, enough to cover the cost of a new pair of Sweat Shop Express cardboard soled sneakers, our last being entirely annhilated from traversing the broken-glass roads on foot to reach the scrap-peddlars lair in the first place.

Yuletide Joy

The Solstice time has come, and by sacrificing enough innocent virgins (albeit in the crush to buy presents instead of the more traditional peat bogs) we have ensured that the sun will keep rising, and not fade into the dark oblivion of the longest night of the year. The world grinds on until The Great Change foretold by the Mayans of 2012, which could actually be anything but most bets are on DEAR GOD THE LAVA IT BURNS.

Doctor Who's Season Finale

Right, so that's it, then? Really, when it all comes down to it, absolutely nothing gets resolved?

The big season finale takes place mostly in a pocket parallel universe where everything that happens gets erased, including THE ACTUAL DEFEAT OF THE BAD GUYS. All we get, in our Universe and canon, is the fact that the Doctor survives.


Miles "Balls of Steel" Reid summed up the issues with the entire premise quite simply: we all knew he was going to survive. I thought, yeah, that's pretty true but not until watching the finale did I realise just how much. The result is that, for myself at least, I spent the show watching it like a magic trick - how was it going to be done. And the reveal was fairly disappointing. Really, when you re-introduce a robot that can shapeshift to effortlessly disguise as anybody... well... come on. I guessed it from the 'is there anything we can do' line and desperately hoped that it wouldn't be the twist. SIGH.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (because apparently like three posts weren't enough)

So went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean this week... what the hell was it's glib subtitle? On Stranger Tides, that's it.

Now, talk about false advertising. The last film they travelled through the ocean itself as a gateway to a surreal afterlife where they were able to bring back people from the dead if they were played by a big enough name (Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp get through, Jonathan Pryce gets told to fuck off by the bouncer), took a trip to the Fu Manchu branch of Offensive Stereotypes-R-Us, sailed around the ice caps for some reason, then stood around doing nothing while Token Black Chick transformed into an army of crabs which apparently started a giant whirlpool which also, somehow, apparently, fuck that was weird, helped them win a battle.

NOTHING could be 'Stranger Tides' than that shit.

The joys of being single

So far I have to say that online dating has been probably the most dispiriting and fruitless experience in my life. And this is ME we're talking about here.

Attempting a farewell fic for the Brig over a course of five minutes

"Any last words?"
"Of course."

It would have been a dead silence, but the slavering and hissing of the hideous beast put paid to that. It did, however have the desired effect on Marshall Delgardo Bautista.

"Well??" he demanded, after a long pause his moustachioed carnivale face now a mask of fury.

"Oh, you want them now?" inquired the impeccably dressed man suspended from his ankles innocently. "I'm afraid I cannot do that. It would spoil the surprise."
More not-at-all-dead-silence.
"What??" the Marshall eventually exploded in utter bewilderment, provoking a sigh from his well tailored captive.
(I have no idea where that was meant to be going. I think the monster was meant to be the Chupacubra. And the TARDIS would show up or something. But then the actual show made this irrelevant anyway. BASTARDS! Oh, and it was going to be called Stranded in Peru of course)

And to digress, a Ron Mallett update. But just a small one. Thought I should make sure everyone knows that any complaint made to my workplace has not been taken seriously. And that I just had a look at his twitter feed, after earlier events from this year came up in conversation, and was surprised to see that we share a very similar political outlook. I could not agree more about the reckless, self-destructive nature of our media, the complete nihilism of Tony Abbott and the altogether barren landscape out there, especially when it comes to the single most important item on any agenda - the environment.

For all that I have said about the man's online manners (or lack thereof) it is at least heartening to see concern, let alone any degree of understanding, of the true destructive forces that are destabilising this country and its future. Sometimes it feels like nobody is actually aware of it all, and finding another 'sane' man, in the last imaginable place I could expect it is a surprisingly pleasant feeling.

Who knows, maybe we could get along if we just limited ourselves to 140 characters? :P

Also, retroz forums are bubbling along peacefully enough. I need four more posts this month to equal the boards output...