Thursday, May 20, 2010

World T20 : Three-pronged analysis

EGO: Hello, and welcome once again to the mind of Jared Hansen. Something very unusual has happened - Australia has suffered one of the most embarassing defeats possible in global cricket and there has been no attached blog post. How do you reason this is even possible?

SUPEREGO: There are many possibilities. Firstly, the shock of England, a nation with the lowest level of athleticism outside of Vatican City, actually having the capability to win any sporting event at all is very powerful to a red-blooded male from another nation - this can be witnessed in the fact that nobody can remember who won all the medals in the last Olympics.

EGO: And who did?

SUPEREGO: I'm actually not sure but it must be relevant to my argument somehow. Now, that England should not only win, full stop, but win their first cricket tournament ever having only made it into the final of one such event once, nearly 20 years ago, should surprise. To a man with investment in the sport in question, it may indeed leave him in a catatonic state, scarcely able to breathe and reason in a form of life-support maintained only by episodes of Farscape and Family Guy and Heinz baked beans.

EGO: Is this especially common?

SUPEREGO: Who can say? Had England won a World Cup during the Farscape cancellation crisis we would have far more empirical evidence, but sadly that did not happen and the Claudia Black quotient of worldwide television reached all-time lows. Another possibility is that the young man, messr. Hansen could have committed suicide.

EGO: Would that not kill us as well?

SUPEREGO: It's not as uncommon as you think for people to unsucessfully shoot themselves, you know. It was precisely the fate that befell Captain Henry Sobel of the famous Easy Company from that Steven Spielberg show.

EGO: ....

SUPEREGO: The David Schwimmer guy.

EGO: I've never actually seen it.

SUPEREGO: Yes, I know, we are rather limited to what Jared actually watches aren't we? I wanted to watch Blackpool, you know.

EGO: We got one episode.

SUPEREGO: It was out of context! Anyway, I discounted that theory after it became apparent that the boy was transcribing our conversation right now.

EGO: Yes. It's a bit of a breach of privacy.

SUPEREGO: But also a display of the dextrous typing at speeds of 80wpm he keeps putting in his unsuccessful job applications. I think the most likely theory is that he is in a complete malaise and when we consider the fact he hasn't even blogged about the last five episodes of Doctor Who, his supposedly favourite television it can scarcely seem surprising.

EGO: And so... your thoughts on the game.

SUPEREGO: I didn't actually see it, did I? As nobody did unless they were willing to buy at least 5 Foxtel packages. All I have to work on are stories written on Cricinfo and terrifying footage of a grinning Graeme Swann. Needless to say, T20 cricket is a horribly unpredictable version of the game - the brevity of it allowed the un-ranked Afghani team into the contest to begin with and then to nearly win. Furthermore, Australia's team was quite imbalanced with what many would argue to be one batsman more than is favourable and a clear candidate to be de-selected from the team in the form the serious under-performing Michael Clarke. It's hard to escape the fact that even whilst thousands are saying he single-handedly lost Australia the match at the same time he registered his best score from the entire tournament with 27 from 27 deliveries - mediocre in any form of the game. You cannot argue with statistical evidence unless you are a calculator or a Scientologist, as we well know.

EGO: Thank you. That was very concise and reasonable.

SUPEREGO: My pleasure.

EGO: we take the gag off now?

SUPEREGO: If you must.

ID: *GASP* Alright you slags, take off your fucking cocktail dresses because your faggot tea party is over!

SUPEREGO: We are abstract concepts, we don't wear-

ID: Okay, take off your ABSTRACT cocktail dresses you four-eyed twat!

SUPEREGO: Why do assume I have glasses?

ID: Why do you ASSUME I have a reasonable answer? Let me lay some science on you `packers - FUCK YOU AUSTRALIA! You guys were poorly prepared to go out on a Mardi Gras float, let alone the world stage! Where was your Chuck Norris powers today, Nannes? Or should I saw Nannes-y Boy? If you can't get 4 four wickets every game then WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT???

SUPEREGO: You seem to be trying to legitimise your argument by quoting Gwen Cooper, the least-popular TV character to ever exist. A less logical course of action I cannot imagine.

ID: You don't have to imagine, because I'm about to give it to you with both barrels! ...



EGO: Woah.

SUPEREGO: A man who was not even present at the game and retired from cricket well over 30 years ago.

ID: That's how much hate I have right now.

SUPEREGO: Is it possible to direct it more logically?

ID: What is this logic you keep talking to me about, Zachary Quinto? Now, Shaun Tait - fuck you. You can get as many aerodynamic haircuts as you want, but nobody cares about your 150 kph balls.


ID: NOBODY! God damnit we want RESULTS in the form of CORPSES! Johnson! ... you tan badly. Smith! ....I hate your hair, too, and you little bit like a guy I went to school with who was fucking annoying! Hussey! You've looked like a toucan who's been stretched on a rack and painted white for years but nobody has mentioned it to you! Warner! You... share a name with that guy from The Omen. And that movie SUCKS!

EGO: What exactly are you doing?

ID: I dedicated myself to say something negative about every member of the side.

EGO: But everyone you listed played well.

ID: Nobody can be spared. We need to start getting SOMETHING to go on the death certificate. Watson! ... you stole... my cat. I LOVED THAT CAT MAN! White.... you have tiny, crab like eyes. Hussey... THERE'S ALREADY A HUSSEY ON THE SIDE! What the fuck do you think this is, some kind of Nintendo game? I don't want incest on my side! I want... hot chicks! What have you got against hot chicks, David? Huh? Is it because they can BAT BETTER THAN YOU? Is that it? You been seeing Sophie Devine on the side? You SLUT! Stick to your own end of the Tasman! ...who was twelfth man?

SUPEREGO: They generally don't bother with a twelfth man in 20 over cricket, considering the entire squad is on the sidelines and the entire game is over in 180 minutes.

ID: ...

EGO: Hehe, told.

ID: Fuck you! But who WOULD have been Twelfth Man?

SUPEREGO: Ryan Harris.

ID: Ryan... you look like a fucking were-wombat.

EGO: Is it fair to lambast players solely on grounds of idiosyncratic appearances?

ID: I'm not about fair, E, you know that as well anyone. Now... Haddin... you are so ginger you make David Tennant cry. BUT this has all been nothing but a build up to that revolting baby-faced slag, the Bingle-banging, Kat-slapped, non-singing, whistle-blowing, namby-pamby stick-it-up-your Tandy, boy scout, wishy-washy, "Oh, I need to pick my game up sir but I got a note from my mum" six-packed, brain-damaged fucking 5'7 chunk of Milky Boy kid who may very well be the illegitimate son of Kevin Rudd, PUP NEMO. aka MJ Clarke. Now... oh, damnit.

EGO: What now?

ID: I peaked too early... I think I'm out of hate for the time being.

SUPEREGO: My word.

EGO: Well, that's a shame. Though I did like your impromptu Thin Blue Line homage.

ID: Well.... thanks. Anyway, Michael Clarke should be dropped, Cameron White made captain and Dougie Bollinger brought in as an extra strike bowler.

SUPEREGO: ...that. Sounds sensible. This is remarkable!

ID: Well, I know my sports.

SUPEREGO: Though personally I think Nathan Hauritz wou-

ID: Are you fucking kidding me? HAURITZ??? That Jewish mono-browed garden gnome of a thumb-twiddler...

EGO: *Ahem* We don't know if he is Jewish and that's immateri-

ID: I KNOW EVERYTHING, because I'm just like Buddy Rich, motherfucker! Hauritz has nothing to bring us except poor hygeine and comedic fielding! I'll take cancer in my pelvis before I take Hauritz! Now, back to Clarke... there's only one thing to do with Clarke to improve his batting and we all know the answer is castration.

EGO: What?

ID: YOU HEARD ME! Emergency testoctomy! His balls have gotten him into far too much trouble! Come on, how do you explain his batting falling away at the same time as he was going out with Lara, hmm? Two things that significant happening at once? CO-INCIDENCE! That would be impossible!

SUPEREGO: No, that is actually the very definition of coincidence. Two significant events co-inciding temporally.

ID: DID I ASK FOR A PHD IN FAGOLOGY? So as I said, we need to cut out his heart and give it Tezcatlipoca.


EGO: ...

SUPEREGO: I am twice as baffled as you are, I assure you.

EGO: I think we're going to end this roundtable here.

ID: Hey, come on, I didn't even get to comment on the Brad Haddin bruising incident!

SUPEREGO: How do you even know who Tezcatlipoca is?

ID: He's on my FaceBook.


Youth of Australia said...

The genius of this nearly killed me. I think it was the "degree in fagology" screamed by the illigitimate offspring of Mr. Gormsby and Steve Foxx raised by Steven Colbert was what did it.

It was like that Andrew Denton skit decades ago, where the inside of a guy's brain is a wierd disco full of clones of the guy, each one a specific personality - and one bound and gagged because when he gets loose, the real guy will beat up anyone he meets who irritates him.

"Oh noes! Self-restraint is breaking loose!"

Seriously. Fucking genius.


Send it to Big Finish, show em what they missed.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

lol I should have submitted a story set entirely in the Doctor's head where they all scream abuse at each other, eh?

Don't know if you remember but this is basically the sequel to my post about us performing poorly in the Ashes. If we lose again this Summer there will probably be another troika post...

Youth of Australia said...

I'll have to look for the other post. If it's of this quality it might prove fatal - but it will be worth it.