Sunday, May 30, 2010

Nazis! At the Sex Store: An Unauthorised Biography of Your Grand Mother

Let me begin this post with an off-putting and irrelevent image I designed in protest to a fellow-but-actually-better amateur adventure game enthusiast being BLOCKED from posting an image contianing the swastika on Photobucket for a possibly upcoming WWII game.

He's Jimmy the Historically Aware Offensive Icon. I tried giving him SS eyes but it didn't look good. Lovingly made in MSPaint in five minutes as with most of my artwork.

In other news, sex shops are pretty boring. Went to my first one yesterday and... well. I wasn't there to buy, dragged along by a bisexual friend (who I may have called Lady Loosepeggs in a much, much earlier post) hungry for more paraphernalia to insert into her unholier cavity so there wasn't much to do but look and frankly there's nothing there that I cannot see on the internet without creepy men in tan raincoats staring at me in a disturbing manner or an awkward female premise in the form of a pale shop girl who appeared in endless fear of being stabbed.

An obvious problem is the fact that guys don't really have sex toys, a cause that Kevin Smith has been championing recently since his podcast has been sponsored by The Fleshlight, America's Best-Selling Male Sex Toy, which as we all know (er... don't we?) is a rubber vagina-in-a-tube that to the untrained eye may indeed look like a flashlight. (It wasn't until it was discussed in Zak and Miri Make a Porno, in a discussion incedently directly quoted from Smith and his wife shopping on Amazon, that I actually got what the 'light' was referring to and suddenly the weird name made sense) For some reason there's a gigantic double standard where men are seeing as being born with the Ulimate Masturbatory Accessory (ie, a hand) and are weird for looking elsewhere for anything. A quote I heard in highschool was a disgusted 'men will fuck anything' in response to a third-hand story about blow-up-ladies, which really is ironic considering the mass of material the typical woman will lodge within themselves.

So, because this was a seemingly reputable store which didn't really sully itself with prosthetic pussies or the fabled 'real girls', 90% of the stock was nothing but penis substitutes, and frankly I'm only interested in the real deal - that is, my deal. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be involved in the most precision-targeted shark attack ever and will come crawling back to the wilting flower of a girl behind the counter and demanding the largest and most authentic member they possess.

After a cursory examination of the disappointingly small S&M stock and raising an eyebrow at the 'swinging sex harness' I turned my attention to the dingier corner where all the DVDs were, as the fictitious scenarios presented there was the only truly interesting aspect to it all. Even so, Loosepeggs was hunting like a sex-crazed truffle pig for the perfect implement to deprive of sunlight for quite some time so I effectively ended up doing an inventory check through the store. I was annoyed at myself for breaking my cardinal rule of not laughing at any titles, but was defeated early on when I saw "Hey, your grandma's a whore!" vol 18. This ended up being my second-favourite title after "Fix my Tranny: Lube Job in Rear Only".

When I relayed this information afterwards in the car in wont of conversation, Ms I-just-spend-30-minutes-looking-for-something-to-cram-in-my-anus lightly chastised me saying I'd 'Gone over to the darkside' and that I should have 'stuck to the mainstream'. This attitude, I have to say, offended me - had I done anything wrong at looking at a DVD? Am I depraved the instant I look at an image?

And now I fall back on my proud recent tradition of quoting directly from my FaceBook with no forethought needed whatsoever, as I went on to discuss this fairly thoroughly. My status post started it all, with a straightforward query:

"If you cannot browse tranny DVDs at a sex shop without being judged, then WHERE CAN YOU???"

A question I do indeed stand by. The response indicated hostility to the subject matter is fairly widespread.

AK: LOL. Is this rhetorical?

JJ: Not serious are u?

Although to be fair one of the respondents may have remembered me as being somewhat prurient in my high school days. They would also be wrong but might just think that anyway. I responded thus:

"The friends I was with today went to a sex shop. Not much held my interest aside from the DVDs - once I was finished with the 'mainstream' section I went on to browse the more interesting titles. Plus I don't see why people are put off by trannies. Those bits in their original packaging are popular, yet the combo deal isn't? By consumer logic at least it makes perfect sense."

Even though I thought of it just then, I think it's a good point. It's like transsexual porn is the result of marketing gone wrong, the old "two great tastes, they'll taste great together!" viewpoint. One half of the market likes breasts, the other half likes penis, anyone in the margins will like a combination of the two! That gives you a market base of 100% of the people in the Universe (aside from those who don't like porn - but it could just be because they haven't seen THIS shit yet!)

For this reason I conclude William T. Ford is truly responsible for tranny porn.

I totally saw about a dozen DVDs I'd have bought in a heartbeat, too.

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