Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Talking to yourself: Intelligent conversation not guaranteed

When watching the news last night

JARED: Hey, who's that actress in the photo? Looks kinda like Rachel Weisz or Liz Hurley. They're hot. Surely I'd have noticed if they were in anything recently?

HIGH AND MIGHTY JARED: ...that's Kathryn Bigelow.

JARED: Oh. Right.... so what's she been in?

HAMRED: She hasn't been in anything.

JARED: What? So why's there a photo of her with 'BAFTAs' written next to it?

HAMRED: Because she won a BAFTA!

JARED: ...but you said she isn't in anything!

HAMRED: No! - because she's a director, you fucking idiot! She did The Hurt Locker.

JARED: Ohhhh. Right. I think it says a bit about the movie industry that it didn't occur to me that a woman could win Best Director.

HAMRED: Really? Or does it say a bit about you?

JARED: What's that meant to mean?

HAMRED: I think maybe you overlook women directors entirely.

JARED: What? You crazy, motherfucker!

HAMRED: Okay, then. Name some.

JARED: Erm.... erm..... erm.... Fiona Cumming.

HAMRED: She's a TV director.

JARED: She's still a director.

HAMRED: From Doctor Who twenty years ago. That really doesn't count.

JARED: You didn't stipulate anything like this!

HAMRED: I didn't think that I'd have to. Come on, man, you only remember her name because it sounds a little dirty.

JARED: Hey, but she did Enlightenment and Planet of Fire. Those stories were pinata!

HAMRED: Okay, no more messing around, a female FILM director.

JARED: Okay... erm.... erm.... ermmm.... the chick who's done It's Complicated and I think may have done About Schmidt as well.

HAMRED: The chick?

JARED: The lady! The lady!

HAMRED: You don't even know her name or if she did that second film.

JARED: Yeah, well.... erm... there was the.. woman.. who did The Oyster Farmer. That's two I don't know the names of. Surely that would add up to one I DO know the name of?

HAMRED: Sigh, you're setting the bar very low...

JARED: Okay what about.. Kathryn Bigelow.

HAMRED: That's the one I brought up a few minutes ago.

JARED: Okay... Alice Bell!

HAMRED: She wrote Suburban Mayhem.

JARED: Yeah...

HAMRED: You expect me to be impressed at the mere fact you are able to remember a female's name in general?

JARED: Well... you put it like that you make me sound like a prick. Surely Meryl Streep has directed something?

HAMRED: You know her as an actress!

JARED: Christ! This sucks. How many people can name a heap of directors, anyway? Huh?

HAMRED: How many can you name?

JARED: Just a couple. Steven Spielberg. Martin Scorses. Francis Ford Coppola. The obvious ones, you know. Like...Peter Weir, Kevin Smith, William Friedkin, James Cameron, Woody Allen, Cecil B. DeMille, Alfred Hitchcock, Ron Howard, Raoul Peck, Paul Goldman, Clint Eastwood, Spike Jonze, Guy Ritchie, Andy and Larry Wachowski, Michael Moore, Peter Jackson, Paul Greengrass, Ridley Scott, Michael Winner, Richard Curtis, Luc Besson, Bryan Singer, Harold Ramis, Spike Lee, David Murramai, Ang Lee, Christopher Nolan, Ivan Reitman, John Landis, Chris Columbus, Alfonso Cuaron, Franco Zefferelli, Tim Burton, Kenneth Brannagh, Mark Joffe, Gore Verbinski.

HAMRED: You see my point?

JARED: I should have a couple of others. Oh! Sophia Coppola!

HAMRED: NOOOO! YOU HAVE DEFEATED ME! Although you only know her because she's the daughter of one of the dudes you just mentioned.

JARED: True.

HAMRED: And she stuck in your mind because she's hot.

JARED: Also fairly true.

HAMRED: I bet you can't name any films she's done.

JARED: I can too,

HAMRED: Oh, go on then! Give us a go if you think you're hard enough.

JARED: Marie Antoinette!

HAMRED: NOOOOOO! YOU HAVE DEFEATED ME ARGAHGHAGHGAHGAH... hang on, can you name any others at all?

JARED: .... maybe.

HAMRED: Go on.

JARED: ... Lick the Stars.

HAMRED: What the fuck is that?

JARED: It's... erm... a film about The Moon from The Mighty Boosh and his habit of.. licking stars on the back somehow without burning his tongue or being noticed by said stars.

HAMRED: .. that does not sound likely.

JARED: Yeah. But she did Lost in Translation as well.

HAMRED: Hang on, you're on her Wiki page, aren't you?

JARED: ...no?

HAMRED: Oh, I don't believe this. Look, her name's Sofia Coppola! AND she was an actress before becoming a director!

JARED: Yeah, well, I got Marie Antoinette off my own back. I did fairly well considering. Also, you're a real jerk.

HAMRED: Yeah, I know.

This blog post dedicated to the many female filmmakers I have never heard of before:

Alice Guy-Blaché
Lois Weber
Dorothy Arzner
Germaine Dulac
Maya Deren
Barbara Loden
Birgit Hein
Catherine Breillat
Barbara Hammer
Julie Dash
Tracey Edmonds
Dianne Houston
Nnegest Likké
Safi Faye

And others, of course.


Youth of Australia said...

You lead an interesting life.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I thought if anything this post revealed the exact opposite...

Youth of Australia said...

I never have that sophisticated a conversation with my inner muse.

請不要走 said...