If you found a perfect clone of Clinton Greyn... and you decided to ask him any question on your mind... and he knew every answer ... and so you went on to ask him questions you didn't know the answer to... and then you looked up his answers and they were all correct... and so you asked him the meaning of life... and he told you and suddenly everything in the world made sense... would you have found the Sont of All Wisdom?
No, I am already wearing my coat.
Yesterday.. I watched The Love Guru. To try and explain this I had actually ran out of things to watch. No new Stargate Universe, no new Office, no American Dad, Cleveland Show, Family Guy, no Doctor Who or Torchwood of course, not even a Fringe. There were 5 odd episodes of the new Dollhouse but FUCK THAT (they're in the mail, enjoy Ewen!) so I looked around at weird things my brother decided to give me that I never checked out.
I guess he decided to give TLG because I laughed at a lot of the jokes in Goldmember. I'm the only person I know who actually did this, due to the fact that I'm also the only person I know who didn't watch the first two movies and thus was actually seeing the jokes for the first time. This was fairly misjudged.
When you see it's article in Wikipedia is filed under the category "Films regarded the worst ever" be assured this is not without reason. Okay, it cannot seriously compete with Manos: The Hands of Fate or Cesar Romero's The Lost Continent or any other film featured on MST3K, but this film is very definitely BAD with capital everything. It can even be physically sickening, due to the horrendous physical ugliness of Mike Myer's character, and moments such as Ben Kingsley pissing into a bucket, Myer's manservant helping him floss his arse, endless jokes from Myers about incontinence, two elephants humping for vague reasons and Myers shoving his head up his own arse as part of his morning exercise regimen.
I can recommend the film as a masterclass in what not to do in a comedy, however. Clearly some of them are not as obvious as you would think - for example, casting a beautiful woman who cannot act in place of a comedienne as the female lead. Or, say, having the main character endlessly torment and beat the shit out of a midget character and expect audience support for no real reason. Or having the main character make cheesy, unfunny jokes endlessly - then compounding this by having him laugh hysterically at himself for 15 seconds while other characters look off-screen, as if pondering whether this is actually a take.
There are good points in the film - as mentioned Sir Ben Kingsley features (Christ knows why) and manages to make disgusting scenes amusing through sheer force of supernatural Hinduistic will. Stephen Colbert and John Oliver are also brilliant comedians, though can't quite manage the same feat - Colbert is the funniest character in the film, though amazingly at the same time the least subtle, as an insane hockey commentator with zero attention span and a drug habit he talks about a lot. The big problem with his scenes is that of everything else in the film - as soon as a halfway clever joke is made, this is then re-explained to the audience. Because of this 'outright contempt' method of storytelling the main plot takes around 20 minutes to be established.
The amazing thing is that people have complained about the Wayne's World reference in the film reminding them of much, much better work of Myers'. Considering that I consider WW to be the absolute worst comedy I have ever seen, and that then people who consider THAT some sort of twisted pinnacle are saying this film is shit.. is probably an indication of how bad it is. (Bear in mind, that if you remove every scene not featuring Mike Myers, this film is definitely worse - it's only tangential elements that lift it up)
Probably the saddest aspect is that Mike Myers spent five years forgoing work to try and 'perfect' the character of Guru Pitka. To know that you're seeing FIVE YEARS of somebody's life up on screen in this cinematical shit storm is absolutely tragic. You expect more than some lame Indian-English puns and a bucketload of cock and turd gags from, to put it again in perspective, 1, 826 DAYS of thought.
... yeah, I know, what have I done in that time...
The issue of videogames not having an R18+ rating in Australia has actually gotten big enough to be featured on ABC news. I am amazed, but when it became clear that current policy is blocking the latest Alien Versus Predator game, this makes sense. This country stands to lose a lot of money from this...
Most opposition comes from the South Australian attorney general.. who I think is Michael Atkinson but I can't remember. His arguments are fairly odd, generally of vague notions about protecting children. This is something I feel strongly about, because this is about choice. With the internet, all these choices are available. Yes, Postal 2 is banned in Australia. But I could easily download it, play it, and suck my trousers while laughing at the sight of P-man burning and pissing on terrorists on his way to buy some milk at the store. So can (and do) kids under 18.
I guess the issue is a lack of faith in videogame stores to make any effort to actually enforce the rating. They could possibly have a point, but I fail to see this as an insurmountable issue. It's a retail job, they get taught a new procedure and then they do it. It's not rocket surgery!
The story provoked an odd reaction from my dad, though, who scoffed at the 'fucking losers' who were gamers in their 30s. Showing a bit of a lack of sensitivity towards myself, I thought...
New Tales of Monkey Island is out I am so thrilled!!!!
On a podcast I just listened to a noted Canadian homosexual (he actually is homosexual, I'm not passive agressively gay-bashing for a change) called Malcolm Ingram was incredibly insistent that Kurt Russell is not a movie star because a film was never marketed off him specifically.
Man... what the fuck? Breakdown, Overboard, Big Trouble in Little China, Escape from New York... for a moment I was thinking maybe he was saying in the pantheon of Hollywood he wasn't a big enough star, then he compares him unfavourably to Val Kilmer.. Val Kilmer???
I talk a lot of movie talk and the name Val Kilmer has never, NEVER come up when I've talked actors to people. Off the top of my head I can't name a single film he was in, except I keep thinking he was one of the screen Batmans... (Actually... he may be the Tim Burton one.. no, wait, that was Michael Keaton! Should probably google this soon..)
But Kurt Russell? He may not be the bomb but he is definitely in the vicinity.
It made me curious, though - is that what makes a specific 'star', being a cog in the meaningless Hollywood money mill... or is it being an actor that people actually talk fondly about? By the latter standard Bruce Campbell and Adam West are probably bigger stars than Jessica Alba and Shia LeBioeuf (how the FUCK is that name spelt, really? I know that's wrong but that's all I know..) and in my books that's no bad thing..
A big surprise for me has been that the new series of Scrubs is, thus far, really good. Okay, there have only been two episodes but they've been good. The torch is being passed on to a new generation, and there's been enough wackiness to distract you from the odd premise (the hospital is now on a med-school campus! .. does it really work like that?) and the new cast of characters are promises, even if seemingly slightly vanilla compared to the old. That said, Turk and Cox are clearly there to stay, with the latter very much fulfilling the same much loved role of HATING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
Stargate Universe needs props. I've been surprised that I've actually enjoyed it more, not less, when I have re-watched it. I like every character. That probably isn't a big deal to most people, but I hate EVERYONE. I even hate you. (Not really. OR IS IT? I'm an enigma. Don't fuck with me) The writers kept a step ahead of me, by taking the two characters I took issue with and fixing them up - for the record, Scott and TJ. One was too perfect, the other a cardboard cutout. That has been dealt with neatly.
The show brings me some contact-angst though, in the love triangle. Eli Wallace, resident plump, though charismatic, geek clearly won't be able to get with the cute Chloe Armstrong, especially now she's banging Scott as though he somehow brough a year's supply of condoms through the Stargate, and I empathise with this so much due to my past as the fat guy of my high school. Borders on cynical on the part of the writers that...
Batman Forever, of course! I kept thinking that was the George Clooney one, but of course that was Batman and Robin - incidentally the most popular outing of the characters ever.