Friday, November 27, 2009

Rejected story from Series 5: Lords of the Bathroom

Also a rejected story from the latest thread of the Silent Sticky Yellow Fluid (if you know what I mean) - this is here purely for my warped sense of posterity and completionism, as I've posted all my other ill-advised Ben Chatham fics on this blog.

Now I think about it, I don't think that I've ever posted an explanation about who the hell Ben Chatham is. If anyone stumbles across this blog it would be a head scratcher...

.. Kaldor City sucks. Lawrence Miles Lawrence Miles and spambots are welcome in the comments section. There we go, that should fix the odds pretty sweet.

This is a story I put very little thought to, largely being 1/2 BPM off being clinically dead when I wrote it, a state I've been in for the past month or so. The onset of test cricket has not improved this. Who plays Steve Syme? ...I actually can't remember the names of any of Spara's favourite actors so I'll say that it's a star-spangled combo of body modelling by Ben Lee and vocals by Chip Jamison.

Also, as an odd side note the title comes from the Peter Molyneux videogame The Movies, which automatically generates titles for your cinematic masterpieces. This was certainly my favourite name to come up.

Lords of the Bathroom

In the season's Doctor-lite episode we follow Steve Symes, the only ex-boyfriend of Ben Chatham to have not been brutally disemboweled by this point. Steve dropped out of archaeology, but has found a career as a freelance journalist and is assigned by his cigar-chomping boss to run a story on a floppy-haired nutter called the Doctor, seen making moralising speeches at scenes of mass machine gun slaughter in London's CBD. On his way to the scene of the crime, Steve fights off the onset of sleep by dictating his private non-fiction manuscript "The working class and their destiny, Volume I" into a tape recorder.

By the team he arrives, all the bodies have dispersed into a strange green fluid, somewhat unusually, and a trollop-esque girl is collecting them into jars and offering him a taste of her fresh yams. He comes to the conclusion that this woman is Daisy, a companion of the Doctor who is truly an extraterrestrial alien being travelling through time albeit primarily contemporary rural England. Daisy compliments Steve on his lateral thinking and is so overcome with joy she strips off and green-sludge-wrestles a nearby policewoman.

Reflecting on the beauty of this moment Steve decides to kidnap a schoolgirl to bring such wondrous companionship into his life - this is perfectly understandable considering that he is lonely. In the course of his antics there is a misunderstanding and he is arrested!

The bint behind it all, PC Amy Pond, is very determined to place charges on Steve. He is distraught, and so prays to whatever godlike powers exist. Fortunately, who should hear him, but the Doctor, who dematerialises on his TARDIS. Bizarrely the Doctor delivers a four-minute monologue to the wall of Steve's cell about how we should judge others less harshly than we do, before drugging Amy, shredding the paperwork and setting Steve free. He explains that the dead bodies from earlier were accused slave traders but in reality were running an orphanage ferrying service and were killed by the Judoon in a horrible misunderstanding, and so the Doctor now wants to give a life back to the world!

Steve makes it back to his office just in time. His story so far is boring and doesn't make much sense, so his finished article claims the Doctor is a pedophile to grab reader interest. His boss is so impressed with the article he makes Steve partner and reveals that the tabloid rag they run is actually a half-arsed front for Indonesian gun-runners. They share a laugh at the irony of it all.

Be sure to note the way it makes no sense was very deliberate.

1 comment:

Youth of Australia said...

Ah, a brilliant and sublime evocation of the form. The social commentary, the gritty realism, the mudwrestling, the uncalled for violence against Karen Gillan, and the brilliant Notthe9OclockNews bit of the Doctor performing his monologues to the wall while the main characters turn out to be gun-running pedophiles and STILL better than the working class.

Ah, Mutie, your work on Earth is done...