Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Cash for Codpiece

There's never been a better time to turn the microscope on online news, seeing as Rupert "Senator Ovaltine" Murdoch has been laying down the law and saying that we need to be forced to pay money so that people who can't read read the works of rednecks who can't write published by a mummified codger from Christmas Past. Let's have a look at what NineMSN is offering me tonight!

Eva Mendes' sideboob-turned nipple-slip!

Ooh, we're off the marks with a winner. For me, at least. That said Eva probably doesn't count as A-list and gets them out with fairly little ceremony as is - we get to see a lot of her arse in The Spirit, for example, and God knows if there was a film worth a loss of dignity in making it wasn't that one. (Curiously Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson paid much higher prices whilst remaining fully-clothed throughout..)

..damn, photo just loaded on my crappy dialogue. I can see the faintest glimmer of aureola.

Hmm, let's see

Chris Brown wants Rihanna to shut her mouth

Rest of the world says feeling is mutual, especially when microphones in vicinity - this extends doubly to Brown.

Chris Brown has told MTV News that he wishes Rihanna had kept the gory details of his brutal assault on her private. We're speechless.

Well, in his half-hearted defense you have to admit if you look at it SOLELY from his pig-headed perspective, you can see why exactly he would wish that.

"While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us,"

Okay, CB, you're sounding like a guy from the 1950s with these attitudes, or at least a Western Sydney football player. Can you salvage this by turning this all around and sounding like an emo wanker with a bullshit introverted justification for this?

"I do appreciate her support and wish her the best. I am extremely sorry for what I did, and I accept accountability for my actions. At this point, I am taking the proper steps to learn about me and grow from my mistakes.

Yay! Nice to say thanks for her support, whilst offering none at all in return.

Good Charlotte rockers Joel and Benji Madden have stormed out of a Melbourne radio station after taking offence to an interview segment about Britney Spears.

That's understan- wait... an interview segment? About Britney? Hmm, specific...

The normally laid-back twins began the interview with Fox 101.9 breakfast show hosts Jo Stanley and Matt Tilley by warning the pair that they were "pretty wrecked" after a big night out.

Okay, they've been sharing crack, that will explain any bizarre outbursts..

After answering a few preliminary questions, the Madden brothers were asked to play a game to test if they could sense what the other was feeling.

The game soon turned pear-shaped when Benji was blindfolded and Joel was shown a well-known photograph of Spears getting out of a car without her underwear on.

Incidentally, I have never been able to find an uncensored version of this photo. I didn't go crazy looking, but I figured I'd be able to seeing as EVERYONE IN THE WORLD seems to have seen it if you go off the online buzz. I am similarly snatch-ignorant of Paris and Lindsay.

Benji promptly guessed that his brother was annoyed while Joel made no secret of his irritation.

"I think I'm pretty laid back dude, but you guys are getting on my nerves," he said.


"Don't get my brother horny. You wouldn't like him.. when he's horny!"

"Joel mad! JOEL SMASH!"

A spokeswoman for the radio show told ninemsn that producers were forced to use the "dump button" to prevent expletives from the musicians going to air.

Heh, it's as if it had been me.

Joel told producers off air he was offended about being shown the photo of Spears because he was a father.

That explains everything then.

.. wait, WHAT? What.. what the hell?

"I've been doomed to never see a vagina again. WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME WITH THIS???"

I really can't follow the logic. Couldn't he elaborate?

"I was really offended because I am a father. This means I am getting WHIPPED by my wife at home which has reinforced the sheer pansiness of my lily white arse and so I lash out at anybody irrationally whenever they make reference of anything sexual and pretend that I have a legitimate reason for this."

It isn't just me is it? Is seeing a photo in which a vagina is visible that bad in our society? I know I can be unusually tolerant at times...

"Just walked out of a FOXfm interview in Melbourne not in the mood to be a clown," he wrote in a post.

"Most of the time I can put up with idiot morning show hosts but not today. I guess I have finally found some Aussies I don't get on with."

Maybe he should pop over and say hello, make it a habit? My opening gambit is "Hello my name's - eh, who cares 'Little Things' is the worst fucking song I've ever heard and why the fuck would a dancefloor need an anthem you fools anthems don't work that way anyway I've got some hardcore German dungeon porn going and I'm running a special on 5 year old Thai slave boys - I call it the 'My Garage Needs a Hose Out' special."


So, is it worth paying for?

AHAHAHAHA! OF COURSE NOT! It's all crap! Okay, yes, I only looked at the 'goss' section but the 'news' is absolutely nothing but brutal murders and sexual assaults - and not the funny kind of sexual assaults. I need material to work with to make up for my atrocious lack of talent.
If I was to say something nice, it would be that I did not find any blatant errors, either in spelling or poor research. The fact that this is a step up does NOT say anything nice for the online journalism in this country.

I'd sooner pay for music!

What's that? ... really? But... you can get it for free. What? Stores? Serious? Hmm, okay I'll look into that..

Anyway NineMSN won't be getting my money soon, unless they forge an altered copy of my will and make it look like an accident.

1 comment:

Youth of Australia said...

After my terrible day, I needed this frippery. And the TV tropes thing, well, frankly it terrifies me how ignorant I am of the cliches I perpetuate.

Incidentally, I have never been able to find an uncensored version of this photo.
Nor I. And I hastily explain I was getting Britney images for the BC parodies. In fact, I got more wholesome images of her than Adam "I never realized you were Jewish" Rickitt or Alyson "There's a body double, you can tell if you're able to look at the face" Hannigan...

LOL. It recalls the wheelchair dude from Family Guy (can't remember his name for the life of me - Joel or something?) when they got a stripper to give him a lapdance.

But that was funny cause it made sense.

I dunno, maybe he thought Britney was underage when her little passport photo was taken, and assumed this was some kind of police trap: "He's looking at kiddie porn! BOOK HIM!!!"

'My Garage Needs a Hose Out'
Ridiculously amusing. I wish I knew why.