Friday, July 31, 2009

The Cricketer Twitterer War Begins!

Edgbaston is rained out so badly it turns out that the 3rd test of this Ashes series will actually be decided entirely by Twitter! Hughes opened the salvo before the match even begun, with what many critics have described as an improper act - pre-empting CA's announcement.

Fuck. Fuck! FUUUUUCK! YOU ALL SUCK! I am going to kill the following people:

Brad Haddin
Tim Nielsen
Mitchell Johnson
Al Jolson
Kevin Rudd
Barack Obama
Tim Nielsen
Idi Amin
David Loy
Tim Brooke-Taylor
The Duke of York
Tim Nielsen
Whoever's reading this right now
The last one's mum
Tim Nielsen
Your fucking dog
Kaston Iago
Tim Nielsen
Matthew Hayden
Tim Nielsen

Yeah, I mentioned Tim a few times. I know voodoo. I might even crank it up to sixteen times. Arsehole. - twitter/phillybillyhughman

Followed by another selection bombshell from Stuart Clark:

I told Nielsen if he didn't give me the new ball then I'd skull-fuck his wife. Now I'm carrying the drinks. Thank you, vodka. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk

A shocking eleventh-hour injury:

lol, yez i tak eall of yous gayboys on, f uking HADDIN EL MAZRI, destr0y3r of worlds an sht, lol, i keep like atig er float like ben lee so what if i- AAHF(y028!o2- fuc, me fin ger! alwayz new fucking shift but on had it ina fpr me!!11! Aaaw fukk don fink i can type nemore... - twitter/Hadz0r_the_max0r detrax0r

With Brad Haddin out of the match, a new figure stepped into the breach.

I don't use Twitter. This is stupid. But I would like that green hat thank you. - twitter/Man'ou_Action!

The crucial toss:

who gives a toss - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

i do wanna make somethin of it. we win this, bitch. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

lolz, nah mean who toss the coin 'n shit. I go heads by theway. - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

fuck off i go heads also it wasn't funny and i don't know. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

your name is siriously gay - twitter/swaneeee

i like gay fuck you - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

yeah don't you follow the trends? gay is well cool now. thinking of dropping lara n a ditch, n fact. - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke

i called heads first. - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

thats true theres a time on the post n everything - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke

I agree with that, it is indeed true. - twitter/phillybillyhughman

shut up your not on the team. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

we need to focus - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation


WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZUH!!! - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZUH! - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke

ffs - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation


that is so old and gay i chrissen it liberace. lol at my def sweet lines. - twitter/swanee

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZUH!! - twitter/siddle_in_themiddle


et tu fuckwit? - twitter/swanee

WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAzzzuhhhhh[[[[[ j aaaaargh fuk yeuz me finga reeel canezz! lol at ti hs.!11!1 - twitter/Hadz0r_the_max0r detrax0r

Eventually it was decided that England had won the toss, seeing as the coin always lands heads up as proven by Dr Karl and Einstein, and so England elected to field first, given that Australia had more batsmen with accounts.

Disaster struky early, with a wicket falling in the very first over!

Okay, I've held me tongue because I assumed this was a retarded idea of Clarkey's and nothing more. But it seems you actually do want to play a test match through Twitter. Fine. Great. Now I KNOW you're all brain-damaged and I don't have to keep wondering. If you'll excuse me I'm going to get drunk by myself and sing the team song until 2 in the morning. Try and interrupt and I will kill you. You know this is true. - twitter/S(k)yKatz!

Fortunately the Australians showed solidarity and the besieged captain stepped into the breach

fuck off we don't need you. Clarkey, put the team chihuaha onto his keyboard. twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

slnkklb elhiale9toe.e - twitter/S(k)yKatz!

...maybe the wicket hadn't fallen. The rules aren't cut and dry in this version.

Katich did not make a convincing start. He was tormented by the unreal bounce and swing that Anderson gleaned from a dead pitch.

Let's look at this one, over th wicket, it's a loose cutter isn't it Katich, you let it go and what happens? Hang on, it's a fucking pearler, it comes back in - TWO WHOLE METRES! JUST missing off-stump! - twitter/mistahANDERson

jkblfa90pe; - twitter/S(k)yKatz!

Listen to that exclamation of terror, the feer at facing tha GREATEST BOWLER IN THE WORLD! I own you, Kat, like Tony Grieg owned so many slaves before me. - twitter/mistahANDERson

dude.. not meant to talk about that - twitter/swanee

Hey, come on Gray it was an earlier time. People will understand now.. - twitter/mistahANDERson

But it was Swann who got the break through

Ooh, yeah, look at this one, Kitty, it's breaking leg, but two feet outside off, that would be good for a cover drive, wouldn't it? You going to drive? Type something incoheren if you're going to drive. - twitter/swanee

li99yup; - twitter/S(k)yKatz!

he said up! That makes sense! - twitter/watto1

No, he goes for it! But it's dead straight! Slap into the pads! HOWZAT?!?!? - twitter/swanee

That is so out I'm giving him a tin of wax and a penny to do my car. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk

WTF u doing, clarkey??!1/? - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

reading steve waugh's captain diaries and.. adjsuting my belt?/ - twitter/theotherwhiteclarke

no the other one!! - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

I'm umpiring the match, you pricks. And you're all out. One way or another. I'd evil laugh here if I knew how to type it. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk

this isnt over u prick - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

O RLY???? ... again, if I knew how to do attachments here there'd be a funny picture of an owl here. - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk

itghiqaoplk - twitter/S(k)yKatz!

Get off the fucking field - twitter/enigmaticbeanstalk

Watson made a strong stand, though, impressing everyone with his skill

WHHHHAPPPAYEOW! czech it, fuckers, that ball clipped a seraphim!1 -twitter/watto1

er... a what? - twitter/swanee

Seraphim. the highest chwoyer of angel in heaven. - twitter/watto1

Yeha? Maybe the.. highest choir of gayness. - twitter/swanee

No, that wuld totally be your patio - twitter/watto1

ha he totally got you therem graybags! that one counts as a six. - twitter/Pintofpointingpunterponting

a six? maybe a six out of six for... for.... gayness? - twitter/swanee

Not, that would be your own score. - twitter/watto1

damnit! Teh hits keep coming! I'm melting! MEEEEELTING! - twitter/swanee

wtf you still playing that? - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

..yeh, where you? - twitter/swanee

pub - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

pub? - twitter/swanee

pub - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

pub - twitter/mistahANDERson

pub! ... pubs are gay - twitter/swanee

fuck off you horse-toothed price im not followin u anywmore! - twitter/OsSTRAUSSisation

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! - twitter/swanee

Unfortunately, shortly after this point the rain stopped and so the world's first ever Test Twitter Match is in serious danger of being sunned out before a result can be decided. People all over England are praying for just a couple more days of rain...


Youth of Australia said...





This scares me. Indeed it is only the LOM pub lines that hint for a moment this isn't a genuine transcript.

As my mum and dog have popped out for a brief moment without explanation, I ask you not to kill them.

Or Tim Brooke-Tayler. Seriously, what did ol' Timbo do to you? Why not Ed Kavalee (may his shell be blighted)?

(I laughed ridiculously at "et tu, fuckwit" though. It's juxtaposition really is hilarious.)

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

As my mum and dog have popped out for a brief moment without explanation, I ask you not to kill them.

The idea was that it was Phil Hughes who wants to kill people..

It's just me trying to take the piss with an oddly sensationilised newstory where people were talking about his controversial Twitter post - all he actually said was 'Disappointed not to make the side, hope the lads do well'. Which I think we can all agree is not offensive. And by my standards you need to make a massive hitlist and swear your head off before you're being offensive.

Or Tim Brooke-Tayler. Seriously, what did ol' Timbo do to you?

Nothing, I love Timbo. Just thought the Duke of York was too tame and the ante needed some upping.

Why not Ed Kavalee (may his shell be blighted)?

Lol. Is TVBurp a crap show, then? (I've no commercial tv, remember)

I've no problem with Ed Kavalee, aside from the fact he's done so well in a short time with at least equal talent to myself a couple of dozen people I know..

Incidentally, the team's performance in the real cricket is so bloody awful it could be enough to put me off the game for life. Which would mean no more weird posts like this one. Yay!

(Or at least more weird ones on more relatable topics...)

Youth of Australia said...

TV Burp is... not very good.

Basically, Ed introduces a clip from that week's TV show which, heheheh, when taken COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT, hahah, kinda looks a bit STUPID!

This is not so much of a problem except

a) the clips aren't particularly funny (ie, we get a clip from All Saints where the nurse rings up "Alex" and Ed tells us all this refers to Dancing with the Stars for some reason)
b) Ed realizes he can't find any clips so he very, VERY crudely edits himself into the material, often gurning and looking incredibly unfunny and stupid (for example, his pick of the week was two schoolgirls snogging on Home and Away, so he edits himself in doing a sub-Quagmire impression standing in the background. Laugh? I nearly remember what that is!)

The best bit was the final scene of the episode where HE GOES AWAY and leaves someone else to do the comedy, in this case a physical trainer from a police-training show, dressed in riot gear singing "Rock Lobster". Well, he gets to sing the first line before Ed comes back and demands the show end.

The huge caption at the beginning and end explaining the entire format of the show is from two teenagers in Western Australia and Ed has nothing to do with it.

It is to Russell Brand's Ponderland what Kyle Sandilands is to the Chaser.

Anonymous said...

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