Friday, July 17, 2009

Ashes 2nd Test Prediction

Here purely so I have something to fall back on to say "ahahahaha I was RIGHT!" later on. Although you can use the dates to say you wrote stuff at any time on this website, so even then it's pointless. I just can't be arsed to join a forum where people care about this.

Anyway, the centrepiece of my view is the fact that Ricky Ponting is an ass who doesn't learn from the mistakes of the past, like Wile E. Coyote using bowlers instead of giant anvils. Firstly, he continues to use Mitchell Johnson to open the bowling, in spite of the fact that Johnson has NEVER looked dangerous in the opening overs in spite of his faint resemblance to Frankenstien's monster - his radar needs significantly more warm-up time than most players, leaving him bowling a lot of stupid deliveries that get punched away easily.

At Cardiff, Peter Siddle, the walking chunk of red-headed muscle with a chipmunk graveyard of teeth, should have opened the other end, bowling as he does balls that threaten to kill you. Now at Lords, the entire make-up of the team is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Well, actually that's me exaggerating - there's one player who shouldn't be there, and that's Nathan Hauritz, in spite of the fact that he was the hero of the last match. Ponting's problem is that he's both conservative and trying to forge his own team - his conservatism and love for his own players leads him to think that he can't go without fielding a specialist spinner, ignoring the fact that the pitch at Lords is a paceman's dream and that he actually has THREE spinners in the batting lineup anyway who have all taken test match wickets before.

As if god wanted to re-inforce this message yesterday, Hauritz dislocated a finger of a nasty catch attempt and Michael Clarke took the wicket of Paul Collingwood. Yes, GOD HATES YOU, Ponting!

The pitch needs to be seen as a factor in a game, especially when it's green and a crazy unique field like Lords' that none of your bowling attack have played on before. As noted several times by the commentators last night, Lords is quite bizarre in that it's actually been erected in a sloping paddock, with the obvious problem that one boundary is very easy to score off so any bowler needs to be careful with their line.

So, who's a bowler who's careful with their line and length? Who's played at Lords before? Who's averaged 17.03 against England? At 2.02 runs an over? And 23 wickets? And is currently employed handing out the drinks to the other players?

Stuart Rupert Clarke. Otherwise known as "King of English Nightmare Fuel Unleaded".

Damn it, man, look scarier!

Anyway, if that Psychotic coked-out killing machine opened the bowling with Hilfenhaus we'd all be having crumpets and tea in the bombed out remnants of London town right now. As it is, this damn war will stretch on till Christmas... (ie we're not going to win at Lords', I reckon - though I doubt the Poms will win either, because they suck)

Edit: I do hate to crow about things like this but COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO, motherfucker! Australia ended day two with barely over a hundred-and-fifty runs for eight wickets down, a collapse the like of which you'll barely ever see from Banglafuckingdesh, currently we're going to need to struggle to avoid the follow-on (eg, having a score so terrible that the opposition captain has the right to humiliate you further by sending you out again to bat until you get it RIGHT! like in the Goodies' bean ads)

At this point, a drawn match looks like the best-case scenario. All this translates to I Was Right, which is the important factor.

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