Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Kaston Iago is Cruel to Small Animals (Warning: Very Immature Update)

LANDERCHILD: Iago. I have you at last.

IAGO: Do you?

LANDERCHILD: Yes. You are locked in a room with no escape.

IAGO: How do you know that there is no escape? The lack of the knowledge of a path of escape will hinder yourself, but that does not mean that it is a universally shared delusion.

LANDERCHILD: ...no, but the fact is that you can't escape.

IAGO: Please, enter into the philosophical mood-

LANDERCHILD: No! Listen you depraved bastard, you killed my cat! My favourite cat, Professor Snuggleboffin Tarrant. Are you going to admit how you killed him?

IAGO: I am not admitting to killing anything, feline or otherwise. Likewise to any matters pertaining to violations of your wife.

LANDERCHILD: My wife is dead and buried in the family crypt outside.

IAGO: Noted.

LANDERCHILD: Anyway, you killed my cat by suffocating it with your testicles you sick bastard. This was captured on security cameras and, subsequently, has been uploaded to KillTube.

IAGO: Of course it has.

LANDERCHILD: Current rating two stars.

IAGO: Son of a bitch!

LANDERCHILD: The comments aren't good either. Carnell says he predicted this - your depraved impulses would malfuction and turn inwards resulting in an uncharacteristic eroticised act of random violence, but also says he thought nobody would notice. Uvanov left something that I can't quite read... erm... 'u haz failed me for the last time..Starscream? lol? wat a gay lozer?' Does that make any sense to you? Also, Blayes says 'Congratulations - there is only room for one sociopathic cat-fucker in Kaldor City and it looks like you have the job'. The rest of the page is taken up by what Cotton and Rull probably consider witty banter. An awful lot of it's just quoting that old sci-fi show I used to watch...

IAGO: Can the in-jokes, Landerchild. Who do you think's listening?

LANDERCHILD: The recorder for the interrogation room for a start.

IAGO: Ah. This is all going down on a record.

LANDERCHILD: Yes. That's why I have emphasised that you killed my cat through extreme testicular smotheration. While.. enjoying yourself.

IAGO: But did I?

LANDERCHILD: ... yes. Are you dense?

IAGO: All you have is security footage. It can be faked.

LANDERCHILD: Yeah, like I have 200 billion dollars to waste on that... no, wait, I do, as it happens..

IAGO: As good as claiming your own guilt.

LANDERCHILD: Aside from the fact that there were 150 eye witnesses.

IAGO: Who could have been bribed.

LANDERCHILD: Including myself.

IAGO: Who could be lying.

LANDERCHILD: And your mother.

IAGO: Who can just fuck off.

LANDERCHILD: Why did you invite her, anyway?

IAGO: Who says I did?

LANDERCHILD: She showed me the text message you sent.

IAGO: Who says I sent it?

LANDERCHILD: Me, obviously. But also the note she got directly before the message saying 'You are receiving a text message from Kaston Iago re: ball-fucking a cat'.

IAGO: You think there's just one Kaston Iago?

LANDERCHILD: Yes. There's only one on any registry. Plus it's a weird name.

IAGO: Maybe a second one got taken off them all.

LANDERCHILD: And sent your mother a text message?

IAGO: Who says she's my mother?

LANDERCHILD: I'd imagine everyone who knows either one of you.

IAGO: But where's the proof?

LANDERCHILD: ... dear god this is a running joke, isn't it?

IAGO: Aha! You can't answer.

LANDERCHILD: ARE YOU RETARDED OR WHAT? There's the DNA tests, the multiple testimonies from the rest of your family, accounts of your school life, her diaries, and the video of your own birth.

IAGO: We've established that videos can be faked.

LANDERCHILD: Yes, okay. I spend ANOTHER 200 billion dollars making a perfectly faked video of your birth 30 YEARS AGO, as part of the most elaborate frame-up ever.

IAGO: So you confess.

LANDERCHILD: Excuse me while I chew on my fist to vent my frustration. HGJHJSHHSKFJ!

IAGO: Taste good?

LANDERCHILD: Not too bad.

IAGO: But can you prove it?

LANDERCHILD: FUCK YOU! Anyway, you were there, you killed the cat, and you sent a text to your mother which had ANOTHER 100 eyewitnesses. These are all facts, and this is nothing but formality..

IAGO: I was there. And who am I?

LANDERCHILD: Kaston Fucking Iago.

IAGO: Not many people know that middle name...

LANDERCHILD: And I'm not many people.

IAGO: But how do you know that's me?


IAGO: Any identification I have may be forged. Any people who know me as such may be misled, mistaken, confused, even deceived.

LANDERCHILD: You have the fingerprints, retinal prints and exact vital statistics detailed in your file.

IAGO: Files can be manipulated. The only evidence you have is that the person calling himself Kaston Iago carries identification for Kaston Iago and matches records in a file that says Kaston Iago.

LANDERCHILD: And has a mother who calls him Kaston Iago.

IAGO: Yeah whatever. Anyway, that's your only evidence?

LANDERCHILD: You define 'only' as 'in possession of all possible evidence to ever have'? Plus you realise that there is actually no law against using another name, so this is all excruciatingly irrelevant.

IAGO: Do you-

LANDERCHILD: Unlike RAPING A CAT. That's what you're here for.

IAGO: Why I'm here? You don't-

LANDERCHILD: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you, anyway? You answer every question with a question. Big man. This is a game that 12 year olds play in fucking drama classes. Yet, not only do you think this is mature, you somehow think that this is maturer than mature, dark, edgy, fucking reality-bending philosophy. It's not! Anyone can do it! And yes, I have proof. You're listening to it.


LANDERCHILD: Hey, you know what I remembered? The fact that there's actually no fucking law at all on this planet and I can do what I want. Guess what I want?

IAGO: To truly understand the murky nature of reality?

LANDERCHILD: Nope. To experimentally sodomize you with this phonebook.

IAGO: How do you know the phonebook is real?

LANDERCHILD: I'm going to listen.

IAGO: An Unearthly Child/500,000 B.C!

LANDERCHILD: Return of the Trods!

Yeah, I know, it's a cheapshot. I just haven't had an update in ages and this all popped into my head..