Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ooh, unfinished BF parody stuff...

Anyone reading this who is not Mr Ewen Campion Clarke and is familiar with his BF spoof page... which, er, limits things a bit, ahem, but I'll soldier on for the sake of total clarity because I'm a tool in that regard... may wonder what exactly the writing relationship is between our collaborationary efforts on the sites. Do we meet regularly in coffee shops and spend hours discussing the best pieces of toilet humour to use in that particular story? Is there a highly professional roster like the one you'd find in the production office of a US sitcom that determines which stories I'm 'on' for? Do we lock ourselves in a hotel room with a laptop until the spoof is complete?

No, because we don't meet face-to-face. Ever. That would be weird. The Universe would implode if we were to do this. It all has to be co-ordinated through email. It works like this:

a) Ewen happens to tell me what he's working on, and particularly what he isn't looking forward to. I forget for a moment I have trouble getting stuff done and volunteer to write about three dozen stories.

b) Ewen knows I don't actually get things done, and goes ahead and writes most of them.

c) About three months later, I send him one in the email.

d) Ewen puts my name on it, even if he didn't actually use any of my jokes because he'd already written the bloody thing once he got my email. He's a sport.

Ocassionally, though, I do start writing them but just don't finish and before I know it the whole thing has been done.

Case in point, the rather baffling story Dead London, wherein just about the entire cast was played by Rupert Vandsitartt (sp??), which was a particularly odd choice. I thought about which guy could be a dozen times stranger a choice to take over a story, and I came to the conclusion that Peter Berner would be pretty fucking strange. I only got the cold open, though:

The Doctor wakes up suddenly, and is mortified to find himself on the tacky and obscure ABC Sunday afternoon comedy quiz show 'The Einstein Factor'. The bloke whose speciality is fungal strains likely to be found on McCheeseburgers has wrapped up and the Brain's Trust have been shocked into silence through the sheer horror of it all, so the host Peter Berner's attention turns towards the Doctor. While the Doctor is still formulating possible pan-Galactic pub-crawls that could have led him to this massively embarassing destination he is suddenly taken aback to hear Berner say that his special subject is apparently 'Reasons I'm about to kick your alien arse'

"Sorry is that reasons I'M about to kick YOUR arse or reasons YOU'RE going to kick MY arse?"

"Take a guess"


Question 1 is simple enough - "What is your name?". The Doctor thinks he has it nailed but suddenly finds himself on -100 points because according to Berner the answer was "Fuck you!" rather than the preposterous soubriquet he offered. The second question is 'What crime have you been charged with?' - the Doctor doesn't realise that this refers to one recent crime, however, and begins listing his 8, 001 public and civil misdeamonours in alphabetical order until Matt Parkinson hits him with a cattle prod. Berner says that the correct answer was "Parking a blue box on a double yellow line on Hoban viaduct", although he would have accepted "Being an unworthy bitch to yours truly, o benevolent ruler".

Abruptly Berner throws his cue cards to the wind, shouts that the time for questions is over and begins beating the Doctor with a handy phonebook, demanding to know what possible excuse he can offer. The Doctor responds that he has foolishly placed his face in a phonebooks flight path and apologises profusely - this is, sadly enough, sufficient to win the audience over. Berner declares that this round is over and the Doctor's score is -10 000 points making him, truly, dumber than Dools.

Things are thrown over to the Brain's Trust, who make some wan family-friendly jokes about the Doctor being the lowest piece of scum since Al Jolson. The Doctor tisks irritably over such revisionist PC-ness, which earns him another telephone book beating, punctuated with shouts of "YOU DO -NOT- INTERRUPT THE BRAIN'S TRUST!" and cries for stage-hands to bring on the electrodes.

The show moves on to the next contestant, Sergeant Bygum of Scotland Yard, whose special subject by odd coincidence is ALSO "Reasons why Peter Berner is about to kick the Doctor's alien arse". He blitzes through questions such as "What sort of box was it?", "Did you open the box?" and "Why the fuck not?!?". The Doctor protests as this quiz is quite clearly biased and possibly some sort of metaphor. Berner snaps that that's exactly the point!

Suddenly the Doctor finds himself in the Old Bailley, wherein Peter Berner sits in the robes of a Lord Chief Justice with some rather unconvincing 'old man' prosthetics and doing his best Colonel Bloodnok voice, proclaiming that the Doctor is to be damned well hung! And 'also executed, hur hur hur!'

The Doctor sighs and mumbles that it really looks like it's going to be one of those days..

Lots of baffling references there for you. The actual parody ended up using Bill Oddie, which I think is more sensible than the real version. The only other joke I wrote was one planned for the 'Dialogue Disasters' section:

Berner: "I now pronounce sentence. Ahem. 'Sen-tense'. AHAHAHAHAHA!"

IT'S MEANT TO BE CRAP, you Philistines!

MORE 'artwork'

Heeey, I finally got my drawing tablet working, after having it for two-three years without being able to get the bloody thing working beyond a brief window when it was functioning but I was taking my time getting used to it. So, yesterday, having found it, dusted it off, and spent hours upon hours hunting the net for really obscure drivers before finding the right ones and STILL having got no results, I put a fresh battery in that weird pen thing in the vain hope it might do something.


Then I did this:

Straight away. I'm quite happy with that, because it would have taken me quite a while in MSPaint just with the mouse. Alright, the hands look completely shithouse but I think it comes across quite well.

In order to pad this out blatantly, a picture I had nothing to do with making but is one of my favourite ever:

Sigh. This blog really has become LAVENDER! hasn't it? I'm this close to just posting YouTube links I've found funny...

COMING SOON: A REAL MAN'S update! ...hopefully.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Some 'Artwork'

I have been questioning a lot of stuff lately, such as why my wonderful hair seems to be vanishing into my scalp and also the point of blogging, given that it seems like 99% of blogs specialise in 100 word max posts that all link to YouTube. Mostly I think it's Depression #45688a, but from my experience I think it's on the ebb right now and I could be coming out of it. Maybe I'll even be able to finish what would amount to one page and fucking FINISH my script for Mycroft.

In the meantime, I found out incredibly how to work our weird-arse scanner and actually have some alleged artwork to show off. Inspired by Shadowrun, something I mentioned in an earlier post and can't even be arsed to find the link to, I drew this when given a blank piece of paper by mistake on my second day of TAFE this year. Why has it taken so long to post it? See above.

[********TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES************]

Oh, wait. Photobucket's refusing to let me upload it. Ah, well, there goes the ENTIRE FRIGGING POINT of this post. I guess I'll just have to post a gag picture I thought was under-appreciated at it's time.


After drawing this (the one that you can't see, not the Dick Assman thing..) I got thinking about how cool it would be to do a comic book. But... erm, nothing but a lot of ideas have come out of this. The idea probably most worth mentioning is one that came direct from Watchmen, a half tongue-in-cheek, half-serious AUSTRALIAN version of the story set in a cyberpunk version of the modern day called.... wait for it... Butchmen. Yeah I know.

Further retardation followed with creating counterparts to the Watchmen that were obvious parallels in terms of personality and behaviour AND ALSO based on notable Australians...

Rorschach / Mark Latham / 'Dead Head' (basically wearing the Reckless Kelly outfit)

Nite Owl / Michael Hussey / 'Mr Cricket' (Test uniform with traditional eye mask that hides nothing, coloured green. His power is... bashing dudes with a cricket bat..)

Silk Spectre / Julia Gillard / 'Little Red Riding Hood' (Yeah, and she fights with a hammer and a sickle. I AM ashamed, trust me..)

Ozymandias / Ian Thorpe / 'The Torpedo' (If you can imagine the bastard combination of Thorpie's swimwear and a black-coloured Ice Warrior outfit...)

Dr Manhattan / Mick Dobson / 'The Dreamer' (Actually nothing like Manhattan at all, just filling that character slot...)

Then because once I started thinking of goofy superheroes I really COULDN'T STOP I have more that make no sense, even to ME. Yes, why not Tony Martin in power armour in a Confederate uniform in a balaclava using SUPER SONIC weaponry and calling himself 'Rebel Yell'? Yes, why not make superhero versions of the entire Australian cricket team of the Ashes series in 2007, and then proceed to work out a complex backstory where cricket has been declared illegal by the state so the world of cricket and underground vigilantism is extensively linked? Yes, why not make Krystal Forscutt one of the cast, just because you think a brunette with big tits in an outfit made of crystal would look cool?

Down this road madness lies, I'm sure of it.

Anyway, here's something else I drew ages ago, in my bid to get good at drawing adventure game backgrounds. For my trouble some prick told me that it looked like it was drawn by 'shaky-handed grandfather' and that I was a moron for using so much white in the picture because it pulls focus. Actually, I think that may be part of the reason why I haven't posted much artwork anywhere.

This may be a double post, but I am actually quite proud of it. Because it was done entirely in MSPaint, which isn't really acknowledged as the most user-friendly graphics program around...

Anyway, getting those two pictures onto this blog, on dial-up has been exhausting and quit unrewarding.

Probably ANOTHER reason I don't post artwork...