Friday, January 30, 2009

Doctor Who and The Pointless Blogpost

It's come to my attention I've only posted twice this month. Damn.

Anyway, a list is always good for a filler. I've been irritated by the number of fans who insist that the correct title for the Pertwee story The Silurians is "Doctor Who and The Silurians". As an outlet for my incandescent rage I decided to imagine what the show would be like if all it's titles were so equally campy...

Doctor Who and his Magical Granddaughter
Doctor Who in an Exciting Adventure with the Mutants from the Dying Sun!
Doctor Who goes Apeshit Crazy
Doctor Who meets Marco Polo
Doctor Who and The Seven Keys of Domination
Doctor Who and The Blood Sacrifice
Doctor Who and the Attack of the Cabbagemen
Doctor Who and The Napoleon Master Plan

Doctor Who and the Planet of Apparently Larger People
Doctor Who and the Dalek Invasion
Doctor Who Rescues an Underage Damsel
Doctor Who and the Giant Pinball Ants
Doctor Who Gets Knighted
Doctor Who in a Museum!
The Chase for Doctor Who
Doctor Who and The Ultimate Foe

Doctor Who and The Women of Dubious Morality
Doctor Who is not in an Exiting Adventure with the Daleks!
Doctor Who and the Comedy Greeks
Doctor Who in a Lot of Exciting Adventures with the Daleks
Doctor Who and the Massacre of St Bartholomew's Eve
Doctor Who and the Cure for the Common Cold (GENOCIDE)
Doctor Who vs Albert Pennyworth
Doctor Who Slings Guns with the Best Of Them
Doctor Who and Vampires or Something..
Doctor Who is Required!

Doctor Who on a Pirate Ship!
Doctor Who Takes an Acid Trip

Doctor Who is So Over the Daleks
Doctor Who Meets the Scotsmen
Doctor Who and A Man Whom Nothing in the World Can Stop Now
Doctor Who to Ground Control
Doctor Who Has Had it With These Motherfucking Crabs
Doctor Who vs The Faceless Ones
Doctor Who and the Evil of those Daleks

Doctor Who and the Base Under Siege
Doctor Who and the Truly Abominable Snowmen
Doctor Who in a Siege in a Base
Doctor Who in an Exciting Adventure NOT in a Base Under Siege
Doctor Who is Under Siege
Doctor Who Comes Under Siege - This Time it's Personal!
Doctor Who is Getting Too Old for This Shit

Doctor Who and the Horrible Quarks!
Doctor Who and the Children's Author!
Doctor Who and the Avalanche of Padding!
Doctor Who and the Highly Memorable Krotons!
Doctor Who Controls The Weather!
Doctor Who Sees Some Space Pirates (..Briefly) ..!
Doctor Who and The Time Lords!

Doctor Who and the Plastic People
The Silurians Meet Doctor Who
Doctor Who and the Ambassadors from Space of Death
Doctor Who Slips Sideways in Time!

Doctor Who and The Old Jackaknapes
Doctor Who and The Keller Machine!
Doctor Who vs The Claws of Axos
Doctor Who and The Doomsday Machine
Doctor Who and the Daemons

Doctor Who and the Return of the Daleks
The Son of Doctor Who.. is an actor in this story
Doctor Who and The Eocenes of Siluria
Doctor Who and The Curse of Sondergard
Doctor Who meets TOMTIT!

Doctor Who and Doctor Who and Doctor Who
Honey, I've Shrunk Doctor Who!
Doctor Who and The Thing and The Thing and The Thingcleaner*
Doctor Who and The Daleks You Can't See Can Hurt You
Doctor Who and The One With the Singing Computer

Doctor Who and The Mighty Warlord Irongron
Doctor Who and The Invasion of Something Fucking Amazing, You'll See..
Doctor Who Kills Some Daleks Already
Doctor Who and The Miner's Strike
Doctor Who is Slain by his Own Pigheaded Hubris

Doctor Who and Vomit-inducing Military Incompetence
Doctor Who and The Ark in Space
Doctor Who and Sanctioned Torture
Doctor Who and The Genesis of the Daleks
Doctor Who and The Incurable Space Plague!

Doctor Who Meets the Loch Ness Monster!
Doctor Who and The Bandaged Robots
Doctor Who Pretends to be Steed from The Avengers
Doctor Who and Yet Another Planet of Evil
Doctor Who and The Robots of Questionable Motive and Morality

Doctor Who in Mandragora Madness!
Doctor Who and A Jolly Fairwell
Doctor Who and The Assassin Who Kills People
Doctor Who and The Day God Went Mad
Doctor Who and The Robots of Taren-Capel
Doctor Who and The Chinamen of Death

Doctor Who and Lighthouse Fever
Doctor Who Meets King Prawn!
Doctor Who and A Work of Uncontestable Genius (Well, that was Alan Steven's suggestion...)
Doctor Who Vs Grey Corridor Inc.
Doctor Who and The Blue Halo
Doctor Who and The Sontaran Invasion

Doctor Who and The Planet of the Cossacks
Doctor Who and The Planet of the Pirates
Doctor Who and The Planet of Rural England
Doctor Who and The Planet of Medieval England
Doctor Who and The Planet of Swamp
Doctor Who and The Planet of Shadows

Doctor Who and The Robots Who Killed the Daleks!
Doctor Who and A Stitch in Time!
Doctor Who and The Creature in the Pit!
Doctor Who and The Road Rage in Space
Doctor Who and Day of the Bull
Doctor Who and The Professor of Time

Doctor Who On Holiday
Doctor Who Turns Evil!
Doctor Who Goes to E-Space
Doctor Who, The Vampire Slayer
Doctor Who Says 'WTF, mate?'
Doctor Who and The Magic Chair
The Death of Doctor Who

Doctor Who and The City of Escher
Doctor Who and The Doomsday Quartet
Doctor Who in An Exciting Adventure With Nerys Hughes and a Big Snake!
Doctor Who Meets Some Aliens Invading Earth! (Ooh, how novel!)
Doctor Who Dreams of Steam Trains
Doctor Who Shocks The Earth
Doctor Who Steals a Concorde

Doctor Who Does Holland!
Doctor Who Dances With Snakes
Doctor Who Meets His Match
Doctor Who on The Plague Ship
Doctor Who's Wacky Race
Doctor Who and The Heretic King
Doctor Who and Doctor Who and So Ad Infinatum

Doctor Who and The Silurians and the Silurian Eocenes
Doctor Who and The Face of Madness
Doctor Who in Forbidden Territory
Doctor Who and The Return... of the Daleks
Doctor Who and The Planet of Fire
Doctor Who and The Caves of Bowie
Doctor Who and The Ugly Doctor

Doctor Who and The Comet of Halley
Doctor Who Under The Will of the Slug Man
Doctor Who Enters the Rani
Doctor Who and Doctor Who and The Scotsman
Doctor Who Follows His Footsteps
Doctor Who and The DJ of the Damned

Doctor Who Is Under Trial
Doctor Who Goes Bananas!
Doctor Who and The Nuremburg Defense
Doctor Who vs Doctor Who

Doctor Who and The Fatal Exercise
Doctor Who is Ice Hot
Doctor Who and Delta and the Bannermen
Doctor Who vs The Iceblock Man

Doctor Who Becomes Destroyer of Worlds
Doctor Who and The Kandyman Can
Doctor Who and The Time Travelling Lunatic
Doctor Who in a Circus Act

Doctor Who Strides on The Battlefield
Doctor Who Does... Something
Doctot Who in an Exciting Chess Game with Unspeakable Evil
Doctor Who and The Motorbikes of Doom

Doctor Who in an Exciting Lady Named Grace

Doctor Who and the Blonde Shop Assisstant
Doctor Who Visits The End of the World
Doctor Who in an Upbeat Escapade With Charles Dickens
Doctor Who and The Clam-Bake Mystery!
Doctor Who Makes a Pre-emptive Strike
Doctor Who and the Nice Little Dalek Who Could [or Doctor Who Packs Heat]
Doctor Who On The Pull
Doctor Who in an Exciting Adventure with Air Conditioning
Doctor Who and The Boy With No Soul
Doctor Who and The Sexual Metaphor
Doctor Who in an Arse-numbing Meal with Margaret Blaine
Doctor Who on Channel 4
Doctor Who Ex Machina

Doctor Who and The Pudsey of Doom
It's Christmas Time for Doctor Who!
Doctor Who and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
Doctor Who Swaps Bodies With a Whore!
Doctor Who in a Childish Adventure with Queen Victoria
Doctor Who and The Return of K9!
Doctor Who and The Sexual Metaphor II: This Time, It's Heterosexual
Doctor Who and The Wrath of Graeme Harper
Doctor Who Blows up Some Alleged Cybermen
Doctor Who on Television [working title 'Doctor Who Commits Underage Assault' ]
Doctor Who on an Impossible Planet
Doctor Who Meets Scratchman!
Where's Doctor Who?
Doctor Who in a Fantastical Adventure with a Little Girl!
Doctor Who on Ghostwatch
The Death of the Companion of Doctor Who

Doctor Who Destroys Londontown
Doctor Who on The Bloody Moon!
Doctor Who and The Brainwashed Bard
Doctor Who and The Bowel-Shattering Secret
Doctor Who Bumps into Some Daleks
Doctor Who and The Dawn of the Pig Man
Doctor Who and The Dawn of the Scorpion Man
Doctor Who and The Dawn of the Sun Man
Doctor Who Fights Pirates
Doctor Who Goes to University!
Doctor Who Fights Scarecrows!
Doctor Who Does Not Blink
Doctor Who and The Mysterious Fobwatch
Doctor Who vs The Saxon Party
Doctor Who Is Over the Hill

Doctor Who in "You Cruise, You Lose!"
Doctor Who and The Return of The Tait
Doctor Who Carries On Up Pompeii
Doctor Who and The Cousins of the Sensorites
Doctor Who and Deadliest Weapon (Cars)
Doctor Who and The Insanity of Sontar
Doctor Who and The Daughter of Doctor Who
Doctor Who Spends a Mysterious Night with Agatha Christie
Doctor Who in a Confusing Adventure with a Saarth-Effriken Bint
Doctor Who Keeps Getting `Shipped!
Doctor Who is Tourist Trapped!
Doctor Who and The Back-Eating Beetle
Doctor Who and The Event Bigness
Doctor Who is Hard to Kill

Doctor Who and Not-Doctor Who

Man.. that's draining..

Friday, January 16, 2009

WHAT Christmas Special?

Now that the U.N. have confirmed that absolutely everyone in the world, down to every guy with no eyes chained to a cellar wall in Gaza, has seen and reviewed The Next Doctor it's safe for me to actually post something about it. In all seriousness, I did try one of my old half-arsed write-comments-as-I-watch reviews, included below, but this was heavily sabotaged by the sheer mediocrity of the special. After fifteen minutes or so I got bored and stopped. I came back, watched to the half-hour mark or so, got bored and stopped. This is, of course, the advantage of watching stuff on computer and probably sums up quite nicely the reason why this concept terrifies people who work in television like nothing else.

Put bluntly, the problem with The Next Doctor is that it just isn't enough. If this had been the Christmas special for the year before last I probably would give it a decent rating, but context is a lot.

In another way, cynicism could be said to be the problem, as this story reeks of it. The Cybermen return, but used in the sort of abritrary dismissive way that Eric Saward could never get away with. Why bring back the Cybermen? Because it's a good way to get self-propagating publicity all over the web. There is possibly another ulterior motive, seen by my paranoid Cyb-loving mind only, but it does seem that the main purpose of their appearance was to get smacked down yet again by another unimpressive and camp villainess and thus ensuring the Cybermen are always seen as inferior to... well, everything, really.

The main issue of cynicism of course is the story's title, made to be as rude in it's blatant ratings grabbing-dom as is humanly possible and, charmingly, utterly irrelevant to the story in every possible way. Apart from that the story works with panto-villainy (Cybermen kidnapping orphans and forcing them to work reeeally hard!), very transparent emotional manipulation (Jackson Lake's kid is not only cute, it's like they've looked for the cutest kid in the world, but instead found one who has cute features to the point of looking like there's something seriously wrong with him) and what Channel Ten wonderfully coined 'event bigness' (Cyber-King. Come on.)

The script is complete and utter Russell T. Davies by numbers. That's to say a solid, entertaining script that is good enough for you to say it is good but not actually good enough to make you squee. As we all know RTD is an exceptionally gifted writer, but his talents are in no real terms used here. Comparing it to The Christmas Invasion can't end well, as by now it has set in that these things are going to be watched. Every tweener is going to fucking LOVE it and log on SOMEWHERE to tell us all about it before learning how to spell. He is also tremendously busy, so it's fair enough, this isn't entirely a malaise tuned into hatred against us for levelling so much unfair and under-vocalised criticism over the years.

But it's hard to escape the feeling that the show is lacking courage. The Cyber King is quite amazingly retarded in a variety of ways. It requires a ludicrous amount of power, it is essentially impossible to obscure from an enemy aside from if you build it from scratch under a river, and in terms of practical application in a military scenario, it amounts to a large artillery piece. It hasn't been designed by a race of creatures who work purely on the concept of logic and want to trick inferior races through subterfuge into joining their ranks. It has been designed by a frustrated script writer looking for the next big special effect to put at the end of the story. The transparency, that THIS is the meteor storm, the giant spider, the floating-island spaceship scene for this year, is quite painful.

Matron Mercy Watts-Herface is another symptom of this, with "overly smug and camp woman" being the new go-to villain for RTD to use when he can't be arsed to think of anything interesting, but would like something uncommon enough in the severely limited-imagination world of television to impress gimmick-obsessed twats with no long-term memory. By the way, viewer, that is how they define YOU and all the other 10 million people who regularly tune in.

Another sign of the lack of imagination? Breaking open tubes filled with data is the new way of killing the Cybermen for the episode. Good thing they leave endless data tubes everywhere they go, isn't it? And that breaking them is so easy to do that a Victorian schoolteacher can work it out with bugger all effort. Of course, the Cybermen have had a strange knack for picking up Achilles-heels-of-the-week and leaving stuff around that could wipe them out easily, but it's always been acknowledged by fans as bad writing and this should be no different.

Not only that, of course, but, after breaking open data tubes to kill Cybermen for the whole story, HOW can the Doctor defeat the invincible Cyber King? By.... breaking open tubes of data. I can't help but read a duologue between RTD's conscience as a storyteller and his sheer frustration in the exchange between this week's Queen Bitch and the Doctor, that effectively goes like this:

THE DOCTOR: Haha, you are dead!
QUEEN BITCH: No, I am stronger than ever!
QUEEN BITCH: What are you talking-
(Queen Bitch explodes suddenly)

At once the most admirable and most telling moment of the episode is when Jackson Lake comments that the destriction wreaked on London will be spoken of for many years to come, and the Doctor replies "Yeah, funny that". I like the fact that the sheer ridiculousness is being acknowledged, but at the same time it really does say something when RTD himself has given up trying to make sense of his newly-created continuity.

The thing that may amaze you after reading this review, is that I didn't mind The Next Doctor (What a fucking stupid title! It feels wrong EVERY time I write it!)
All that I have outlined here is a complete and utter lack of anything particularly outstanding, memorable or challenging. As with nearly all of RTD's scripts not written as last minute replacements for something presumably much better by Paul Abbott, this is, again, solid. There aren't any really godawful moments, nothing wrong with it that isn't uniform across the dross that infests television globally, and the stuff about Jackson thinking he's the Doctor (Ooh, first time it's been mentioned!) is done with a lot of charm and nicely clanger-devoid humour. That's why it gets 5/10.

But I'm a right bastard so MAKE ME SOMETHING BETTER!!!

Anyway, this is what I wrote for the original review. I can't be arsed to check it all through so this could be entirely comments about what to shag Rosita for all I know:

I've been quite sceptical about the new Christmas Special for a while now, partially from hearing that it was going to be a re-write of The One Doctor, and then from seeing the first two minutes, and seeing that, oh fuck, it really is a re-write of The One Doctor. Bear in mind, I've never actually heard TOD, so it isn't any hatred of that audio gearing me (Unlike, say, if it had been announced that the special would be a re-write of Hidden Persuaders) but the fact that this is meant to be a fucking CYBERMAN story. Remember those guys? The second-biggest bad arses in DW history? The guys that rock? The guys that have a more interesting backstory than a Dalek and body horror ingrained into their very being? The guys who've only really had one TV story where they've been allowed to kick major arse but it had a budget of about three pounds fifty and gets overshadowed by twats celebrating a certain characters death and a shithouse piece of claymation?

I love the Cybermen, but frankly it sometimes seems like nobody else does, least of all RTD. They need their own story to re-establish them as a serious enemy of the Doctor, but in all their new series appearances there has been a crutch - Rise of the Cybermen had a clear Davros knockoff and was a parallel world story (a shithouse one, too - why tarnish the idea when we've had Inferno?) and Doomsday... well the first half was all about Torchwood, the second part was all about Daleks. That was also shithouse. And now... erm, what's the story called?


Hang on a sec, I'm just putting it in the DVD drive...


Come on! I've been watching episodes of Ashes to Ashes that have got going quicker than this!

Hmm, why do they both say 'Allonze'? Is it meant as a challenge in that context?

Ah, so it is The Next Doctor. How wonderfully misleading. Or is it? I'm, as usual, spoiler-free. Almost.

So anyway The Next Doctor has a bogus Doctor, a pastiche-y Victorian setting AND is meant to finally do justice to the Cybermen? I doubt it. I really do. And I know Ewen will write up one of his BF guides about it and mock the Cybermen for not being worth a story on their own and being too pissweak next to the Daleks and in some ways he has a point but it almost depresses me for seeming to be so near the mark to fandom's attitude towards the Doctor's silver nemesis.

2:47 - You'd have to be pretty gullible to believe that this guy actually was the 11th Doctor, though, wouldn't you? A Victorian pastich-oid version of the 10th Doctor without the cool hair? Plus we've already had a black chick, thank you very much.

2:53 - RTD has updated the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Macra, Davros, the Master.... somehow I didn't think he'd get to the Taran Woodbeast so soon...

4:03 - So it is a comedy episode then. Hmm, I'm feeling strangely dead inside at the prospect. And I'm thinking that this is the sort of episode that really could benefit from a viewing at the Drummoyne RSL where the worst of gags are met with raucous laughter. Kind of like the sci-fi version of a Jimeoin gig.

5:10 - Yes! A black cockney version of Tegan! Just what I've always wanted for Christmas!

6:28 - Whooo! Cybermen actually getting talked up!

7:24 - I think further evidence that David Morrissey isn't the next Doctor is the fact that Doctors really shouldn't be this slow on the uptake, even when played by Nick Briggs in the 80s. I mean, come on, how obvious has David Tennant made it? Also, the performance is far too heightened for me to take it seriously. The Victoriana, the Shakespearean delivery - the bloke is a bit of a model based on the Doctors we all expected to see in years gone by, the type of classic series fare that we were weaned on, distilled into a concentrated mass of accumulate cliches and mannerisms. He is... like Paul McGann. But without the same quality of performance.

8:47 - New character I hope will die, Miranda Richardson look-alike. When I say that I think there's a real possibility that it is her. Phallic jokes to the CYbermen? Who are you trying to impress?

9:21 - Okay, I get the fact that RTD is making this a bit of a classic series tribute but, wow, didn't expect for him to go for the most blatant double entendre ever to help it along. "I shall affect an entrance through the rear. Go back to the TARDIS, this is hardly work for a woman!"

10:07 - Ah and there we go! He isn't the Doctor, he's just mentally retarded. All cleared up. Might as well stop watching this now.

11:20 - "I seem to be telling you everything... as if you have engendered.. some sort of... trust. Is this... what you humans call... 'love' ?"

11:55 - Of COURSE there was nothing in the fobwatch! Anyone suckered by that? Anyone? You're only making things worse for yourself by denying it...

12:32 - ... infostamps?

14:24 - I assumed for a moment that that had to be an empty Cyberman suit. But no, he just has impeccable comic timing. Yet another aspect to the Cyber-perfection!

14:26 - FUCK! They still say delete. Fuck it, worst episode ever. I hate everything. Especially those of you reading this right now.

17:15 - I do believe that in real Victorian times the penalty for showing up at a funeral like that was gang-rape. And twenty four hours of self-flagellation before the gouging out of ones own eyes.

They were an interesting people.

17:19 - "Dressed like a harlot!" "Oh, and you should now, Mr Coe!"

ZING! Man, the old priest hasn't been soliciting prostitutes! Now he's lost all cred in front of his posse!

17:56 - Yeah, kudos to the latest campy OTT bitch for picking the single most pissweak funeral congregation to gatecrash and announce that she murdered the deceased. It's a tricky move to pull off, but when you have a group of old men who are only willing to shuffle their feet awkwardly and stare it becomes quite easy.

18:22 - Kill her, my Cyber-homies. Kill her!

18:57 - "Okay, who were the four speaking parts? Ah, yes, stick around we've more work for you. As for everybody else, you've been terribly wooden and your facial hair is appalling. Time to die!"

19:29 - I get the feeling that this plan wasn't terribly well thought-out, somehow. "Okay, the people I've named just stand still... wait, why are you running? THAT isn't the idea at all!"

19:47 - No! Spare the Dudley Moore look-a-like! SPARE HIM!

20:12 - "It's funny, now I think of it, but in all these years not one of you has asked my first name. It's MERCY!"

"Ah, good to know. Fuck you, Mercy"

I think she's in danger of underplaying the part to its grave..

23:09 - Allow me to lol at the Tethered Aerial Release Developed In Style.


24:44 - Yeah, those blue-tooth ear-pieces shall arouse the suspicion of nobody.

25:21 - Oh, I like the Cyber-taran coach driver! I honestly do and would like to buy one to add to my slave collection. But, also, not particularly inconspicuous in Victorian London, surely?

26:03 - Fallen through time! It's come back! God bless that buzz-phrase!

"Weren't you burnt to a crisp the last time I saw you?"
"Nah. Just fell through time."

26:55 - AGAIN with the fobwatch? Or is it just the fact that the fobwatch has 'JL' on it or something?

27:02 - ZOMG!

27:07 - "The watch is Jackson Lake's. You have the watch. You own the watch that belongs to Jackson Lake. You, being in ownership of said watch, in all probability, would have some form of connection to Jackson Lake. If I had to make supposition, I would suggest the possibility that you, yourself, in your current state of being, are actually Jackson Lake himself."

27:41 - Oh my god... ECCLESTON IS CANON! You maniacs!

Seriously, that's quite nice I think from the new series. It's been keen to acknowledge the past monsters and some events, but considerably more reluctant when it comes to other Doctors. Great to see all ten in a row like that. Yes, there's better on YouTube but THIS IN THE ACTUAL SHOW! In the Christmas Special! Ooh, I think I'll go back and watch it again..

27:44 - Oh, was about to say interesting that Tennant wasn't there but there I go again, jumping the gun like a twat. Russell Tovey, Harry Lloyd and Adrian Lester disappointingly absent, though...

29:31 - Nice twist! So David Morrissey is the Doctor in his mind, but a Doctor subconsciously playing the part of Charles Bronson in Deathwish VI: Cybermanslaughter! Go get them, mate! Rip them a new one! Let's have a three minute massacre scene set to Rage Against the Machine's Bulls on Parade!

30:49 - The Cybermen transmit a signal saying that they're on the move through their easily lost and found info-stamps? ...just to make it even HARDER to make a surprise attack, I guess..

31:17 - Hang about... shouldn't this story be called "The New Doctor"? Because by no definition imaginable is Jackson Lake the next Doctor. Tennant hasn't died and obviously by the end of the story he will not have died. Unless they mean he's, like, next in line for the position if the Doctor gets shot in the head repeatedly like David Collings at the end of this, but that's an incredibly broad definition. Whereas "The New Doctor" is in a minor way at least literally true, given the fact that Jackson Lake has only recently declared himself the Doctor and is much younger than Tennant in that regard. Even the "The Last Doctor" would have made more sense given it'd at least be a homage to "The Last Action Hero", "The Last Detective" and be a play on the desperate nature of Lake's existence.

And in the future, looking back, "The Next Doctor"'s going to be a fairly embarassing title to bring up, won't it? It's quite silly, really. It's a bit like calling Androzani "He dies at the end!" Well, actually I guess more like calling Planet of Fire "He REALLY DOES die at the end of this one!" Or calling Twin Dilemma "The best fucking story you'll ever see".

31:24 - "What is it? What's happening?"

"Oliver Twist auditions are over. As you can see, they've been as ruthless as ever!"

Considering the general cruelty of Victorians to young people, poor people and especially poor young people; the borderline slave trade of young servants; the many working houses of around, I'm not sure that a mass of flea-bitten young paupers looking miserable being marched through the streets would really be that odd a sight...

31:40 - Had to watch that three times.

"Maybe he's taking them to prayers"

"No. Nothing holy as that"

David Tennant's delivery sounds far more like "Nah, namana woonhat dat!" to me. For a moment I thought he said "Nothing as harrowing as that" but that's just the kind of line I wish the Doctor would get to say.

32:29 - I'm not sure if I'm too impressed thus far with the Cybermen's plans to destroy Christmas for all of the cutest orphans in old London Town. Bit of a step-down from global domination, perhaps?

33:02 - Okay... now they're just scaring the children for seemingly nothing but the pure 'lulz' of it. For Christ's sake Victorian kiddies just did what they are told because otherwise they got six types of shit beaten out of them daily.

A policy of openness...

Knowing the skill of Ewen Campion-Clarke of following me across the internet, I might as well announce right now that I'm now in a second clip on YouTube, once again not uploaded by myself.

A couple of notes - before I ... er, performed in this I was under the impression that there would be a script. That it would be edited into a narrative. And that, given it was entitled 'hunting for boxes' when discussed, it would actually include some shooting of cardboard boxes. Also this is part of a 45-minute (yes, you read that right) video my friend made for his girlfriend's birthday, and I imagine would make less sense in context. Furthermore, I would recommend not actually watching this.


Because I am unable to withstand the guilt of posting beneath a certain arbitrary length, especially after so long a period of silence, here is something I've also posted on OG, my latest in a series of utterly confusing stories channeling the brain warping I endure from reading one Mark Goacher of Colchester's fanfic.

Doctor Who and the Ttos-Pyle of Lugumbooo

"So, anyway I's all like, like, where you wanna go, you know, like, right now, to you and stuff" said the Doctor to his new companion. Such was the authority in his voice that Timmy Westwood was lost for words for nearly a second.

"We need some 'eat, something hoff tha meter! Check it out, Venus in ha Brazilian style, realise!" responded the Archbishop's son whilst pulling all his clothes off and producing baby oil seemingly from mid-air.






"Yeah whatever"


The two young-spirited adoni slept, themselves naked in the full light of the twin naked sun, bellies simmering lightly under the smooothe oil of Gardilian faffer monkeys replenishing themselves with the bounties of the Gods - solar power and all-male nudity.

"Does this look like a bit gay and stuff?" asked the Doctor whilst texting friends with two mobiles and uploading on to phototube with his left foot.

"Mate, if we was blazin' hany straighter we would be tha road from Piccadilly to the public toilets in Broadwick at 1 in tha morning!" said Westwood in response, as he did so gesticulating in such generous measure the air movement would have directly caused an avalanche in most places on Earth.

The Doctor nodded, to cover up the fact he hadn't bothered listening to a word the DJ had said, and let his mind wander to the contemplate the wonders of the Universe - whaletails, canabis, teabagging, various forms of underwear not yet invented in this time zone, Heat Magazine, Grey's Anatomy, that bird from the telly, upskirting, Harry Potter and his testicles. Sighing in introverted wonderment, he could not deny that truly reality was well good, when he was asked on Skype-Talk.

Seconds later, he found out that the "lady with a jenarous bossom" he had been chatting to was actually his mate, Tha Masta, playing a cruel trick on him and was left with no choice but to shut down his mini communications network and cry weakly on to his chest. Westwood watched on, perturbed yet naked as a new born lamb that is well-equipped if you know what I mean, dear reader. He felt the need to empty his soul at the moment, so did so directly into the nearest bucket. And then said:

"UK understand whats about to go down, Westwood the Album. And we're goin to bang in your face with the hottest joints around, real hip hop, nothing but big things. Now drop the bomb! BOOOOOOOM!"

The Doctor nodded sagely. Or at least like a sage that had undergone severe head trauma yet still felt obliged to play the part. He understood the wise words of his companion, and it was time to return to the TARDIS.

"Gadzooks, like!" he cried in horror "The door to the, y'know, like, TARDIS and stuff, an' that, is all, like, locked, 'n spaz"

"Ho no!" shrieked Westwood, as if he were a Polish banshee trying to do the voice of a Jamaican banshee and frankly embarassing himself "You gone flipped tha script - the joint straight bent flopsy, man, it's hoff tha meter!"

"Isn't off the meter good?"

"Generally, yes, but in this case it is failing to register on the meter."

"Ah, right, I'll bear that in mind, like"





"For real?"

"For real"

"For really real?"

"Yeah, whatever"


Matt Smith, erm.. I mean, the Doctor looks the TARDIS with the look of impotence that you have to imagine your father regularly gives to your mother. "How can I open the door, Tim? I left the key in my pocket, like, and my pocket's with my suit, right, and my suits on the hatstand, right? And my hatstands by the door! And that's, like, in their, innit and whatnot? Insert token term off MySpace here."

"This be well mad difficult! Hold up, check it, his tha hatstand on THIS side of the door?"

It was not.

"Bollocks," spaketh the Doctor with so much dignity that were it to be distilled into liquid form and injected directly into the heart of Johnny Vegas during the making of Sex Lives of the Potato Men he would O.D from sheer class. "I'm, like, all trying to remember whether the threshold for hominid flesh on Venus in full sunlight is, like, 50 minutes or-"


It was fifty minutes.

And everyone important lived happily ever after.

The end

Sunday, January 4, 2009

My campaign for the Twelfth Doctor spot begins here!

Well, although I've entertained the fantasy of being a Doctor before, now I know it's actually possible, with the casting of ANOTHER complete unknown in the part. Well, not complete unknown over in the land of Britain where they assume that the rest of the world watch exactly the same telly as them and are hence shocked to the core when we aren't entirely sure who Jordan is. But elsewhere, yes this is the case.

Looking at his wiki page, blow me down, he's only had decent TV roles since 2 years ago. So, this time next year I'll be special guest rapist on The Bill and from there to prostitute myself at the nearest outlet of the gay mafia in Cardiff. From there it's a surefire string of parts in Big Finish, the voice-over in Confidential for an interim episode between Anthony Stewart-Head and Stephen Fry, and new semi-regular in Spooks.


Oh, wait, I don't live in Britain and I don't have a job. Dang. Back to writing I go. Anyone on the right side of the Channel can have a go. Colin Hicks for 12! Alan Stevens! No, Alan Fridge! Lawrence Miles! The Doctor can be Father Christmas' evil brother for a change. Miles Reid! His acting in those obscene photos he posted of himself on OG was brillaint. Mark Goacher! Please audition, and be sure to film it and post it on YouTube, the results will be brilliant, I assure you. Adam Rickitt!

... well, there are SOME exceptions, clearly.

How about getting the blokes who played The Twins in The Matrix? Good fix for the trouble of the demanding part, different twin to play the Doctor each week! Or Sir David Jason, let his viral infection of all Christmas television continue. David Warner! Or at least David Warner's corpse on marrionette wires voiced by Michael Gambom if circumstances demand it. Bill Nighy! How many times do we need to ask? Adrian McArdle! I still say it's time for a short Doctor!

I haven't actually said much about my choices for the 11th Doctor which has since gone to Graeme Smith, captain of the South African cricket team for some reason, but for the record I might just post my top ten...

1. Aidan McArdle
2. Martin Freeman
3. Lee Ingleby
4. James Purefoy
5. Jonathan Aris
6. Robert Lindsay
7. Bill Nighy
8. Sam Troughton
9. Paul McGann (Hang on.. he's been the Doctor, hasn't he?)
10. James D'Arcy (HA! You have no idea who it is!)

The important thing is, that it isn't Mark Gatiss or Nick Briggs.