My first attempt at a Wiki:HowTo. It got knocked back, though, as they said it didn't have very practical instructions to follow. I'll let my readers (yes, both of them!) be the judge of that.
The Secret of Depression
1. Fail at everything
2. Make jokes about the greatness of your failures light-heartedly, thus prompting your friends to laugh in your face
3. Write down a list of your day's achievements
4. Upon noticing that this list is emptier than Michael Bay's trophy cabinet, turn it into a list of your erotic fantasies
5. Hurriedly cross out all of the ones that involve other men
6. Awkwardly turn it into a laundry list upon a similar realisation to #4
7. Weep all over it like a little girl, thus letting your tears wash your life into the sweet oblivion that you are so envious of.
9. Repeat steps 1-8. Every day. For the rest of your life.
11. Relive the sheer patheticness of your previous life every second
12. Go to a Halloween party as Nigel Verkoff
13. Try to explain to the people at the Halloween party who the hell Nigel Verkoff is
14. Realise that we don't really have Halloween parties in Australia, and you're actually at a Buck's night. Alternatively, being American.
15. Misplace your entire bathroom, thus causing you to remove the full-body-shoe-polish integral to this costume.
16. Stop and think about the obvious option you had of NOT covering your genitals with said shoe-polish.
17. Attempt using an industrial solvent
18. Get your first hospital breakfast
19. Get your first kick-in-the-balls from an angry nurse
20. Receive likewise much over.
21. See your extended family
22. Run away from your extended family.
23. Write 2 million words about Doctor Who.
24. Watch 2 minutes of Summer Heights High.
25. Have your career destroyed in a few year's time when people discover libellous rants against Chris Lillee on your blog
26. When being facing said inquiry, get confused and explain that all the child pornography is simply research for your performance as Nigel Verkoff you gave prior to your full-body skin-graft
27. Watch a marathon of Big Stan, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay and the complete series of Oz to prepare for your life in jail.
28. Discover that capital punishment is re-legalised, because you're in a dystopic future now.
29. Go with the whole "These charges are false!" angle and inadvertently cause your lawyer to be brutally murdered
30. You seduce the lawyer's now-widow, only to realise that you're actually making out with a dead dog like that really fucked up scene in Changi. (I'm sure I didn't imagine that...)
31. Escape with your analrapists and declare yourself a heroic rebel leader, only to realise your crew are arseholes and your spaceship wants to kill you.
32. Be crushed mercilessly... by a deathly pale lisping anorexic drama queen of all people!
33. Have a boot stamping on your face, FOREVER.
34. Wake up, and marvel at the sheer fucked-upness of your day-dreams
35. Look down and realise you ARE dressed as Nigel Verkoff
36. Look harder and realise... that you ARE Nigel Verkoff.
37. Jump out of the window like Denholm in The IT Crowd... only to discover the ground is made of sponge cake.
38. Remember you love sponge cake
39. But forget that you're diabetic
40. And incontinent
41. Holy shit, are you Nigel Verkoff at all??? .... yes. False hope there.
42. Do some assignments
43. Receive your marks on said assignments
44. Listen to your voice on tape
45. Play the demo of Sudden Strike 2
46. Read Sean Hughes' book
47. Watch An Inconvenient Truth
48. Watch The Great Global Warming Swindle
49. Watch the full five minutes of that YouTube video of a drunk David Hasselhoff
50. Watch the five second cameo of David Hasselhoff in Dodgeball
51. Actually, that last one is hilarious. I don't know, hit yourself in the balls with a claw hammer or something. But try not to make it too funny.
52. Clone yourself and make love to the clone
53. Get dumped by your own clone
54. Realise that was ANOTHER dream, and that your entire life is a lie told to a deaf man.
55. Hang out with Jym de Natale
56. Look back at the references you've been making and realise how beyond obscure they are.
57. Go into a door just like the one in Being John Malkovich, except that it transports you into Jym de Natale's body for a day instead.
58. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into the Grammys
59. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into the Tonys
60. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into the fat moustachioed gay S&M model of the year award ceremony
61. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into Burger King
62. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into Alan Jones
63. Unsuccessfully attempt to get into your own pants
64. Unsuccessfully attempt to get the lead role in some zero-budget fan audios
65. Unsuccessfully attempt to win an argument on the internet
66. Go home.
67. Realise home is a sewage outlet
68. Realise the process is irreversible.
69. Grow old
Well.... that'd be a start. But it still won't get you as low as I was feeling a little while ago.
Feeling great now, though. So the moral of the story is: incorporeal mental punching bags are AWESOME. And if, say, anyone should feel the need to steal any slurs against a certain amateur actor mentioned above, they are all fair game.
EDIT: Good God, how could I leave watching Blake off that list? Ah, well. I think I covered that series fairly well in my usual subtle style...