Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Have you seen ANY films at all?

The above was a question I was asked the other day, and now I feel obliged to defend my right to complete nerdhood. Of course, I could have done so by reciting the entirety of MC Nerdalot's It is Pitch Dark, but I think I may be the only one in my programming class who knows about Infocom, so that would surely backfire and be interpreted as somehow cool.

Anyway, as I said in defense, it can seem as though I HAVEN'T ever seen any films, because I did not spend my child- and teenage-hood watching popular films, and many of the must sees I have never seen. For example, the following films I have seen not a frame of:

The Terminator films, Mad Max I-LX, The Rambos, Fight Club, Jaws, any Texas Chainsaw whatever and the like, True Lies, Predator (wait... saw the end) and most of the big, popular movies of the 1990s. The reason between this is that my dad, unlike I gather most dads, wasn't an action film guy. I have never seen Jean Claude Van Damme in action. He was a comedy guy. So just about every video rental brought back was a 1980s screwball comedy, and I thus see myself as an unwitting expert of the obscure titles of the eighties.

So, have I seen any films? Check out THIS list... if there is no film on this list that you have NEVER heard of, my cap shall be doffed to you like a motherfucker.

Neighbors - The dark and frankly disturbing comedy set entirely in one house that Jon Belushi and Dan Aykroyd made right after Blues Brothers.

Innerspace - One of my absolute fave films, with Martin Short as the everyman who gets a shrunken jet-fighter hero played by Dennis Quaid injected into him and has sex with Meg Ryan as a direct result. Brilliant comic action sci-fi antics haemoragghe forth.

Time Raiders - Terry Gilliams first major film. I think all of Monty Python are in this one, and I remember it being quite good though I'm hard pressed to remember a single scene.

Stripes - Bill Murray, Harold Ramis and John Candy go to military school and up being given a rocket-launching winnebago for reasons I never really got.

Trading Places - You SHOULD know this one, as it is an honest-to-God classic. Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Lee-Curtis, Denholm Elliot, rampant insanity.

The Silver Streak - Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor in a complete baffling combination of buddy comedy and bloodlust-fuelled thriller. Also features the dude who played Jaws in the James Bond films. (Or, if you're Gen-X, the psycho dude with unhealthy teeth from Happy Gilmore)

Detective School Dropouts - Modern re-telling of Romeo & Juliet that kicks Baz Luhrmann's arse. Starring Lorin Drefyuss and David Landberg. If you've never heard of those two guys, it's because they only ever did one other film...

Dutch Treat - ...wherein they're two guys who manage to commit manslaughter on a cruise ship and thus need to flee into Amsterdam, get chained up by S&M prostitutes and, upon escaping, convince a Dutch pop group that they're big time managers. Would be brilliant if it wasn't such a blatant attempt to sell this group to the American market. I don't think it worked.

The Hudsucker Proxy - Some comedy about a guy who invents the Hula hoop in the topsy-turvy business world of the 30s... and then goes bankrupt.

EVERY Terrence Hill and Bud Spencer film ever made. If you don't know them, they're like modern day Italian versions of Asterix and Obelix.

Black Sheep and Tommy Boy - David Space and Chris Farley make the same film twice. It's still funny the second time..

Life Stinks - Mel Brooks and Jeffrey Tambor star in the poor man's Trading Places. Still highly amusing.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Matthew Broderick's big break! Some dude named Alan Ruck is a dude who's the nerdy friend, but apparently makes himself cool by perving on Ferris' girlfriend. That's all I remember, aside from the Principal being completely insane.

Down Periscope - Kelsey Grammar and the chick from Dumb & Dumber in an ancient diesel sub, facing off against Bruce Dern and Philip Seymour Hoffman - crazy wargame style. Hilarity ensues.

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World - Again, complete classic. Everyone who calls themself a movie person should have seen this. Comedies may get better than this, but never bigger. Spencer Tracy, Phil Silvers, Sid Caeser, Milton Berle, Buddy Hackett, Mickey Rooney, Jonathan Winters... yes, they're OLD people names. It's an OLD film.

Spies Like Us - Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase single-handedly stop the Cold War, despite being a pair of bumbling tits!

On the Nose - Robbie Coltrane and Dan Aykroyd finally united on celluloid! Scamming the Dublin bookers using a cursed Aborigine head in a jar that predicts the winning horses. Serious. This is a real film.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Michael Caine and Steve Martin face off as unscrupulous conmen fighting for control of Beaumont Seville in the South of France, taking Glenne Headley as their mark. Featuring Emperor Palpatine in a cameo.

BOTH Stake-outs - Emilio Esteves and Richard Drefyuss make wise-cracks while sitting in a house waiting for something to happen. Eventually it does and hardcore action ensues. The film-makers bafflingly decided that Rosie O'Donnell was just what the sequel was missing.

Sneakers - Robert Redford, River Phoenix, Sydney Poitier and Dan Aykroyd battle Ben Kinglsey through their new-fangled hacker-machines of the 80s. Probably slightly more thriller than comedy, but 100% cool.

To Be Or Not To Be - Mel Brooks running a theatre in Poland during the Nazi occupation, and fighting the good fight for the revolution.

Without a Clue in London - Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley play, respectively, the bumbling, alcoholic Holmes and the brilliant Watson.

Bullshot! - Boy's own spoof, recounting the adventures of Wing Commander Bullshot Crummond starring... I've no idea. Mel Smith and Billy Connolly make cameos.

Disorganized Crime - A host of crims show up at the appointed hour... but the boss has been arrested. So, they have to wing the bank job. Hilarity and much tension ensues.

Roxanne - Steve Martin retells the story of Cyrano d'Bergerac in a small American town with the help of a large prosthetic and Daryl Hannah.

Wilt - Griff Rhys-Jones and Mel Smith make, to my knowledge, their only big screen foray. Jones fantasises about killing his wife and - tada! - she dies. Smith is the pig-headed detective who's out to get him.

In & Out - Kevin Kline is gay. Wow, what a novel concept! This one sucks. But I have seen the whole thing.

Bowfinger - Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy, directed by Frank Oz. I do believe the last good film any of them were involved in.

Funny Bones - What the fuck was WITH this film? Jerry Lewis and Lee Evans, apparently. Oliver Reed as a villain who does nothing. I can't describe this.

Missing Pieces - Eric Idle and Robert Wurhl save a murder mystery involving Eric's estranged Buddhist monk foster parent and an ancient Chinese dagger. I swear, none of these films are made up.

Great Outdoors - John Candy and Dan Aykroyd go on holiday together. Gristle-eating hi-jinks.

Funny Farm - Chevy Chase goes on holiday. Testicle-eating hi-jinks.

The entire National Lampoon's Vacation series (Yes, even Vegas) - Chevy Chase and Beverly d'Angelo go on holiday. A lot. Featuring Mel Smith and Eric Idle briefly.

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid - Steve Martin makes a tribute to the film noirs of his youth by editing himself into the classics doing wise-cracks. Quite amusing.

Splitting Heirs - Eric Idle discovers that Ric Moranis is King of England. Or something like that. More nudity than you'd think the story would require.

Parting Shots - Massively unpopular but, IMHO, hilarious Michael Winner comedy about a guy who's going to die and decides to kill everyone who fucked him over in his life. Amazingly feel-good tone. John Cleese, Oliver Reed, Felicity Kendall, Peter Davison, Bob Hoskins and Ben Kingsley. (Only Eric's missing!) Apparently Nicola Bryant is also in this film but I have no idea where.

Canadian Bacon - John Candy's last film.

The Ernest series - I'm pretty sure all of them. Ernest Rides Again and Ernest Escapes From Jail are, of course, the best.

The Three Amigos - Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short manage to save a small Mexico town in between endless crotch-thrusting and camp singing. Cameo by Phil Hartman.

The Vidiot from UHF - Weird Al Yankovic and Michael Richards team up to save a community TV station.

Lady Birds - Rodney Dangerfield has something to do with cross-dressing boys playing soccer with the girls.

The Long Shot - Tim Conway, Harvey Korman and two guys you've never heard of (or, alternatively, FOUR guys you've never heard of) do a lot of very stupid stuff when gambling at the horse track.

Sgt Bilko - Steve Martin is the conman sergeant, Dan Aykroyd and Phil Hartman are his rubes. Quite good, in spite of its reputation. May contain an early appearance from Tony Shalhoub from memory..

Lost & Found - David Spade tries to crack onto a French chick. Hilarity ensues.

The House Guest - Sinbad scams his way into Phil Hartman's home by pretending to be a black friend he hasn't seen since college. Lots of education on the differences between Anglo-Saxon and African American gentlemen ensues.

Senseless - Marlon Wayans gets super senses from an experiment, which allows him to outsmart the villain of the piece, David Space.

All at Sea - Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau pretend to be performers to get a free cruise, and find themselves in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the prima donna bandleader Brent Spiner. Once again, these are all real films.

Nuns on the Run - Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane go into drag as nuns to escape the Triads. Featuring a rare (for this list) Doctor Who connection with Camille Coduri featuring as Eric's short-sighted girlfriend.

Phew. Add to this both Caddy Shacks, both Rent-a-Kids and all three Cannonball Runs. That should do for the tip of the iceberg.


Youth of Australia said...

I've seen some of them films.



Mr Quixotl said...

Dude, it's "Time Bandits" not "Time Raiders"...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Apologies to all the pedantic Terry Gilliam fans out there..

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I spotted it too, but hell, we all knew what you were talking about.