Okay, this is a weird one. But delving through my old text files again and I find this... hoo-boy. A clip from Jeff Fenech that they played on Get This constantly, asking in vain as to what the meaning trying to be conveyed could possibly be. Came from Today Tonight, naturally. Sadly, I've been unable to find any sort of link to the original .mp3, but I did transcribe it at the start of the text. It's
"Is, is not a crime at all. Like I said, I, I can be with Frank Tenane and tell him to shoot you an if he shoots you and I di'n't mean to tell him, I'm joking, they shoot me, huh? You say he shoot ya?"
"Don't shoot me, Frank."
"Tha's'fo'sure. But I'm just saying, if I told Frank to jump off the harbour, told you not to land in front of the harbour bridge and jump off the harbour bridge and ya jump.... I don't want ya jumpin off tha harbour bridge!"
Now for the FACTS
Time to crack this riddle once and for all. What becomes immediately apparent, is that whatever Fenech is referring to, is not in anyway illegal. Even if it is, as it seems to be, conspiracy to commit murder. Which creates a bit of a dilemma, because murder is quite obviously a crime in our country. This suggests that Fenech is actually referring to an altogether foreign justice system that he is familiar with from years of travel.
Like I said, I, I can be with Frank Tenane and tell him to shoot you an if he shoots you and I di'n't mean to tell him, I'm joking, they shoot me, huh?
This passage reveals that Fenech is just another victim of the notorious 'Frank Tenane' - most likely not his real name. If Fenech is to innocently suggest, in a half-sarcastic manner to this heavily-armed psychopath, get this, he will actually kill them. If Fenech is then to comment at all on in dissatisfaction on, say, the manner of execution applied, or the fact that the execution happened at all, he himself is to be immediately executed. The 'huh' punctuating this information betrays a genuine surprise that the other can be unaware of this status quo, which means that Fenech believes this is quite normal. He is utterly accepting of the rules of Tenane's overlordship, suggesting that there is something of a Stockholm-Syndrome taint to their relationship, given the expansive freedoms given to braindead and retired former heavyweight champions in our modern society.
You say he shoot ya?
This can be put down to simple confusion on Fenech's part, due to mishearing an earlier question, he is clearly under the impression that the interviewer has told him that Tenane shot him. As heard in the audio, there is much confusion at the point, so clearly Tenane has a reputation for incredible efficiency in his work. Possibly he is also unnerved by the prospect of being interviewed by an undead, walking corpse of a journalist whom has been slayed in the not-too-distant past by his pimp-like murdering retainer. This in turn unravels another layer to the relationship, as although Fenech believes that this guardianship is both normal and benevolent, he yet fears recompense and clearly guilt for those who are mowed down in his path to retired boxer oblivion-land. He can not argue that he is unable to decipher the difference between right and wrong on this evidence.
Don't shoot me, Frank.
Every way that this interruption from the interviewer can be read is disturbing.
a) Frank is in the room at this point, with a loaded gun.
b) Having encountered Frank before, it left such an impact on the interviewer that he regularly hallucinates the man in front of him, holding a gun.
c) Fenech himself is holding a gun at this point, and through his own searingly ethical Walkley-award winning journalism skills the interviewer has deduced a disturbing truth - that Fenech and 'Frank' are the same man!
Let us therefore assume that these are all true.
An Aramaic phrase that roughly translates to "Haha, you are embroiled in my wed, o fly of flies. Your pennance shall be as the burning skies to the earthworm in bed, know what I am speaking of?" only recorded once in all of recorded text, and that in a small graffito found at the outdoor lavatory of Ozymandias. Such casual use of such errata indicates that Jeff Fenech is a man of far greater learning than previously indicated, and one of sinister intent.
But I'm just saying,
Covering his tracks rapidly, instantly regretting that previous comment that reveals so much and attempting to defuse (or appear to defuse) the situation...
if I told Frank to jump off the harbour
Okay, this is where things get complicated. He attempts here to imagine a scenario wherein Frank Tenane would commit suicide via leaping into Sydney Harbour. The very thought, though, appears to send him into a terrifying spiral of instability, and he is quick to present a new hypothetical..
told you not to land in front of the harbour bridge
...to one wherein the interviewer is asked not to land in front of the Sydney harbour bridge. (We shall ignore the fact that the bridge does not really have a 'front' for the timebeing..)
and jump off the harbour bridge
He feels that what he has proposed is insufficient for true intellectual stimulation, and so bids to complicate the matter, by proposing the idea of him landing and jumping at the very same instant - a notion toying with the concepts of Quantum mechanics, a form of Schroedinger cat concerned with duality and the potential for conflicting actions carried at the same instant the more controversial models for the structure of time itself. Pondering the question of whether, if both these actions were to be undertaken at the same instant.. what would happen to the fabric of reality?
and ya jump.... I don't want ya jumpin off tha harbour bridge!
Sadly, at the point of realising his Einstein-esque thought experiment, his own bruised and battered brain buckles and collapses in on itself. Tragically, the inner-workings of Fenech's Leap remains lost to time, leaving nothing but dim assurances that he does not wish to see complete strangers commit suicide senselessly. This can be read as either a triumph or a temporary set-back for the sinister, all-encompassing force of Frank Tenane, depending on whether one considers this mythical personage to be either another personality of Fenech's devising or a corporeal form unto itself. Whichsoever it may be, it cannot be but read as a disturbing tragedy.
I am so fucking high right now.
(NB: Of course I am actually not, being one of the sobrest people in Australia in all regards (er, well, one or two regards I guess) but I needed a punchline and for a change 'Fuck you!' didn't quite seem adequate..)