Friday, August 1, 2008

Don't mention Doctor Who...

..I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

It's interesting to note* that in the early days of this blog I liked to keep it broad, by referring to an interest in "British sci-fi" in the tagline. I seem to recall it in such a way as to suggest that this place was a forum for the discussion of such. That tagline is no longer there, replaced by a simple pun on 'nerd'** which is far more truthful. Because observant people will note that one this blog I do NOT discuss Captain Scarlet, Quatermass, Survivors, Bugs, Red Dwarf***, UFO, Sapphire & Steel, Judge Dredd, Moonbase 3, Star Cops, Space 1999, Doomwatch, The Tomorrow People, The Tripods, nor even Bounty Hamster.

Casually looking at my post figures I see that I've devoted 1 post to Ashes to Ashes (arguably no more than it deserves..), 2 to Kaldor City (I think one-and-a-half more properly..), 5 to Lord of the Rings (It sort counts...), 5 to Doktor Cube (Hehe), 4 to Blakes 7 and 1 to Sharpe. Yes, I know what you're thinking - I've talked about Sharpe way more than that. And also it isn't anything near a sci-fi when Nigel Kneale isn't writing it.

Have I missed anything? Hmmm... oh, yes! 57 posts about Doctor Who. Yes, that's what this blog is about. I may as well admit it. I'm a bit of a fan. I have a couple of DVDs, it's true. I might, on occassion, endeavour to see an episode months before it airs in this country. I may, by freak chance, spot a continuity error with regards to a story made forty years ago which was last seen warming Michael Grade's fireplace.****

I was reminded of this all again yesterday, when I received The Infinity Doctors, Grave Matter, Corpse Marker and Time's Champion in the mail. Yes, all on the same day. Note, I'm also so infected with fandom that I assume you know that those are all spin-off books.

Ocassionally I like to try and remedy this by posting something entirely unrelated to Doctor Who... like DOKTOR CUBE!

What's that? "Please please please please don't post it, you bastard?" I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

Lightning flashed across the 32% red marble layered granite blocks,
striking at the darkness and illuminating the TWO armies of TWO clones
racing across the bridges two face the Doktor, and upon TWO's command,
destroy him. However, whilst TWO's army would have the advantage
against the greatly outnumbered Doktor Cube, it being their dimension
with their vision in fully accelerated visionTWO.0, the Doktor was in
possession of his CUBE vision, which allowed him to gain the
upper-lower ground. As the armies raced closer, the Dr said to TWO one
last thing… "Prepare yourself… I imagine ONE day, ONE will find you,
and that day will be your last." And with that the Doktor launched
himself at a 249 degree angle off the red marble layered granite roof
of the temple into a horizontal spin and let loose a barrage of 7.65mm
train-salvage AK ammunition, within effect creating a wall of death
against which the first two hundred and twenty two TWO clones were
mown down, the first casualties of TWO's own personal war. After the
next twenty-four were defeated whilst the Doktor had to replace his
clip, another four-hundred and ninety seven TWO clones were destroyed
by the 420 degrees farre height super-heated shrapnel flying from the
newly AK-created groove, which formed the beginnings of a trench. The
Doktor leapt feet first into the groove, and in mid-air changed back
from his hell raiser armour into his uranium-titanium polymer trench
coat which absorbed the heat and converted it into a shield against
enemy intrusion of the newly brandished TWO-created AK-TWO-FORTY-TWOS
by the front line TWO clones. As momentum from the leap transferred
through the Doktor into the groove itself and was sent flying, he let
loose another barrage of AK-47 ammunition in the general direction he
was travelling along the trench, with a variation of 6.451% to 6.450%
lack of deadly CUBE.0 accuracy. The velocity more than enough to win
over the kickback from the AK, the Doktor continued digging his way
along the trench underneath the TWO army, the clones vaporising upon
his irradiated shield. After hitting the side of the temple the Doktor
flew off the side. Thinking at a speed faster than that of
8455867337268777284887 the Dr fired off 47 rounds off his AK into the
purple shaded horizon, the resulting kickback mixed with the force of
his einsteinium/uranium boots smashing breaking through the side of
the temple roof being enough to push him back against the temple wall.
Another 16 shots allowed the Doktor to manoeuvre his angle to run
along the solid granite temple wall and fight against TWO supported
gravitational forces by running along the temple at a downwards
diagonal angle. The ground not visible below through the mist, even to
the Doktor's CUBE vision, the Doktor fired his AK at a chosen point
approximately 700.27572699739 meters ahead on his current course. By
the time the Doktor had slid down to the point the hole was large
enough to latch onto and swing into. Now safe for the moment, though
as the Doktor knew, NOBODY was ever safe… ESPECIALLY TWO. He only had
to crouch for 3,428 milliseconds before a literal army of TWO's raced
down past the hole in the ancient pyramid, travelling TWO fast to halt
their pursuit. As the Doktor was pondering his next move, another wave
of trans-dimensional destructive energy his him, and once again the
fabric of the reality was shattered then rebuilt into something
completely different… this time a silver lined conference room with a
stretch desk with twenty extremely comfortable looking mal-titanium
nitrate product chairs. Nineteen were empty.. . "Doktor, don't be
alarmed… if that's possible… take a seat. I don't believe we've been
introduced. I'm a bad-ass black mutha." A bad-ass black mutha sat in
the occupied seat "By the way, my name is 8-BALL." As Doktor CUBE sat
down at the opposite end of the table, he noted 8-BALL polishing a
large rifle, on the side of which his CUBE vision picked up "AK-NXT".
All around the table were strewn assorted other weapon designs some of
which were already polished. The Dr also noticed that 8-BALL had
bandaged hands, obviously from jacking cars in Italy and selling them
at prices multiplied to the power of ten in Afghanistan, and
eventually the order of Hashishim was resurrected for one last
assignment, to destroy 8-BALL, after disposing of the Hashishim 8-BALL
cut his hands through using them as short range target practice using
his SAM (surface to air missile) equipped shotguns, one of the other
weapons lying on the table. "So, Doktor…" producing a joint and a
titanium/einsteinium lighter, "you want some of this shit? I've got so
much, but with my hands like this, you know, fires a hazard, and I
only set myself on fire on duty. The Doktor suddenly got suspicious…
"Titanium/einsteinium lighter… where the hell did you get that?"
"What's that nigga? I'm so BAD!" "Don't fuck with me." "OK, I procured
the materials at a place called U.R.GAY.IN.L.A." "Hmmm. Very well. I
know the place." "What? No shit nigga, me too." "As you were saying…"
"Damn straight, yo, this is my secret weapons base with a
transportation reality fragmentation device. I run the joint, no one
else knows about it, no one else needs to. Except maybe you. WE WILL
SEE…" "Yes, yes we will. So where is here?" "We are still in TWO's own
personal hell. I came here when you did, and he tried to recruit me. I
said no, he tried to banish me, I said "Man what the fuck?" and
escaped, and built this place underground, where I have every range of
individualised weapons, explosives and a transportation reality
fragmentation device customised to my own personal standards. Also you
don't get this shit no where else." "So why did you bring me here?"
"Why not?" "So why did you bring ME here?" "To offer you a deal. TWO
pisses me of somethin BAD! I built a full schematic probability
building device, and I know a fair bit about his pad. You go on a few
assignments, do a few jobs for me, and I pay you in
techno-bling, big fuck off shiny ones, I pay you in…" "What?" "Guns…
lots of guns." "We have reached an agreement here." "Sweet mutha! Oh
yeah, and you got full usage of my transport reality fragmentation
service, just say YO, 8-BALL, WASSUP?" "What's my first assignment?"
"Your going to hack in to TWO's computer system and place a Trojan
file, this will allow me to see into their system. You'll have to do
it from one of the pyramids, so they can't trace us here, and I'll
have to transport you a short distance from the temple so they don't
detect your approach too far into their sensor net. Oh, and you'll
have to cover your tracks so they will have some SIRIUS SHIT to attend
to figuring out what we did, yo. I don't have anything small enough to
destroy only one computer terminal, so, uh, just take out the entire
pyramid and surrounding landscape." "What's stopping us from doing
that three times?" "Give me a minute. Anyway, your gear for this
assignment is two AK-modifications, an RPG launcher and a warp core."
"What is the function of the warp core." "Beats me man, but it just
SMOKES, yo, damn nigga, that's CRAZY talkin!" "Excellent." "Your have
two possible drop co-ordinates for transportation, the first is from
the ground. You will have to approach through the bad ass wilderness
yo, and stay down underneath the sensor net till you reach the Mayan
temple's outer security wall. You blow a hole in the wall with
whatever you can piece together en route and destroy EVERYTHING on
your path to the inner wall, after that the schematics are kind of
sketchy at best, I drew them on with a pencil. The second drop zone is
400 ft up in the air." "I'll take the air." "DAMN! Ok, you'll have
radio communication the whole time yo, except inside the pyramid."
"Parachute?" "Non-applicable, dig?" "Excellent, then my plan is
flawless." 8-BALL slid the mods across the table along with a 7x7 inch
stack of explosive tip AK ammunition each containing 6 RPG's for the
launcher. "You ready?" "Ready or not TWO," and with a click of his AK,
"Here I come."

To re-iterate my friend wrote all of these. I do not want to be identified with them, even though I post them to fill out my blog from time to time.

I also need more sleep.

*Or, more specifically, not interesting at all.
**Could be replaced by "Dweeb Crossing 0 miles" or something similar in the near future
***Seriously, have a look!
****Oop, my finger slipped. Sorry about that.

1 comment:

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I dare say this is much more interesting than what I put up just now. And I didn't write it either...