THE DOCTOR: Okey-dokey, gang, it's Christmas time so I'm going to show you how much I love you all! Jack!
THE DOCTOR: You mentioned in passing how much you like ebonics so I've given you two black playthings!
MARTHA: Erm, what's in it for me? I'm engaged, remember?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, yeah, your 'engagement'. You're going to like this one, Martha - when you get home your 'fiancee', you know that old scarecrow that you painted a pinstripe pattern on before sticking my photo on front of it that you keep in the cupboard and think I don't know about and seriously that freaks me right out, is actually going to be ALIVE!
MARTHA: Oh my god that is the best news ever! Leo won't have to do the marionation anymore! And I won't have to listen to his talk of oncoming suicide as a direct result! Aww, thanks a billion, billion!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, and let's not forget Jacqui, dear old Jacqui - you never believed in me. You never had faith in me. You never even liked me. But I know how much that twat pissed you off by doing that really shit fanfic where you died every second episode and so I made doubly, doubly sure that Adam WASN'T brought back in this story.
JACQUI: Yes, I did notice that...
THE DOCTOR: In fact, I killed him with my bare hands and now here's his head, mounted for you.
JACQUI: Oh, you're a dear.
THE DOCTOR: And Sarah-Jane Smith... I arranged the death of that former prime minister who sort of looked like you so won't get called a Thatcher-clone bitch in the street anymore.
SARAH-JANE: K9 could use some more batteries..
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, right, I'll pick 'em up... and finally... Rose! You get... me. An identical copy of me, who acts like the Eccleston version so isn't quite as insufferable to be around all the time, but has my good-looks, will age along with you, openly admits that he wants to sex you up and is probably into the kinky stuff.
OTHER DOCTOR: Oh, you have NO idea!
ROSE: What? Is that it?
THE DOCTOR: ...isn't that enough?
ROSE: Jack got TWO sex toys! Plus he has too many already! THIS ISN'T FAIR!
THE DOCTOR: Alright... I'll give you a pony..
ROSE: I DON'T WANNA PONY, I WAN' MORE LOVIN'! WAAAH, WAAAAAH!
(Rose beats her fists against the floor viciously)
ROSE: GIMME LOVE, GIMME LOVE, GIMME LOVE YOU BASTARD!
THE DOCTOR: Okay, okay.. jings... right... I'll make a clone of my clone...
THE DOCTOR: And the pony...
THE DOCTOR: And... erm... magic pencils. So that you draw a cow and the cow comes to life.
THE DOCTOR: And... erm... this bus token.
ROSE: Right. (beat) I guess that will do. BUT I WANT MORE NEXT YEAR YOU BASTARD!
THE DOCTOR: Right, right, okay...
DONNA: And what about me, Doctor? I've stuck by you more loyally than any of these losers..
THE DOCTOR: That you have, Donna, that you have... and that's why your reward is EXTRA special...
DONNA: Oh boy!
THE DOCTOR: You... get your mind wiped by yours truly and dumped in a ditch.
DONNA: Oh - what?!?
THE DOCTOR: ZAP!
THE DOCTOR: I do love a happy ending. Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!
NEXT YEAR - THOSE CYBERMEN YOU ALL THOUGHT WERE SHIT ARE BACK AGAIN! BUT IT CAN'T BE AS LAME AS THIS...