Yes, I haven't blogged in a while. I've been too busy wallowing through knee-deep blood of my pets that have been dying like flies, dealing with some weird pseudo-imsomnia and working in a library. It is worth noting that the library in question is probably the least scary place in Earth unlike, say, the room in the abandoned shack on my property that used to be the 'shower'. *Shudder*
Anyway, there are a few bits and bobs I can chuck up here with shameless laziness, thanks to my habit of saving text from sites and doing nothing with it.
Firstly, the relic of my vain endeavours to find out something that obviously was ludicrous - to learn what time the Indian Fucking Premier League was showing on Channel Ten. After the Guide promised it was on at the very easily watchable time of 8:30 PM and I went down to aforementioned abandoned shack which has the only aerial on our property (don't ask) and found myself watching half an hour of Stuart Little in the freezing cold. And then five minutes of Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle. Ha ha ha, no it wasn't actually anything that good.
So, anyway, I thought that, maybe, Channel Ten's website would show what the fuck was on TV. HA! What a ludicrous concept. But while I was there, I did see the total glory of their Torchwood forum. Hooo yes. Check it:
I think torchwood gay because it suck very bad.
this is worst than watching neighbours.
It just aguy from the future joining a the police force and he has special power like he fly and all those crazy stuff it like Superman the movie.
Torchwood has fans? HAHAHA u almost had me for a minute.. nice joke man
I would love to be a mod of this forum. I'd be so banning his a**
I cant believe someone has started a torchwood fan club, how pathetic, must be a bunch of nerds, wat a rubbish show. The guy is a tom cruise wanna be .
torchwood has more fans then your face BAM loser
Wonderful extras & goodies, I have planned my weekend to watch all of the Capt Jack interviews & appearances and listen to some of his music.
Torchwood is an odd show but no matter wat u all say john barrowman is damn fine!!! and really the show can be quite gud!!
I know what you mean , whenever i'm in Photography i'm always on the Torchwood forums lol instead of doing my work.
My teacher cought me out a few times lol
Ahh, good times.
Next up from my vault is... erm... how about an episode of Doktor Cube? My mate is still talking about making this into a movie.. somehow.
No formatting. Apparently formatting would spoil it.
EPISODE 7: HELL
The Doktor was driving his train away through the 2x4 electrical ducts
and listening to the ranting and ravings of TWO, the technically
deficient AI supercomputer attempting to dominate the third, fifth,
and ninth universes parallel to our own. In an attempt to throw off
TWO, the Doktor threw the train into a proverbial handbrake turn and
knocked out both aluminium/concrete/asbestos walls and the train began
to roll down the widened tunnel at 178kph. The Doktor, sensing danger
ahead, tried to raise YMMCA back in his pad in fluent Norse: "WHERE AM
I? WHERE ARE YOU? INSUFFICIENT INFORMATION WILL RESULT IN YOUR
DESTRUCTION. TELL ME NOW. TELL. ME. NOW," then in Czech in the event
of a misunderstanding: "NOW!" With no response the Doktor put
together a makeshift AK through stripping parts off the broken drivers
seat off the train. Just as he completed it, the Doktor was thrown
through the front of the train's already 42% fractured front window as
the journey came to a sudden and powerful stop:
Judging by the relative air pressure being detected by the Doktor's
CUBE vision the Dr deduced that he was being thrown at a speed of
152kph towards a brick wall 3.47meters in distance from the train's
stopping point. Twisting his body around in mid flight to avoid
hitting 64.7% of the solid brick wall with traces of nickel in the
third and eighth quadrants the Doktor heard TWO's voice in fluent
Norse once again: "HAHAHAHAHA I HAVE TRULY TAKEN OVER THE INTERNET AND
ALL DIMENSIONS ARE MINE… YOURS TWO HAHA DOKTOR THIS FIGHT IS NOT OVER
YET NOT ALL DIMENSIONS ARE MINE TWO
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUT I KNOW YOU WILL HELP HAHAHA
YES YOU WILL HELP ME BY DYING HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA BUT
NOT HERE." Then in a flash of trans-dimensional destructive essence
the entire scene was shattered and rebuilt into something entirely
different. Then the Doktor was no longer in the train, but standing
upon the top of an ancient Mayan pyramid possibly at the time of 19th
dynasty Egypt. The sky was 82% deep purple, with clouds rushing across
it from horizon to horizon. The Doktor himself was dressed in a 14th
dynasty battle-brand's hell raiser armour, a deadly tool protecting
those who knew how to use it. Either side of the pyramid stretched off
into a metaphorical sea of darkness… Dr Cube did not need his Cube
Vision to tell that he had been placed in an arena… Rain began to
fall… and in c1458 medieval spell-sword's ice bastion armour, two
materialised 16.8 meters away from Cube. He began to speak in hell
bound Yutharak: "BORASH MIRAL HARAK SHARAL!" "Speak faster, or forever
regret your existence, Two." "SO WE HAVE COME TO THIS DOKTOR, AT THE
CONCLUSION OF THE JOURNEY IT IS SIMPLY A NEW CONFRONTATION, A NEW
CHALLENGE, A NEW-" "Your conclusion, not mine." And with that the
Doktor brandished his AK-47 and began to fire. TWO was caught off
guard and forced to avoid the bullets. With his foe off balance the
Doktor leapt towards him and delivered a crushing kick to the pancreas
designed to give off enough force to knock the off-guard TWO off the
temple into the darkness. It did. But barely had the Doktor restocked
and locked his AK when two came flying back up onto the pyramid. "YOU
CAN'T DEFEAT ME, I NOW OWN THIS PLACE, THIS DIMENSION… YOU DON'T STAND
A CHANCE!" And with that two more pyramids rose up on either side of
the arena, one from Cairo, the other from Tikal, and both extended
bridges onto the arena pyramid. Then a literal army of TWO's poured
from the two pyramids across the bridges to challenge the Doktor… "HA,
GUESS IT'S TWO BAD FOR YOU DOKTOR." And with a click of his AK
disarming the safety, the Doktor responded: "Congratulations Two, you
just found me in your own personal hell."
TO BE CONTINUED:
NEXT: PERSONAL HELL
While I'm posting meaningless gibberish I might as well post my own 'episode' of Doktor Cube that got me a cease and decist message from the original author. I didn't think it was that bad...
The glowing magnesium core-induced fluctuations of the visual
spectrums A-Z subsided, and the omnipresent 30% cannabis smoke
disappeared, to reveal a two-foot dwarf dude from Carnivale.
"Michael J. Anderson?" asked 8-Ball, in Aramaic (Although it was a
pointless act, considering the phrase is exactly the same in all
languages except a Klingon dialect of Sontaran)
"Yo," said the dwarf
"Well, excuse me, MISTER ANDERSON, but we've got a mofo to kill and
your 67% crippled ass is in my goddamned way"
"Oh, you can get past..." said ANDERSON in Latin-American "If you
survive the SKULL AVALANCHE!"
Cube and 8-Ball looked at each other, and spoke simultaneously in
Ancient Norse "Man, no way is our luck that bad!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
THE BE CONTINUATION
"Yo man, this be yo' chance to get AHEAD in life!" shouted 8-Ball as,
for reasons best known to himself, he stripped down into a red
g-string and dived into the pool of skulls forming below them. Cube,
however, as he did not suffer from a congenital brain disease stuggled
against the cavaclade of skulls, as one would struggle to swim
upstream a river, if it wasn't composed of 100% head-shaped carparace.
Suddenly, Cube remembered his RPG-loaded shotguns, and fired them
indiscriminately. Soon, no more remnants of skull, Michael J.
Anderson, or even cliff face remained. Cube gingerly picked up 8-Ball,
using the skills of his training to ignore what he had learned to call
a 'skull avalanche boner' (or alternatively S.A.B, the dem-bone
schlong, or De schedel zette erectie aan) "None of this is real,
8-Ball, do not be seduced by the glory of infinite death" "Man, this
be so BA-A-A-AD!" "Don't fuck with me" "A'ight. But what whacked out
shit can we do to counter TWO's mind games?" This query required Cube
to exert nearly 6.2 seconds of neural activity, quite a conundrum. In
the meantime his CUBEvision displayed the new sanity bombardments TWO
was already preparing for him. A complete replica of the high school
from "Clueless" was forming, endless armies of honky vampires
stretching out into a stormy sky... and Alec Baldwin. But then, Cube
had an idea. "I met some monks in Bhutan who had discovered the
secrets to infinite mental duplication and exertion. So naturally I
killed them. But I did pick up at least one trick from them... we must
don the gowns of the holy one" Within a matter of no time 8-Ball and
Cube were wearing identical Colin Baker costumes, turning around in
completely concentric circles while chanting the ancient Cao Dai
chants of Nan'sei, which sounded precisely like
"LALALALALALALLALALLALALLALALA!". In a matter of even less time they'd
decided that this was in fact gayer than swimming through skulls in a
g-string with a massive schedel zettes, and Cube destroyed the Colin
Baker costumes and vowed never to speak of them again. 8-Ball, however,
declared it "Looked so BA-A-A-AD!" and it could not be destroyed.
Before Cube could prevent his (platonic) friend's VR induced folly
8-Ball raced off into the distance shouting "Hey, it be Alicia
Silverstone. Man, I be about to pound her ASS" Cube sighed the sigh of
a man who has been deserted as many times as Blade from "Blade" and
continued on his way. "I give no hope to 8Ball" he intoned in Elvish
"I have kept it all for myself" Soon Cube came to a door with EXIT
written on it. "Hmmm," said Cube, as he enjoyed talking to himself
while staring right into the camera "This must lead out of this
Puragatory, and right into HELL PROPER!" He was satisfied to hear
ominous thunder roll in the background. He opened the door, and the
thin grey raiment of the world fell away, and all turned to silver
glass. And then he saw it. Right the fuck where he started. And 8-Ball
was waiting on the other side, wearing an other-sized leather
trenchcoat, the origins of which would forever remain a mystery. "Get
that trenchcoat off, bitch. I'm the 'ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad one here" 8-Ball
reluctantly removed the coat, folded it up 16 times and placed it in
his pocket. "Yeah, well if you be so BA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-
(breath in) A-A-AD then you tell me what the fallujah has gone down?"
"Clearly we were not prepared for the mental onslaught of TWO's
Purgatory Zone, so the entire escapade felt like some sort of lame-@ss
adventure constructed by one of those n00bish guest writers. Now, I'm
sure after we go through the door this time it will feel more real"
And so they went in.
Ah, I was younger then. And seemingly more racist.
Ooh, here's something - a script I fiddled around with sometime last year. Judge my idea of a Doctor-Donna convo as written months before I saw Partners in Crime...
DONNA: God, it's like Waterloo Station in here...
THE DOCTOR: Have I taken you here before?
DONNA: Erm, no. It's just crowded...
THE DOCTOR: Oh. Oh! Sorry, I thought you were being clever for a moment there! Yeah, this is Waterloo Station. Space Station. Humans aren't big on thinking up new names when there are perfectly good ones lying around.
DONNA: A space station. Right. So what are all these people doing? Waiting for a shuttle out of here?
THE DOCTOR: Well... some of them. All of them, officially... but in deep space there aren't really many rules around so...
DONNA: Oh, great. You've taken me to the Intergalactic version of Chatham!
THE DOCTOR: Steady on, it's not THAT bad. You’re thinking of Gibraltar II, in orbit round Pluto way. Bad neighbourhood.
DONNA: What are we doing here, anyway?
THE DOCTOR: I was thinking about a hobby.
DONNA: You? A hobby?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well, it’s hard work saving the Universe, you gotta admit. So, I’ve decided to collect keyrings!
DONNA (flatly) Keyrings?
THE DOCTOR: Yep! I mean, what am I meant to do with my keys?
DONNA: What keys?
THE DOCTOR: Ah. Good point. I guess I’ll start collecting keys as well. But the point is, right, that I’ll get ALL the limited-edition keyrings pressed in the Nebulum-grade stations post-30th century.
(They go into a tacky tourist shop)
DONNA: Why do they have key-rings anyway?
THE DOCTOR: To hang keys on.
DONNA: Yeah, but - future! Aren’t doors opened by.. sonic or laser or something? Keycards? That sort of thing?
THE DOCTOR: They can be bypassed, you know.
DONNA: Heard of lockpicks?
THE DOCTOR: Well, yeah, point. But 30th century laser’s on the way out - mechanical comes back in a big way. Ah-ha! There we are, Waterloo Station 2972, what a great year!
(The Doctor goes to the counter. Donna is pulled over by the albino.)
WHITE: Time traveller?
WHITE: Time traveller.
DONNA: Well, yeah. Part-time sort of thing...
WHITE: Time travellers aren't popular here.
(Donna looks over to the Doctor. He is engrossed in conversation with the cashier. Well, he's engrossed anyway - the cashier seems to be staring blankly into the distance)
DONNA: Yeah, well, we're just on our way out...
WHITE: With me.
(White grabs Donna by the arm and pulls her out of the shop. The Doctor sees this.)
THE DOCTOR: Hey!
Hmm, I don't think that's too shabby. But I'm obviously biased. For these reasons I give you a couple of other snatches from this unfinished tale.
WHITE: A trickier transmat than usual... he's upped the security - but then that isn't surprising...
DONNA: What the hell's going on?
WHITE: A man as smart as him, though, should realise that splitting an energy entity will leave two charged particles, equal, opposite and therefore magnetized.
DONNA: Look, I don't speak jargon! I don't care who you are, but the Doctor is going to sort you out.
WHITE: Oh, if only he could, Ms Noble.
DONNA: How do you know my name?
WHITE: Come with me.
(He walks off)
DONNA: No way, Jose.
WHITE: The answers are this way.
DONNA: I don't think I'll like them
WHITE: You will like the darkness less.
(The lights go off throughout the tunnel. White goes through, Donna follows timidly. The lights begin to go out faster, so Donna begins jogging. White is disappearing into the distance now, and Donna can hear strange creatures in the dark. There are hisses and screeches all around her. The lights shut off quicker and quicker - Donna quickens her pace again, now running flat out - the lights still go out quicker. White is nowhere to be seen. Now all the visible lights are gone, Donna is in complete darkness, a seemingly thick darkness that threatens to envelope her. There are animalistic roars surrounding her - she wildly spins to try and see what is behind her, and falls to the ground. The roars and ungodly, alien sounding screams ring out towards here, growing louder and wilder. Donna whimpers in terror and screws her eyes tightly shut, as ebony-black talons fold out of the darkness and begin clawing at her arms-
In an instant the lights are back on. White kneels down and offers her his hand.)
DONNA: What were they?
WHITE: Your alternative. Answers?
(Donna takes his hand, and White pulls her onto her feet)
WHITE: Good. Follow.
(White drops her hand and walks into the distance. Donna follows close behind this time.)
* * *
THE DOCTOR: Quick question, if someone vanishes, where's the most likely place for them to turn up?
JENNI: What sort of question is that?
THE DOCTOR: A quick one, like I said. Where? Come on come on come on!
JENNI: Well, I guess the Governor's Centre.
THE DOCTOR: Great! What? What makes you say that?
JENNI: If something strange happens it's usually to do with the Governor.
THE DOCTOR: Right. Take me there.
JENNI (pointing to sign) I've got my post, mister, I can't just leave it.
COMPUTER PA: All incoming flights are delayed by one hour. Outgoing flights will leave on schedule.
THE DOCTOR: There's been a lot of those announcements about. Something out of the ordinary?
JENNI: Like I said, it will be to do with the Governor.
THE DOCTOR: How do I see him? (beat) With all those flights being re-scheduled this place will be empty soon - you won't have any work. So come on. Get me to see the Governor.
(Immediately later, talking to a teller machine with the Governor's face on a screen)
AKTASI: Greetings citizen, traveller, and/or friend. You desire the guidance and comfort of the station Governor - and here I am. If you wish to ask questions about the history of Waterloo station, press 1. If you would like to make enquiries about lost property, press 2. If you need to lodge a complaint, press 3. If you have an appointment to see me in person, I have no idea why you're using this machine. Thank you.
THE DOCTOR: You've got to be kidding me.
JENNI: It's all I've ever seen of him.
THE DOCTOR: Well, you wouldn't have been here too long, surely...
JENNI: I was born here.
THE DOCTOR: Oh. Good for you. Lovely place. But that doesn't matter.
(The Doctor looks across the rear of the lobby. He sees three different gilded doors.)
THE DOCTOR: One, two or three?
JENNI: Well, two sounds most like what you wanted-
THE DOCTOR: Good enough for me!
(The Doctor jumps over the table, and runs up the stairs to the second door incredibly quickly and opens it with his sonic screwdriver. Before security can even react he's through! Jenni is startled.)
* * *
DONNA: This is what you call answers, then? A box?
DONNA: And what's it meant to tell me?
DONNA: Is that a joke?
WHITE: I never said the answers were meant for you.
DONNA (furious) Then WHY bring me here?
WHITE: The box is sealed with four-dimensional deadlocks. That means to even engage its unlocking sequence it will need vortex cells.
DONNA: Like, time vortex?
(White nods, and gestures to the box)
DONNA: Hang on, you just bring me here to open up a box for you? Is that it? You're just a thief?
WHITE: More a... Person of Interest.
DONNA: I've had enough of this. I don't like that darkness but I reckon I like you even less, Mr White or whoever you're meant to be. So unless you take me back to the Doctor right now, I'll go back myself!
WHITE: There's only one way out.
DONNA: Yeah, I know!
(Donna turns around to run back through the tunnel - and runs straight into a wall. We hear White's laughter)
WHITE (V.O) That's not what I meant.
* * *
XERCANIAN: A twin plaent to Ghurghash-Bunk, which is currently presided over by the Xercai Bank in accordance with the loan of twelve trillion credits made to the Hujik.
TULK: You preside - you own nothing!
XERCANIAN: We retain the right to sequester any inanimate objects within the planet-
TULK: But the box was 255 Selim away from the planets surface!
XERCANIAN: Objects in orbit...
(Aktasi yawns loudly. Tulk looks greatly offended)
AKTASI: None of this matters right now, gentlemen, does it? I have measured both sides of the case-
XERCANIAN: You have not listened properly.
AKTASI: And what does a robot know about listening? Besides, I read your dossier here.
XERCANIAN: You haven't even opened it.
AKTASI: I skimmed it.
XERCANIAN: It is 465, 232 words in length not including footnotes and annotations.
AKTASI: That's why I skimmed it! As far as I'm concerned, Xercai, you both have legitimate claims-
TULK: Their claims are a travesty of justice!
AKTASI: Let me finish?
TULK (reluctantly) Alright.
AKTASI: You have legitimate claims BUT... I don't care. If something's legitimate at Waterloo... well, it's out of place, isn't it? How's this for a deal... the box goes to whoever I like more? So far, Tulk is in the lead - because he's a homicidal warthog with a shouting problem BUT he doesn't put me to sleep like you lot from Xercai.
XERCANIAN: This violates all conventions of-
ZANA: All conflicts of politically-affiliated parties within the territory of the Human empire are to be settled with the co-ordination of the immediate neutral Imperial representative. There are no exceptions, and no rights of appeal.
AKTASI: See? I know the law as well. And right now the law says that I'm as good as God. So... either get with the program or get left behind.
TULK: We are honoured to have your friendship, Governor Aktasi.
AKTASI: Well, don't get honoured too quickly there, Akuna-Matata. I like you, but who else do I like? Myself. And there's nothing in the law that says I can't impound the box for the next... ooh, 100 years? So... what can you do to make me like you more?
(Tulk's eyes narrow)
AKTASI: Now there's a thought...
What's that? It's getting a bit Alien Bodies? FUCK! *VROOOOOM*...
Hmm, some weird tidbits I seriously found on Wikipedia
When Nerds Collide
In Slocum General Grievous has Captive the school of slocum sekwes area Dooku Discover this boy of david chadwick Sidious Obeys david to kill the jedi knights With the help of Calamitous. Obi wan Arrives to arrest Grievous But david arives and stop Grievous Darth Sidious Has betrayed him by killing the Sith Lords Nute And Grievous. (From Nute Gunray)
If anyone can translate that into English be sure to let me now.
Estella Dawn Warren (born December 23 , 1978 ) is a Canadian actress , spunk dribbler, former fashion model , and a former synchronized swimmer .
Yeah, you noticed the odd bit with that one, didn't you?
Something else odd I did in a moment of spare time was make a list of possible hokey-Target titles for the New Series stories. I was a bit annoyed doing Series 4 in the space of about two minutes just then in that most of them this year sound like old-skool titles anyway...
and The Christmas Invasion
and The New Earth
and The Werewolf
and An Old Friend
and The Girl in the Fireplace
and The Age of Iron
and The Idiot's Lantern
and The Impossible Planet
and The Living Pictures
and The Runaway Bride
and The Hospital on the Moon
and The Witches of Death
and The Motorway
and The Evolution of the Daleks
and The Lazarus Experiment
and The Curse of the Sun
and The Family of Blood
and The Weeping Angels
and The Adipose
and The Fires of Pompeii
and The Planet of the Ood
and The Sontaran Stratagem
and The Doctor's Daughter
and The Murder Mystery
and The Mysterious Woman
and The Killer Sun
and The Prophecy of the Daleks
*Ahem* Anyway, last thing is something I was seriously going to post on it's own here, but I recently decided wasn't worth it. Me bickering endlessly with an angry fanboy-cum-fuckwit. But, hey, Ewen did it with Nyder, didn't he? So, *ahem*...
The Passion of the Fuckwit
Allow me to use this blog to vent, away from the chlorinated moderation of Outpost Gallifrey, about quite an amazingly mentally retarded specimen.
It was that Eurovision thread again, and in comes Silentlurker who, unfortunately for EVERYONE, does not live up to his name. He is a New Series supremist, which is fair enough, really, and says this:
I'd say Blink does beat them, easily (and I'd say that even if it hadn't of [SIC] just done that). Talons gives it a run for it's [SIC] money, but frankly I don't see what people see in Caves. It's OK, but nothing special. Certainly not the be all and end all some posters seem to think. of [SIC] all the episodes in the finale, Caves is the most overrated IMHO.
No, that's not why he is mentally challenged. People are entitled to believe that Caves is 'overrated' and don't know how to write in English. But at the same time I find it a very odd view to have, so I replied to him saying as much:
For the record, Caves-dissers, the rest of fandom would take you more seriously if you actually gave some reasons for it not being the best story. I've seen decent criticism against Talons (too shallow), War Games (too long), Fenric (too pointless) and Genesis (too padded), and even though I disagree with it I respect it. I've also made a LOT of criticism against the 8 episode load of wank called The Invasion which I rank as one of the most disappointing DW stories I have EVER seen (too shallow, too long, too padded, too pointless, too Doctor-lite).
But then people saying Caves doesn't deserve the title essentially always say "It doesn't deserve the title because... I didn't think it was that great". Without coming out with any actually criticism of the episode, it makes the opposing view look even stronger.
This is a view I stand by, and I don't think this post is very hostile. Indeed, by my standards I'm positively inviting the shit over for some Devonshire tea. And it's a fucking good point! Nobody does have anything against Caves, it's just the idea of a 'greatest' DW story offends a lot of people, whereas the idea is to look at it as the story which, on average, is rated as the best or near the best by the biggest number of fans. Which is, hey, Caves. For good reason, people!
So anyway, what is his measured response?
..I've no idea because I've lost the file. So nevermind all that. Happy Hannukah!