I know, I spend too much time going on about him but TRUST ME... I have a reason this time.
Lawrence Miles has released his "If *I* Had Written The Season 6 Opener That Hasn't Even Aired or Begun to Be Written Yet..." script.. you know? The one he bragged about on his blog?
Oh, you don't. You don't actually load it once a week to make sure you read all of his slurs before they're deleted indiscriminately.
Man, I feel like a bit of a loser now...
Anyway, LM bitched about Steven Moffat DARING to write an episode with a similar premise to one that he himself had deliberately written in secret with the decision to never show anybody at all. Personally, I think at that point you lose sympathy right away. I mean, I would be pissed obviously if I turned on the TV to find that somebody had made a show named 'Calypso 5' about a heap of prisoners trying to become the new Blakes 7, but I wouldn't really have any grounds for complaint, unless I'd been attacked by psychic scriptwriters.
This was largely inconsequential. But it happened to be in the same paragraph in which he proclaimed that he had the superhero ability to urinate Moffat scripts while unconscious.
This is from a guy who refused to even WATCH Jekyll, on the high-minded premise that... it starred a guy who did some telephone adverts that pissed him off.
Now, a monumentous post from him today or... sometime recently. That I had to respond to in [bad] form. Here. Where he'll never see it. But anyway...
On the day of Steven Moffat's ascension to godhood, my pretend-agent sent me the news in an e-mail headed "Bet You Wish You Hadn't Made That Comment About Blink Now", to which my response was: 'What comment about "Blink"?' Remember, I never go anywhere near the newsgroups,
Or your own blog?
So when it turns out that an off-the-cuff comment I made three months ago
How do you define an 'off-the-cuff' comment online? It was clearly visible, afterall. Not trying to be narky, but that's a real grey area. Maybe next time you say something completely idiotic you should put a big flashing .gif next to it saying "OFF THE CUFF COMMENT". How does 'off-the-cuff' work anyway? From this defense I gather it's a little like 'off-the-record'. Oh, wait... 'off-the-record' STILL lands you in deep shit when it's a stupid thing to say.
has not only become notorious, but has actually provoked a response from the New God-King himself, I have to feel a certain level of… actually, I'm not sure what.
Confusion? Bewilderment? Come on, Larry, why is it you can never give a straight answer. It can be amusing at time but mostly it's frustrating. I can eat meals in the time it takes you to get to the frigging point..
I read the old interview of him on Outpost Gallifrey. There wasn't a single question he didn't answer by either picking apart the words used in the question, or by saying "I wouldn't say [blank] more a matter of [tangent leading to his favourite subject of conversation, in this case how much he hates Anji]"
Wow, sounds like I guessed correctly.
Now, at the end of last year, I wrote a full-length Doctor Who script.
Wouldn't have to recap this if you didn't delete everything off your blog constantly but anyway..
However, I now know that people remember me saying something along the lines of 'I could piss a better script than "Blink" in my sleep'. This changes the tone of the whole affair: it's not so much a question of putting my money where my mouth is as putting my generative organs on the chopping-block. Everything I've ever said is going to stand or fall on this, isn't it…?
... not necessarily. I think it's the way that you're making a big deal about it now. And, I have to say, focusing on one comment you made towards Moffat when you've been riddling your blog with snarky little jibes at him for the past couple of months feels like really ba dform. I haven't even read anything about Moffat making a response, but I've read a fair bit recently about his bemusement at you seeming to pick a fight with him online constantly, possibly being fed up with it.
This is indicative of quite a bit that Miles does - he shifts the focus of everything like this to make himself look like the victim. If he's the victim of anything in cases like this it's his own inability to be nice to or about anybody. I'd go so far as to say if he was just a complete bastard and unapologetic about it, he'd be a lot more likeable. But all of this slagging somebody off and then turning around and saying "Oh, because I said ONE THING-" to make them look like the petty ones is really miserly.
The fact that Moffat (of all people) was the one who forced the crisis, by writing a real TV story about a great big cosmic library, is an added irony.
There we go again - 'crisis'. Larry is apparently under seige from the nasty, relentless Moffat. Of course, we know Larry can't apologise, or give an explanation for the comment or even acknowledge the fact that Moffat deserves a bit more respect as a TV writer who actually knows what he's doing.
So, if you want to read the script, then it's at the following address. For one week only.
Wow. That's a surprise. I've already saved it to my harddrive, naturally. This one isn't getting away from me..
Bear in mind that I wrote this as a personal challenge, which means that I made various rules for myself before I started.
Oh, qualifications already...
- It had to re-boot Doctor Who from scratch, sending the programme in a direction that was as far-removed from the Russell T. Davies version as possible,
Well that's good, isn't it. I certainly can't think of a better way to prove that you're not an egocentric madman who is unable to write to a set format...
It had to do everything I keep going on about in my "Doctor Who Should Do This" blogs, while avoiding everything I keep going on about in my "Doctor Who Shouldn't Do That" blogs.
But what about the things that are listed in both blogs on different days of the week..?
But just as importantly, it had to be exactly the kind of thing you'd expect me to write, without actually re-using any of my back-catalogue.
Yeah, I wouldn't attach much importance to that one, myself...
- I had to do it properly.
Whatever the fuck that means. Come on. How is that a rule? "Properly" as defined by whom? At a guess I'd say not the production office.
Let's read this shit...
A couple of notes I jotted down while reading it:
Okay, I'm at the start... the action is filled with uncertain descriptions, very Mallet-esque... of course, this has me feeling I should check my own scripts to see if I do the same..
..oh come on, 'hoods they wear are almost medieval in nautre'??? What, are they special DARK AGES hoods? Are they 97% medieval?
'Heiromimus'? You need an alien name so take a Greek name and change one of the letters? Ooh, very clever..
After the fact, I wrote the following on OG.
...I'm not terribly impressed. It's like Alien Bodies all over again. Yes, it's good to read because of the backdrop, but he pulls the exact same trick again, setting up an elaborate background conflict and mystery and an arcing plotline (ironic given how he's trashed sci-fi's reliance on arcs recently) Aside from that the characters are generally flat ciphers, the Doctor himself being the worst offender. Until his token moralising speech he has no range at all, talking in nothing but smart-arse retorts to everybody around him. The Drudges are a spooky idea rather than anything genuinely frightening or thought-provoking, and The Cardinals are a fairly simplistic piece of his typical sociological caricaturing. Oh, and the Duenna is a terribly realised character. Utterly inconsistent.
That said, I wouldn't mind watching this episode, and he has especially come up with a good climax (Ignoring the God-Like Beings intervening - hmm, was there something like that in Alien Bodies, I wonder?) but Larry raises the standards you need to see from his work through his constant trashing of everyone elses. While this is decent, like everything else he writes it can never justify his own pomposity with regards to his own work. I think every time I read fiction of Larry's it makes me like him a little less, as it can never fulfill his own hype.
I also think it needs to be pointed out that, although he has proven he can write in a screenplay format, he has done NOTHING to prove that he can write for Doctor Who. Because this sets up an arc of his own devising, doesn't write for anyone else's characters. Oh, and a bit of grievous bodily harm near the end that I doubt would go down well nowadays..
Now, I stand by that, even though it doesn't have the requisite immature cussing and tangents into my opinions of 20 year old TV shows to qualify as a review by this site's standards. Because I wasn't impressed. But for the record, I'd like to place her the thoughts of a man who had similar views and, for my record, is far more eloquent in his voicing. And harsher, too. That's cool with me..
He hasn't got a clue, has he?
The entire episode's FX budget has gone by the start of page three, to be generous, though more likely by the second stage direction.
Compare and contrast with: http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/ins...who_3_ep_1.pdf
for how it should be done. Practical, for a start.
He blogs about "big Russell" not understanding Doctor Who and writes something George Lucas would dismiss as excessively-demanding on the CGI on his hundreds of millions of dollars budgets.
It's testament to a remarkable arrogance that Miles can pontificate about "how things should be" when he clearly either hasn't read anything about how to write a workable script or he hasn't retained a scrap of it.
There's one point of agreement, though. In his commentary on 'Utopia' Russell T Davies talks about how "some people would say you can't write a scene this long. I don't agree, and I don't work with people like that, but there are those who say it." He is talking about having one very long scene at the heart of 'Utopia': Larry has an enormous scene between minor characters before the plot starts.
It's like having listened to someone boasting about how they are a world class tennis player and finding out they can't even serve.
A comic masterpiece, but not for any reasons he might think.
And while I'm quoting OGers, how about this loser..
Quite a brave move to let it loose, although I'm sure others will be quick to portray it as an attention-seeking attempt to impress the new guv'nor or something.
Erm.. no. They'll be quick to point out it isn't actually very good. Not because they dislike LM (although that won't help) but because it really, really isn't.