By that I mean the episode. I'm not just reviewing Georgie Moffet. Because then there'd just be pages of: "Coooooooor!"
I haven't already done that joke have I? Giving me de ja vu. Must have come up with it this morning or something...
0:10 - "I don't know where we're going but my old hand's very excited about it!!!"
Cue explanation for Doctor missing a hand
1:11 - People with clean hands get them shoved inside one of those things from the ten-pin bowling arcade? Well, I'm all for some weird alien cultures... even if the same weird alien cultures dress like Che Guevara...
1:13 - "Something tells me that this isn't about to check my blood pressure..." Man, in terms of quips the Doctor has really gone down hill. I liked Colin's quip-delivery, you know - all that "Your just desserts" and "You'll forgive me if I don't join you". But then he had a very sedate style. I often get the impression that David Tennant's delivery comes from a director whipping him and saying the line needs to fit in a two-second gap...
1:16 - Wait, if everyone gets processed why do clean hands matter?
I'm probably pre-empting here, actually, as the kid's only mid-sentence. I just stopped to point out that he has.. the cold, dead eyes...... of a killer.
1:24 - Was this a Big Finish script? "Ow it's taken a tissue sample... it's extrapolating.. wait, I thik it's accelarating... now it's taken the tissue sample out and it's wrapping it in a large brwon paper bag which has 'Doggy Bag' written on the side... aha, now it's let me go! Now, freaky kid, look at my fist - AS IT GOES INTO YOUR FACE!"
"Ow, what are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'M HANDCUFFING YOU TO A TREE!!!"
I love tangents.
1:43 - "It works! IT WORKS! THE GIRLFRIEND-MAKER 4000 WOOOORKS!!!"
1:47 - Okay, he says "arm yourself" when he's in the process of giving her a ridiculously large gun. How much more does she need to be 'armed'?
1:54 - "From you?" Yes, Martha, from him. You kinda just saw it happening, and are only speaking now to fill in last week's trailer.
1:56 - "How?" What the fuck is this, a DWAD?
She just SPRUNG UP from a HOLE IN THE GROUND!
1:57 - "Who is she?"
Even assuming she hasn't just been cloned in the last few seconds... why is Donna so certain that the Doctor would know?
Yeah. I know. Trailer.
Incidentally, I hope that Marian De Haan has seen this, after all the trouble that the clones in B7 that are produced in a few minutes gave her mind...
2:04 "She's my daughter"
"Alright, alright - stop this now. You're being silly, Doctor. It's a clone, we can all see that, and saying otherwise is just silly. This is all too silly, and I'm gong to ask you to stop."
The thing that gets me about this... is that there is nothing really wrong with the premise of the Doctor's actual daughter appearing, aside from arguments over the wisdom of depriving the character of the Doctor of his mystery (Something I'm in two minds about - is it that important that the Doctor remain mysterious? Emphasise the mystery too much and people will demand the answers and THEN it will be really flat...) and the eight billionth kick-in-the-balls to Marc Platt and his retarded 'loom' idea.*
Because, in Fear Her we were explicity told that the Doctor was a dad. And, before that, implicitly told in The Empty Child. And also the entire point of The Empty Child was Steven Moffat screaming "THE DOCTOR HAS SEX!!!" via metaphor and subtext, which I stress again is slightly odd given the fact that if Rose and the Doctor have sex right after the credit rolls as a lot of people like to believe it stuffs up the arc remarkably, unless Gallifreyans continue the touch of gentials bush-league but the touch of lips monumentally important.
The point is - it's official, the Doctor has a family. Well, and I guess it was even made quite clear in The Tomb of the Cybermen... so why shy away at the last minute.
The odder thing is... on A Teaspoon and an Open Mind, I read a story with a setup so much like this it was scary. (Well, it wasn't then, because this was a couple of years ago) The Doctor is lost with the Brig when trying to get back from The Eye of Orion (Now THERE'S a gap some PDAs should have been set in...) and lands, for some reason, in 8th Century Britain or something comparable, does the wandering around thing, monastery, GASP!
"Doctor, who is that?"
"He's my son!"
The next chapter opens with a fairly clumsy explanation that in an unseen adventure the Doctor came up against some Cloner-Pirates in the far-future who stole his DNA and made a clone, that the Doctor left in a cosy monastery to be raised and educated. Sound familiar?
Oh, and from my sketchy memories the rest of the story was about dealing with an ancient werewolf on the moors. Hmmm, maybe RTD is ripping stuff off from fanficcers...
Anyway, the point is that there isn't anything remotely clever about the idea at all, unless the point of the exercise is to piss fans off with terrible writing. In which case, it is a masterstroke.
I mean, it's like if JNT really DID make The Wife of Doctor Who, and it turned out that Cameca from The Aztecs had been kidnapped by the Draconians and he needed to enlist the services of Lightfoot and Jago to get her back. (Although, I should probably stress, I would love to see that story...)
*I am fucking serious, before the New Series started EVERYONE thought the Looms were canon. I heard about them non-stop and it drove me crazy because it was such a stupid idea. Now... nobody.
2:28 - While the ginormous "...AND" is taking up the screen it's a good enough time for a status report. Even though since leaving the regular cast of DW she has appeared in six episodes of two prime-time series in the space of the last few months courtesy of the producers she originally worked under, there are some people who STILL believe
A - That Freema Agyeman was 'axed'
B - That it was due to her acting abilities, in spite of the fact that they got her the job
C - That she was also massively unpopular with the fans, in spite of the fact, again, that she's been brought back twice.
D - That they are not the bastard children of that bloke from Love They Neighbour and have nothing of worth to offer society.
I smell a particularly bullshit and ugly future fan myth in the brewing...
2:41 - Oh, come on! I was trying to forget that this was Stephen Greenhorne!
I'll try not to mention Attack of The Scorpion Man, from hereon as that episode is the focus of a slight divergence of opinion...
2:55 - Why haven't Donna and Martha been shoved in the machine? Didn't they scrub?
2:58 - "Technically... in the sense that I provided the sperm sample that result- wait.. hang on.... no, I'm full of shit actually..."
3:05 - ...so is the sheep that Dolly was cloned from referred to as her 'mother'?
3:24 - Any video gamers out there, reading this in secret, I say this episodes design is directly influenced by the Half Life series. About half of the second game is spent in dimly lit tunnels with scrap metal detritus like that and the Hath bear something of a resemblance to... fuck, what are they called, let's see...
..the Vorticauns! Or something similar. I swear the aliens in Commander Keen were called exactly the same thing.
3:39 - Martha gets captured AGAIN? ... okay let's see...
She was captured last week, she was captured by Mad Scientist in her first Torchwood episode and then captured by The Evil Glove in the next Torchwood episode and now it's happened again. By my reckoning, that's more captures then she had during her actual time with the Doctor... (Blink, Daleks and Gridlock I'm counting, if you're wondering. In Time Lords she sort of is, but then it's the entire idea of her plan so... you know..)
Starting to become a bit of a habit. I'm hoping she'll be well served by this story anyway...
4:00 - Just thought I'd mention that that explosion is an excellent demonstration of how to effectively create some action without splashing out on the budget...
4:30 - Ooh, Gary Russell's saved up his catfight-energy for this story...
Either that or I'm borderline paranoid and seeing his hand behind everything the show does, when some sites are saying he's essentially just the new Ian Levine...
Anyway, good to see that Donna sticks up for Martha despite not knowing her very long. Another strong sign of Donna's essential decency in spite of her abrasive demeanor...
4:39 - Seriously this dude is a fucking freak. Is he the son of that dude who was the Head Crimo or something? Is he pissed off because he missed out on the part of Styles by looking too weird?
5:37 - Lovely little scene there with Martha comforting the wounded Hath. I like the idea that the Hippocratic insticts are all-pervading for her...
6:08 - Hmm, I sense something of a plot point with the Hath being so incoherent..
6:16 - "I'm Doctor Martha Jones, who the hell are you?" Pretty forthright.. but as I guess I myself pointed out, she's pretty used to having guns pointed at her by now.
6:59 - Yeah, they're stretching this 'parent' thing aren't they.
Turkey baster x= gigantic cloning machine.
That isn't me speaking - that's Einstein!
7:08 - Also, really, really odd that Donna is now arguing to the Doctor that he IS Jenny's dad when he's the one who said "HOLY FUCK I'M A DADDY!!"
8:52 - Martha is clearly flattered by the Hath's clumsy advances, yet desperate to find a way to politely turn them down...
9:02 - Martha gets gang-groped by aliens - FINALLY!
Honestly, Stargate was giving this away in the very first episode...
9:55 - Okay, so we have two armies sending clones at one another, in a war that's gone on so long nobody can remember how any of it started... there has to be a Sontaran reference soon, surely?
11:34 - What exactly is it about the words "Whoever has the Source controls the destiny of this planet" that causes David Tennant to have a violent seizure?
12:00 - ... yeah, I'm really confused as to where those tunnels came from...
11:41 - Watched it again... apparently a 'supressed layer of information' in the map, which Tennant could tell from groping it.
So... they haven't put all the tunnels on the map? Surely they would have known from all the raids that they've been making over the past centuries?
12:24 - Oh... so the Source doesn't bring harmony, it's more sort of... genocide.
...seriously, no Sontaran references?
12:36 - The Doctor's going a bit overboard again... I blame Greenhorne, of course.
The funny thing is when he said "look up genocide in the dictionary because when you do you'll find a little picture of me in there with a caption saying-" I thought the next bit was going to be "Universe's worst offender". And he was going to go on a rant about how nobody can genocide like he can, and rant about roasting all the Time Lords for ages.
The reality is something of a let down. "Under my dead body". Is it a special "empty threats" edition of the dictionary?
Anyway, bet the next line is "That's fine by me" or some such variation.
12:40 - Ooh, originality.
12:55 - Lol, what an inappropriate time to have the "We're not married" thing. I also note that General Cobb doesn't say wife, he refers to Donna as the Doctor's woman. I'm probably just being a freak but I like to think it's a veiled B7 reference, what with Gan talking about 'his woman' (And I think Avon might have when referring to Anna Grant..)
13:03 - Ooh, reminds me of Tom Baker's stories where they wouldn't stop making references to his mind as 'his weapon'...
13:09 - "Can't trust her - she's of pacifist stock.." Nice eugenics subtext there. This certainly hasn't been a spectacular story so far but very competently written and strong in character...
13:40 - "You mean that's not true?!" Erm... why does she trust what the Doctor says? Haven't they established that her mind is programmed upon her inception?
14:10 - Drawing up strategies like a general?... he hasn't drawn up any strategy so far. He's said we need to get out and stop Cobb. Extraordinary circumstance but it's just optimistic planning. Not really any different from saying "I need to get to the shops and buy some batteries..."
Hey, does that make ME a soldier too...
14:20 - Man, I'm sick of seeing the Doctor getting his arse handed to him in poorly written arguments.
"No I want PEACE!"
"Yeah, but soldiers do too. Ergo you = soldier, motherfucker!"
"... YOU HAVE DEFEATED ME!!!"
A follow on from...
"You kill people in cold blood, bitch. Sometimes you let one go just for the hell of it, big deal"
"Only a murderer would know that!"
"Not really. I learnt that from Cracker. Good show that. First season anyway..."
"Yeah, fine, I'm a murderer. Now shut the fuck up.."
14:30 - Sonic screwdriver = instrument of war?... erm, no. Jenny is insanely looking for metaphorical parallels to soldiering in the Doctor's behaviour.. and is kind of freaking me out now..
16:41 - Very canny thinking from Donna with the whole heartbeat thing but... I dunno, am I an arsehole for not believing that the Doctor apparently owes it to a pre-fab clone soldier to act as parent just because some guys raped his hand by sticking it into a Hot Chick Machine?
Also, thought I'd make another divergence - I'm still confused by her ultra-hotness. That isn't to say that her beauty is such that it dazzles my mind into mute incomprehension until the next cold shower, but I'm curious as to why. After all, the Doctor has quite a motley collection of looks over the years, of which I'd say Tennant is the most attractive but even so he hardly looks normal, and then we see the Rebel People Who Probably Have A Collective Name and what with Klein (aka Styles Jr) and General Cobb we can see that the clone machines clearly don't turn them out as oil paintings, so the question has to be... what happened there? Just pure luck.
Of course, as I write this I have no idea what I'd expect the Doctor's daughter to look like. And then there's the blinding irony that, hey, she IS played by a Doctor's daughter anyway. Do I have any leg to stand on here? No? Ah, well, never mind...
17:35 - Hang on... previously I got the impression that the Doctor was on the outer of the Time War if anywhere at all. Didn't realise that he was in the thick of it... or they could just be referring to the whole "blowing up Gallifrey mass genocide" event... that would qualify as "killing"... nevermind me...
17:38 - "Then how are we different?" ... one of you is like two hours old and hasn't actually killed anyone yet, is pre-programmed for way, carries weaponry is spoiling for a fight, is of the female persuasion and doesn't have any mystic Time Lord powers due to missing out on an upbringing of force-fed Vortex viewings and an arduous training process at the Prydonian Academy.
Apart from that I guess you're peas in a pod..
18:24 - Hmm, Martha about to go through dangerous levels of radiation.. this ep really does have a Terry Nation vibe to it, you know.
And I like the way that she and the Hath can now understand one another. Reminds me of the wizards in the discworld dealing with the Librarian who turned into an orangutan.
"So what does he say when he means 'yes'?"
"Hmm. And when he means 'no'?"
"Erm... well, 'ook'. But he says it in a different way..."
18:48 - Oh God this looks like the most disgusting flirtation scene ever...
"Hey soldier. Those pimples look ripe and juicy. Want something done about it?"
19:09 - At Donna's dare to engage in homoerotica to escape from jail cells in the future, the Doctor looks strangely thoughtful...
19:34 - "Let's save your wiles for later.." Man, haven't felt this let down in a while..
19:59 - The Doctor was going to distract him.. not clobber him. So he didn't explain this to either of the others, and while the guard was actually distracted made no attempt at all to sneak past. A poor excuse for another "DON'T YOU FUCKING GO PSYCHO ON ME!" moment...
21:31 - Quite a nice alien landscape. And the whole scene demonstrates Martha's adventurous nature and playful humour.
I've been pointing out one or two of her character traits to myself because some toerag on OG was saying she had no personality.
The same brain donor went on about their being no foreshadowing of her apparently being in love with the Doctor in Last of the Time Lords so he's scarcely worth thinking about, though...
21:34 - "Okay, the massive attack we've launched is going great, just thought I'd better duck back and check that there's no guys left tied up - SON OF A BITCH!"
21:43 - "I've waited all my life for this moment... to discover a completely worthless teenager was unable to hold some prisoners in a cell. Oh, yes, this will be AWESOME!"
21:51 - "At arms! March!"
"Fuck, we need to get ANOTHER gun? My back is killing me..."
22:04 - Is the twist with the numbers that they are all the same number? Because I swear it's been the same one every time we've had a close up...
22:23 - "The Doctor? That's it?" God, this conversation's a bit overdue...
22:59 - God, General Cobb caught up with them pretty bloody quickly..
And, you know, isn't it weird that Jenny smacked the Doctor down in an argument earlier (due to the Doctor doing a guppy fish impersonation rather than actually speaking) but is now realising that she has no idea who they actually are or anything real about them, and is unable to comprehend the noiton of free will?
Ah, well, whores will have their trinkets..
23:03 - Oh, yeah, good to see Klein's on the front line. Is this kid one of their most senior officers or something? He's in every fucking scene!
23:31 - Oh, and I was wrong about the numbers thing, obviously.
24:09 - It's quite lucky for them that a pre-programmed super soldier is such a crap shot..
24:55 - Oh, she was missing deliberately. There I go again, beating the subtext...
25:36 - Is the whole "Impossible? Just a bit unlikely.." a reaction to the way Tennant said his sandwich having pickles on it when he specifically said "NO PICKLES" was "impossible" in Season 2?
Fair enough, I suppose. It was a reeeeally shithouse catchphrase..
26:26 - Martha is in a great big puddle of steaming ooze.
Yep. Terry Nation all over...
27:26 - Aaaw man... Martha must be thinking it isn't worth having all these adventures. If she isn't aging 70 years in ten seconds she's watching friends die constantly. I don't like to see my Blackamoor Queen go through the wringer this much...
28:57 - Finally we acknowledge the fact that the Doctor being a parent is nothing new! God. You see people, THIS IS ALL A RIDICULOUS CHARADE!
Funny to think, isn't it, that if Anthony Coburn didn't find the idea of an old man travelling with a schoolgirl unthinkable this entire thread of the mythology wouldn't exist...
29:52 - ..hasn't Donna told the Doctor he's wrong plenty of times?
30:20 - Martha crests the hill to see... the top of the hospital from New Earth!
"You did it! You finally did it! You maniacs... you blew it up..."
30:31 - "This is a door!"
30:38 - "I can hear them!" Err, well done...
30:56 - "They're coming!" Okay, I get the running part, but when did the Doctor have time to explain to her the exclaim-loudly-about-really-obvious-stuff act?
30:58 - I don't believe this. She just fucking said "Close the door". After the Doctor started to close it. Greenhorne, what's going on here? WAS this a BF? Is that what has been going on here? It's only in the last minute this shit has happened! God, just when the story was trying make Jenny more intelligent.
31:16 - Should have written something when I saw it, because now I sound a bit LM, but when we first got the shot of the 'tower' on the map I thought that it looked like a spaceship..
31:35 - "It's the Hath!" Oh, my word, isn't Ms Marple meant to be on next week?
32:40 - New Byzantine Calendar? How did Donna work that out?
Erm, whatever, so the robots put the date everywhere on those plates as they built it..?
32:46 - Yes, I was correct.
33:07 - And yes, I had also noticed just then that the date had barely changed.
Of course, the clock could just be broken..
33:33 - Hey, come on, Doc, a bit of sensitivity for once. I'm not sure what's got you so happy about discovering that everything Jenny has ever believed in is a cruel sham... even if she's only believed in it for four hours...
33:38 - "They're not in ruins, they're just empty..." BULLSHIT! The theatre has peeling paint all over it.
34:08 - It is now official... none of the Doctors can pronounce 'bouganvillia' correctly..
34:43 - And terraforming again! So... no mention to TSS? You know, that adventure all three of you have gone through just hours earlier, in which you encountered a clone race fighting an endless and pointless war and plotting to terraform the planet? Anyone? Getting anything at all?
36:16 - I would have found it hilarious if The Source was not designed to be broken open like that...
37:15 - Ah, and here we are... the important bit of the episode that it would be impossible to NOT have been spoilerized for me. That Steven Moffat retconned out at the end of the script (still to come) and... well, there's the aprallel to the Master, obviously, a really, really big one... but I don't think that's the biggest problem.
I think.. that it's pretty poorly done. I mean... there's something oddly crowbarred about Cobb shooting her (or, you know, trying to shoot the Doctor...) at that moment...
And also note that it gets a bit of a Two Doctors style reaction...
40:13 - Okay, I'm probably betraying my fandom roots by not being sucked into the sentimentality of the moment but, when Tennant says that the foundation of the society should be a 'a man who never would' all I can think of is...
A group of blokes in a pub. A reasonable looking woman walks past, they exchange some glances...
ONE BLOKE: Yeah, I would.
REST OF GROUP: *GASP*!
ONE BLOKE: Oh, shi-
(Police Kick door down)
40:53 - Must be pretty big frigging topsoil..
41:27 - Aaaand no idea what that paradox shit is on about. The Hand brought the Doctor to the planet.. why? I mean, he says because of Jenny but.. the hand never took them to Utopia OR to 21st Century London. And why the hand? Why not the rest of his body? It's all made of the same stuff!
42:27 - "We're making a habit of this!" Aha, it's acknowledged!
43:46 - Hang on... how did Jenny go from being on an operation table to being in the rockets cockpit in the space of five seconds, without the two guys standing guard over her noticing it happen? Slight goof..?
Yeah, that... that did nothing for me at all. I liked the Nation vibes I got at a couple of times but... okay, the twist about it being 7 days I guess was alright... except for the fact that Cobb stayed out of the fighting (well, everyone did for that matter) so you wondered how exactly their entire population could be wiped out several times every 24 hours... no, this one just doesn't work for me. Not actively bad, but... lacking in competence and polish. Jenny was the only hook but... ultimately she wasn't that well conceived a character. She jumped from being nothing but a biological android soldier who only shared DNA with the Doctor, to a girl apparently at least as intelligent to the Doctor, to a blank canvas, and then a proto-Doctor. If there was any sign that this was meant to portray the uneasy mental state of a mass-produced human then it would have been excusable, but there wasn't any so we were left to assume that this was a fully-rounded character and it never convinced me. Donna was also unusually agressive and it felt like much ado about nothing especially because, as I said, there wasn't much of a real reason for the Doctor to consider himself a father. Also, Cobb was a pretty underwhelming villain. 5/10
WHAT THOSE OTHER LOSERS THOUGHT
IMDBer Response: At the end when Jenny flew off in the shuttle, I thought I heard shades of the old Blake's Seven theme!
Am I crazy or did anyone else hear it?
I then got to thinking, wasn't one of Blake's 7 called Jenny...?
Conossieur Response: Jenny's pants - very tight and shiny, weren't they? ;)
Sparacus' Baffling Response: This idea was featured in the Wrath of Khan/Search for Spock films. Clearly the production team have recognised the wealth of ideas in Star Trek.
That Person [or Persons] on OG Who Really Gets on My Tits Response: By far the best story ever!
Lawrence Miles Thing: ...
(I actually didn't read it that week...)
Observant Person's Response: How did she know he was her Dad? It wasn't that bright in there so it must have been hard to notice his hand, she's stepped out into a room with more than one person in it (plus more than one person with clean hands).
Nyder's REALLY Baffling Response: You think the Moffster! You actually believe the Moffster is something you have made up? What is a Moffster anyway? Will Character Options be flogging one soon?
Some Dude's Response to THAT Response: All very amusing, but STOP.
(I thought that was quite tame by his standards, but no chances are being taken for a possibly impending lawsuit...)
Next Time: Agatha Christie stays at Bertie Wooster's place... The Doctor liked The Chimes of Midnight so much he tries to do it again... The Doctor comments that he's always bumping into Christie at times like this, and this is fortunately before the restraining order was placed on him... Christie demands an audience with the Borad... The Doctor won't stop doing that 'talking straight through his jaw' thing that really pisses me off... Cassandra is back!... The Doctor asks Christie to do something to justify her own presence.
Yeah, that trailer gave me nothing. NOTHING!