I did the rounds of my dad's spam-riddled account again. A much less funny crop as before, but still a couple of decently ridiculous ones:
Nell Overton / Some Lengthening Will Help - I'm beside myself with joy!
Sadly for Mr (or Ms?) Overton, regardless of his beliefs the solution of lengthening the penis isn't quite as unique as he seems to believe, judging from his ebullience. In fact, many other suggestions came through in the same day. I like the use of moderation implicit, though - 'some' lengthening. Also a nice bit of ego-padding to the person reading. "Maybe an inch - no, just half an inch. Just some, just a LITTLE, you're only a LITTLE bit short. Some lengthening will help!". A nice break from all the "We hear you are hung like a baby carrot and some snow peas, Engleesh!" emails I keep getting..
Neo murtola / She worships my mighty rod - My rod attracts the prettiest gals at the club
Really? Unless she has started The Blessed Church of Neo Murtola's Mighty Rod and signed all the related paperwork that really isn't true. And who are we talking about? Unless I know the lady in question it's rather irrelevent to me. I'm sure if I had lots of time on my hands and access to an asylum I could find a woman who would think my penis creating the Universe in seven days was a sensible idea, so it's not impressive over than the lengths you're willing to go to for an ego boost.
The next bit, the sample from the email itself, seems a bit odd. Presumably one follower isn't enough for Murtola and he's out to make some more converts, but I really don't think that a nightclub would be the best recruiting ground. Unless the prettiest gals are also significantly sloshed.
I'm also not entirely convinced of the argument implicit in that boast - is indecent exposure really the best way to attract women? In my experiences, not really. But, hey, with Neo's blessing I might give it another shot...
erasmus ming-tzo / Re: Jessica rode me all night long - BEFORE! AFTER!
Just when you think Neo is a bit egotistical, along comes his cousin Erasmus. If I want sex stories, which I generally don't, I would probably talk to my friends with girlfriends. I don't really need some slightly demented Chinese pen pals who, judging by that sample, are sending me photographic evidence of the deed. It does pose the question of what specific sexual activities that leave plainly visible physical evidence have taken place... if anyone dare delve into the realm of curiosity...
Berlinda Emmanuelle / So Wet and pink - Even lesbians came to me for a good fix after this
I am naturally curious about how any link, no matter how wet and pink it may be, can override a grown woman's entire sexuality in a matter of seconds. And at the fact that it's unusual for lesbians to have sex with Berlinda. Unless the 'fix' she refers to is heroin. But that only poses more questions!
Arpinder Erwin / Re: I'm Sorry I Banged Her
It's okay. You're only fictitious so I can forgive you this one... I think she'll be the more embarassed party, though. I'm thinking specifically if she behaves like all women on TV and sits down thinking to herself "Mrs Arpinder Erwin...."
farleigh montgomery / Kick-up video without cowards Claudia Schiffer
...wow. Erm. I'm not a big fan of Claudia's so I have to plead ignorance - she has a big kick-up video career, does she? And who are the cowards ruining it? Is it the Noel Coward family, spoiling the kick-up action with their subdued acting and thoroughly refined humour?
Or is their a missing apostrophe of ownership, and we're actually talking about Pia Miranda - the coward's Claudia Schiffer?
Is 'kick-up' meant to be 'knock-up'? I give up. This has to be code.
Roslyn Connell / Never Lose Help to Get It Bigger
Again, somebody who seems very sheltered and doesn't realise that there's already quite a PR drive around penis enlargements...
"My God? There are ways of getting it bigger? WHY AREN'T WE INFORMED OF THIS?!?"
Hang on, I missed that typo - I read 'help' as 'hope'... so we're meant to latch on to any chance to 'get it bigger' that we get? Will I need more than one person to 'get it bigger'?
francklin rayner / New a porno film with Nikol Kldman
Youch. I guess this illustrates the importance of a little research before a sales pitch, huh? Oh, my mistake, that's an 'L' rather than an 'I' - NIKOL KLDMAN. Never heard of him. Probably big in Russia. I guess the writer's strike hit the porn industry pretty bad as well...
Nick Nause / Catch it now limited screening - Mastering her g-spot
Is that Master her G-Spot starring Johnny Depp and Owen Wilson? I am SO there!
Actually, I only looked at this one twice because of the name. Always an honour to get an email from a B-grade Bond villain...
A big hand to the rest of our contestants, ladies and gentlemen: caleb chung-ya, kenyon carlyle, clive huzur, darb brinkley, creigh ned, akhil PAUL, hymie corlene, gayelord gupi, curry ivor (shouldn't that be 'Ivor Curry', really?), jehu pamela, harmon fagan, Nischint Ronnmark, fin saifalla, arvind nathanae, berky juli, Logan Lamb, inger conrad, karel orazio, iggy khueh, konrad chi-pang, conway haibo, Gurdeep Largent, Rune solis, Bradford ficke, darcy tien-chi, kelley isel, allayne eyal, hysen Bobba, Caylis Soam, crawford hardison, camey bahram, augy clarke, Levitar Viagar (One of our FAVOURITE contestants), duke johnny (Duchy of Johnsford), deryl bengt, and erl ross.
In completely unrelated news, capitalised names have gone out of fashion.