Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Greel Talk

Here's one of the ideas I've had that's incredibly nerdy, even by my standards. A pisstake of the film clip for R. Kelly's seminal Real Talk, which was noticeable for being massively inept and exclusively released to YouTube, where in his place is taken by a man in the costume worn by 'Weng-Chiang', aka Magnus Greel, in the 1977 classic The Talons of Weng-Chiang. Naturally the title becomes 'Greel talk', the tedious, poorly written argument between Kelly and his partner becomes a phone call from Greel to one of his henchmen with as many cliches as possible, etc.

It will doubtless never be made. But because it is a terribly rainy day, I just wrote the lyrics, although possibly that terms a mite misleading. Ideally they wouldn't really be sung, especially as they don't match the established meter, but rather intoned in much the same hostile and blustery manner as all of the dialogue delivered by Michael Spice. It's quite important that he sounds like Spice for the joke, as he has the single most generic DW villain voice ever.

For reference, the original clip (WARNING: Quite awful):

And here are my lyrics. Enjoy (or not)

(Spoken)Snivelling poltroon... why do you trouble me at this hour? No, that cannot be... contain yourself... SILENCE! You want my instructions?

Odious runt, I will not lower myself to bicker over who's to blame
I call no names - Greel talk!
See, you fool, the only thing that matters at this stage
Is not who lives or who dies, but how many and can I watch
Greel talk
Just because your little friend claims to have seen me in the company of the Daleks
Running war machines, ranting and raving and pontificating thusly, tell me, you slopshod buffoon

(music stops suddenly)

Did he say I was not the only madman?
Did he say there were other madmen?
Were there other madmen there?
So then, you malingering malcontent...

(music comes back)

How the fuck did that pulchritudinous pipsqueak know I was with the Daleks
When our gigantic satellite war-room BE SILENT YOU SHALL NOT INTERRUPT ME!
You have been in my service since the days of yore and you heed any gormless dunce
I cannot fathom why you treat with those blithering block-headed bunglers as is!
They do nothing but accuse me of treason when I am just trying to conquer the world
Magnus crushed this, Greelsy I heard you stole that planet
Greel talk - stay your tiresome prattling!
Did I not order you to kill the Doctor, steal his TARDIS, and bring to me the blueberry muffin yesterday?
Indeed, your visage was merrisome then!
What? Gave who some infernal crystals?
Idiot, I have given no such red crystals!
Are you INSANE?!
I see what your problem is, aside from your mental conditions
Ceaselessly your loose tongue works its demonics, telling your inspid ignorami my motherfucking schemes when
They do not treat with us, they do not fight with us, besides
What they kill I do not eat!
Greel talk

You have achieved contact with my mothership an WHAT?
Malcontent! I have followed their orders to the letter!
Greel talk, and hold your tongue
Spack me? Impudent wretch, I shall spack you!
I care not for you impotent tantrums
I tire of your comapny I shall return to my disused factory and take all of my apparati
You need not worry about me anymore
And the next time your trigger finger itches
Go and shoot some Rutan for Commander Kris
Bah, you are probably ALREADY doing such
You are going to destroy what?
Bitch I wish you WOULD destroy my crystalline tricillicate drive!

And that's where they end prematurely, because the original last three lines are

with your triflin ass, milton, you bogus girl, milton
start your car up and get ready to take me home,
this bitch then lost her motherfucking mind

And... I can't even begin to decipher them. Who's Milton? He hasn't been so much as referenced in passing!

1 comment:

Youth of Australia said...



I sometimes wonder if they remade Talons with Greel more like the 51st century we now know of.

But the plot ends the same, but most of the Greel/Chang scenes end with make up sex. And Mr. Sin as a disturbing midget sex toy.

*drops trousers*

I'll leave quietly.