So, I did something that I don't do too often - check out the Big Finish website wondering if they would happen to have one of their competitions on, even though due to the progressively underwhelming nature of their competitions logically by this year it should be "Send in a photo for a chance to be chosen to lick Jason Haigh-Ellery's boots", and find a post marked "Nicholas Briggs To-Do List".
I was naturally curious as to whether this would be:
a) A rub-in-the-faces to EVERYONE that he does the voices for every alien in the New Series, and thus lots of going on about his excursions to Cardiff and how David Banks isn't making them.
b) A treatise on "Why I'm too busy to read anything from you sad losers"
c) A carefully encoded message revealing his secret plan to take over BBC Wales and make himself the 11th Doctor.
Naturally, I'm going for 'c' as the resultant list is stultifyingly dull and I've already commited myself to making a post about it.
GTC cover issues
I have never heard of 'GTC' before but I think he's talking about resolving issues with his new cover story... that of being GTC. Clearly initials. But of whom? How about Graham T. Creed, the new weatherman on ABC1? Yes, that's right. With a wig Nick Briggs could almost look similar to the bent-nosed freak.
Now, you've undoubtedly noticed that Mr Creed's predictions throughout the entire Summer have been laughably inaccurate and that he has failed to warn us of any storms. Inevitably this will lead to him getting fired. And where do all fired weathermen go? The Weatherman's Graveyard. Co-incidentally, in Cardiff.
Now, if that isn't terrifying enough for you...
Puccini. [I’ll say no more for now. But this too has been ticked. Done!]
Deliberately the most cryptic of all clues. But 'puccini' mushrooms are the key ingredient in the soup 'muligatawny' in Seinfeld's infamous 'soup nazi' episode. What is 'muligatawny'? A form of Indian soup. So this puccini represents an Indian gift. What Briggs given the production team? Nothing but his vocal skills.
So Briggsy is going to go on strike at some point, throwing the DW production office into turmoil... but when?
Hmm, another reference to Graham Creed. Through hacking into the RTA's registration website I have discovered that the registration number for Graham Creed's caravan is 'RVA48-73'. Run that through the Enigma decoder and you get "Haha, my name is Nick Briggs and I'm the executive producer of Big Finish. Also, way to fall for a red herring, arsehole."
Son of a bitch...
Read Story 112 one-parter script.
This may seem straight forward to, you know, other people. But that's the beauty of it! 'Read' isn't a verb - it's a name! An incredibly rare last name possessed of only one person in my knowledge - English cricketer Chris Read. Whose batting average in the West Indies in 2005 was 66.25 - half of 112. 'story' clearly means 'storey' the floor of the hotel in which Read stayed during the tour, and 112 means that there's something hidden up at his room number multiplied by 2. Possibly a 'one parter script'. What would the name of this script be?
2009 subscriber special storyline notes
Nah, that means nothing. Even BF don't care about the subscriber stories.
Eighth Doctor and Lucie story 3.3 storyline – black-in red notes and send to Cardiff
Okay, 3.3... what was story 3.3? No, not Gridlock you RTD-obsessed freaks! It was The Myth Makers. A story about a giant horse. So clearly Princess Anne is involved. The terms 'black-in-red notes' is gibberish, clearly, so can only be more code. Returning to the sinister cricketing them there is one team that is black and plays in red uniforms - The West Indes. The most famous player of which is Brian Lara, who also scored 400 runs in a match where he played when Chris Read had been dropped from the English squad in favour of Geraint Jones. It all fits!
From this it is clear that the date upon which Briggs will put his plan into action will be 400 days after Brian Lara marries Princess Anne. And that isn't too far away...
Story 116 storyline to complete.
Yeah, that's just gibberish.
But he goes on to say: [A significant adventure for the Sixth Doctor and Charley. I’ve written the storyline for Part 1 and the end of Part 4. I know how it starts, I know where it’s going and how it ends. I just have to work out exactly how I get there. Yes, I need a middle! Don’t we all?]
Man, doesn't that sound cool? Sixth Doctor and Charley! Couldn't get any toffier voices on audio...
Wait a minute.. hang on...Toffy? TOFFY MUSIVAND! A guy who makes artificial hearts.
Who could possibly need an artificial heart...
Story 117 script to read.
Oh my god.. he's planning to steal Chris Read's heart! Using a method outlined in the one-hundredth-and-seventeenth DW story which was...
Castrovalva. Huh. I thought I'd get a story that would give me a little more to work with.
I'm sort of over this now...