Saw a brief bit of Doomsday yesterday, when it was foisted upon me against my consent, but luckily not much. Enough to remind me about how much I dislike it. Which is so much, that I can't actually write a decent version. All I can do is write a ridiculously polar-opposite version to everything that happened on screen. I'm sure there are plenty of miserable, cynical bastards like myself who would prefer to watch this version, though...
(NOTE: Written quite vaguely on my part)
DALEKS: Yeah, whatever we said at the end of part one and stuff.
MICKEY: True dat.
SINGH: I am too stunned to speak.
(The Cyberleader [David Banks] kicks the door down)
CYBERLEADER: What the fuck is going on in here?
CYBERLEADER: Not-Excellent. This is a Cyber story. (to Daleks) You seem to think you are in the homosexual story. That one was three weeks ago. With your boyfriend Marc Warren.
DALEKS: What are you trying to say?
CYBERLEADER: I think you know.
DALEKS: No! WHAT are you trying to say! Make it clear to us, tough guy.
MICKEY: He said you're gay! Jesus Christ...
DALEKS: Oh, so it gonna be like THAT, Tin-Machine?
CYBERLEADER: It be like that for 0.5 seconds because that's your fucking life-expectancy, salt-and-pepper.
DALEKS: Oh, well, I guess we'd better EXTERMINATE!
(Cyberleader is zapped and falls to his knees lifelessly)
DALEKS: We are so cool. See that- he dead. You see that?! What is he?
DALEKS: Oh, yeah, he... want some audience participation here! WHAT IS HE?
MICKEY: (Sighs) Dead...
SINGH: Actualy, I'm picking up a life sign...
DALEKS: You pick up nothing, man! Unless it's a... erm, what would a gay man pick up?
DALEKS: No, something like- oh fuck.
(The Cyberleader punches a fist through both of their casings, causing them to squeal in incomprehensible pain, and he then bashes the two Daleks together, chunks of their casings flying through the air and pieces of their squelchy blue flesh and blood flying through the air. After five minutes their is nothing left)
ROSE: How am I meant to get this out of my hair?
CYBERLEADER: Well, you aren't, are you? You're meant to become like us. Fuck, do I have to go over everything to you people five billion times? And you wonder why I say you need to be upgraded...
(The Doctor runs in, along with some more Cybs)
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, way to go, Leader. Any particular reason you needed the lift to yourself?
THE DOCTOR: You bastard. Anyway, what'd I miss?
CYBERLEADER: Pest control.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, so that's-
THE DOCTOR: Right. That makes sense. So... Cybermen win, eh? Blow me, that's a lot of tenners I owe now... wtf?! MICKEY!
MICKEY: Yeah. Travelled through the Universes.
THE DOCTOR: But that's IMPOSSIBLE!
MICKEY: It is?
THE DOCTOR: Yes!!!
(Mickey vanishes in a puff of logic.)
THE DOCTOR: Two of my deadliest enemies vanquished! Now all I need is some sweet bullion...
CYBERLEADER: Pitiful fleshman! We have upgraded beyond that stage as clearly demonstrated in the canonical serial 'Attack of the Cybermen' as written by Jared Hansen.
THE DOCTOR: Erm, parallel universe, all of that jazz?
CYBERLEADER: It was all a ruse!
THE DOCTOR: My God, that's genius! At least, I think it is because I can't make sense of it...
SINGH: Still here in case you were wondering...
THE DOCTOR: Professor! Oh, proffy proffy proff-proff! Can I call you that?
SINGH: If you believe life is overrated.
THE DOCTOR: Good-good. NOW, what's in the box that the Daleks brought with them, shortly before they suffered genocide at the hands of David, I mean, the Cyberleader?
SINGH: They said it needed a time-traveller to open it.
THE DOCTOR: Ah! There you go, Rose, all yours.
ROSE: Erm... why don't you?
THE DOCTOR: Because I'm sure whatever is in their is so good and benign that it would be a waste of time for the older, more grizzled of the two of us to open it.
(She does the open-y thing. And out comes... Maxil! [played by Jared Hansen])
MAXIL: w00t! Word up, motherfuckers, Time Lord in the house!
THE DOCTOR: Hmm, nice physical form, Maxil, I might just have to use that myself...
MAXIL: What a surprise.
THE DOCTOR: Hey, I did that ONCE, okay!
ROSE: WHAT?!? The Time Lords are all dead!!!
MAXIL: It was all a ruse!
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, just like that time I pretended to be Nick Briggs for a month.
NICK BRIGGS: OR was it ME pretending to be Paul McGann? Food for thought!
(Briggs is tapped on the shoulder, as he turns, he is kneed in the balls by and comes face-to-face with Sylvester McCoy)
McCOY: I believe I have an answer for you, Mister Briggs... though I seem to have written it on the end of my fist...
ROSE: How could you lie to me?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's all 'me, me, me' with you, isn't it? I lied to the entire Universe! We needed to make sure the Daleks would never find out that we were all alive all along, because they'd nuke us. Then we wouldn't be all alive all along as you might expect. It was my job to go around being a complete arse, drawing attention to myself so we could find all the Daleks that 'fell through time'. Bloody annoying thing, time. Like a sieve.
MAXIL: A big sieve too. Mothership got through didn't it?
THE DOCTOR: Yep.
MAXIL: Kind of makes blowing up that fake Gallifrey that we built entirely using Block Transfer Computation and the power of Skaro's sun being detonated by The Hand of Omega seem kind of pointless, doesn't it?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, yeah, that's some smooth exposition, mate.
MAXIL: Up yours.
ROSE: You bastard! To think I loved you?!
THE DOCTOR *Snort* You did?
ROSE:... you said you loved me!
MAXIL: It was all a ruse!
THE DOCTOR: Hey, it's MY turn to say that! You seem to be getting all the good lines, in fact...
MAXIL: Hey, poofter! Nice fourth-wall-breaking! Anyway, man, let's go! We've been sitting around in the TARDIS for ages. I'm so sick of hearing 'it's just like a surprise birthday party' it's not funny..
(Maxil goes back into the TARDIS)
ROSE: Right, that's it! We are officially broken up!
THE DOCTOR: You still here? See ya later jail-baiter...
ROSE: No wait!
THE DOCTOR: *sigh* What?
ROSE: Erm.. saving the world?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, right, can't do it.
ROSE: But... that's what you do!
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, normally but, well... I sort of had this deal with the Cybermen.
ROSE: A deal?
CYBERLEADER: It was all a ruse!
THE DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, I was getting to that! See, the Daleks found the bolthole the Time Lords were all in and I needed to make sure I could get it from them. And so, I sort of completely sold-out. Thanks for that, by the way.
CYBERLEADER: No problem. You have given us Earth!
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I noticed. Don't scratch the paint job, though, or you won't get it again. Anyway, this is me, deserting the human race. Bye Rose, proffy-proffy proff proff!
(The Doctor goes into the TARDIS and it dematerialises. Rose bursts into tears.)
CYBERLEADER: Excellent. Excellent excellent excellent excellentexcellentexcellent. Totally excellent.
CYBERMAN: I love a happy ending.