Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Before I was a Doctor Who fan...

Something that may surprise people is the fact that I was not actually brought up on Doctor Who. I was brought up on constant references to the show in my household, and infrequent lamentations by my parents that they never taped a single episode (though taped plenty of Goodies gawd bless 'em...) but the truth is that I never saw an episode of the show until the ABC started replaying it in 2003 (Although I had read a bit of Peter Haining's book prior to that. Yes, I know it's sad)

Okay, like most things I say that's a lie. I saw the PMG thing when it was shown on the ABC, when I would have been ten at most. I remember thinking it was awesome, but also that my parents looked like they'd just seen a doco about Nazi death-camps.

Before then, my mania was over Lord of the Rings. NOT THE FILMS! Okay, well, sort of the films. But I read the books before seeing the films and am quite proud of the fact. And allow me to take this brief window to give a hearty "up yours" to all the scifi and fantasy writers who want to grab our attention and convince us that they're edgy by making some swipe at Tolkien for being "boring" or some such superficial 'criticism'. The guy invented a fucking genre. Kinda puts Alien Bodies into perspective... (Miles is probably not a true offender here, as he slags off everybody. But he's not the only DW writer to do it...)

So, anyway, I became a regular and regularly disrespected member of the IMDb Lord of the Rings boards in their prime. Whilst in this position I took part in several writing endeavours. Some good... some not so good...

I ward off the Uruk's blows with my left hand as best I can, but one I cannot stop and the beast winds me!He drops me to the ground and raises his sword once more...

...and his head flies straight up into the air!His body falls and I see the grinning face of that cocky dwarf once more, with Lord Aragorn right behind him!
However those two madmen lived I can find out later.

"Fifty-five!" boasts the dwarf proudly

"That shall be enough for this evening," replies Aragorn grimly "More orcs are coming up the ladders, and the guard up here is nearly spent.We must retreat."

Yeah, erm, that's enough of that. Sort of hoped no evidence of that one had survived but people archive the weirdest things online...

By far my biggest endeavour was "The Fellowship of Jeeper", a multi-person comedy text-based roleplaying game with essentially no rules to relive the films with retarded characters. I'm not really sure why. I began with one character, which probably should have been enough, the dangerously unkempt and borderline psychotic Dunlending Mad Dog MacLagan who, incidentally, would go on to be repeatedly killed by some batshit insane Elf archer only to possess a thoroughly unintimidating animal, try to threaten the good guys, and be killed instantly again. You'd think that would get old after a while...

Incredibly, this still survives online. Along with disturbing evidence of both my attempts at cartoonery and how long-lasting my desire to make an adventure game is.

What doesn't survive anywhere, lost completely to the mists of time, are the two sequels. The first based on The Hobbit, wherein I stretched myself to a cast of what ended up being about 20 characters (I remember Lotto Sackshaw the supposedly evil hobbit, Smashi the incompetent Orcish agent, Captain Klink, a mutant orc with genious I.Q, and Radagast the Brown, who talked like my bus driver for solely my own amusement...)

The next sequel was where things jumped the shark, though, as it was based on The Silmarillion - the Middle Earth bible, essentially, that was published posthumously by Christopher Tolkien from his father's notes and is more of a Sparacus-style synopsis than any actual story. I cut myself back down to 4 characters - Lotto and Smashi, who resurrected Mad Dog (who didn't come back from the dead last time round) and with Sauron's brother. Doug. The equally destructive and evil force of darkness, who isn't taken seriously because he's a nerd.

Now all that setup is out of the way, here's a surprisingly long script that I produced after being offline for nearly a week and completely losing the plot. Curiously enough, it co-incided with the blossoming of my Who infatuation...

(Man, is this the longest setup for a piece of fic online EVER? Well, if this counts as 'fic'. If you ask me more of a black box recording...)

(Lotto, Smashi, and Doug are wandering down a decidedly non-descript path in a forest.For those of you wondering how to decorate your Doug action figure, he is wearing the trademark Colin Baker-Doctor Who outfit.)

Doug - Hmmmmmmmm, judging by the thread title I'd say we were asleep for 52 years, at the least.

Lotto - Yeah, that sounds about right.Er...what happened to us before our 'sleep'?I can't remember?

Doug - Uhm...yeah, good question...

Smashi - Weren't you two plotting to kill me?

Lotto - Who knows? The plot got so convoluted I couldn't keep track.

Smashi - Yeah, I hear you.

Doug - It was perfectly simple. By killing Smashi's past self I could have effectively killed Damrod, and hence wiped out all the Free People's and emliminated their presence here...if the resulting wormhole wouldn't have killed us all.

Lotto - Dude, give it a break. It's time we just faced that our existence in this story, such as it is, is soley to provide mildly amusing skits throughout the tale disguised as some sort of comprehensive subplot.

Smashi - And it'll all end the same way, too.

Lotto - Yup. Laced lembas and dance parties.


Lotto - Yeah! (Taking a pull from bottle of whisky) I mean, I try to be nice.I was even thinking of reforming. But oh, no.Those free peoples treat me like dirt.Just 'cause I'm a stoner. If they hadn't shunned me like they did I could be a valuable member of society. I could...deliver pizzas!

Smashi - Yeah!

Lotto - Work in a DVD-rental store!

Smashi - Yeah!!

Lotto - I could be, you know, the guy who holds the sign on the side of the road....or a bass player!

Smashi - Yeah! Bass players frickin' rock!

Lotto - Especially that dude from Sum41.

Smashi - Shibby!

Doug - Okay...if I can cut through the sentimental crap you're spewing out like Jerry Springer, are you saying that Damrod and co. ruined you're chances of becoming normal citizens with equal rights?

Smashi and Lotto - Yes.

Doug - Would you then decide that they deserve to die?

(Tiny pause)

Smashi and Lotto - Yes.

Doug - Right, that's good enough for me. The rest is all BS, who cares?We're evil, we're gonna kick some ass, and we'll do it with class, that's all that matters!

Lotto - We don't even know what's going on!We need a recap!

(A strange other worldly noise rings out, and another version of Doug appears...this time dressed as Morpheus)

2nd Doug - I am you, two hundred thousand years from the future.

Lotto and Smashi - WTF?

2nd Doug - I have secured the powers of Doctor Who script editors, and have constructed a not-completely implausible explanation of your characters' recent actions, which is also entirely incomprehensible.

Lotto - "Doctor Who"? I don't understand?

2nd Doug - It is futile to attempt communicating with me. To have to answer any of your queries I would have to memorise what you said after two hundred thousand years. And, for Lotto's diminutive interest "Doctor Who" is a brilliant program, that plebeians like him wouldn't have heard of.

Lotto - Hey! You just answered my question!

2nd Doug - Well, yeah, that's because I just happened to remember that idiotic question. Now-

Lotto - But then surely you can remember everything I say. Like, I'm gonna say LALALALALALALALALALALAALA!

2nd Doug - SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!!


2nd Doug - *Ahem* From memory this is where you, young Doug, turn Lotto into an inoffensive gerbil.

Doug - Wicked.

(Doug turns Lotto into a gerbil)

2nd Doug - Hey, I just made that up, and as such I'm changing history. How cool is that! Anyway, yeah, here's the current situ with your characters that my army of script writers have prepared.

(2nd Doug pulls out a sheet of paper and starts reading)

2nd Doug - Okay. Doug was captured by a governing power of rogue Maia seeking to assassinate Morgoth, gain control of his fortress and create an unholy unity between the two polarised powers. Using the power of this union they would dethrone Eru and control the universe. Lotto and Smashi meanwhile escaped from the elven city of Whatsamacallit and teamed up with Mad Dog and his army, advising them to bide their time for invasion. They met up with Doug...but it was really a fake Robot-Doug sent by the Maiaic conspirators, that split apart into two and sprayed them all with cool poison gas. The army was enslaved and Lotto, Smashi, and Mad Dog were imprisoned with Doug to further the conspirators after psionic probing. Doug, however, used his mental powers to cause the Maiac mind-probing devices to backfire and kill their token mad scientist character, and the four made a prison break-out. Mad Dog was shot, but psionic interference prevented his soul from leaving the tower and he managed to possess the chief-guardsman. He then took a runner and left the tower. Doug encountered the Maia's leader...only to discover it was Sauron!!! Or, rather, a 'good' version of Sauron who had managed to escape from a doomed freak parallel universe. (-=*DEEP BREATH*=-) They duelled to the death, and GoodSauron was destroyed (but not in a way that would prevent him from returning in future episodes). In the meantime, however, Lotto had inadvertently activated the prototype Laser Cannon designed to kill Eru. Doug trained the laser cannon downwards, reasoning that if the powers locked within the tower could not be his then no-one would have them. The ensuing blast sent them all into the Void. Doug, Smashi, and Lotto escaped in an incredibly ingenious way (which we can't disclose due to insufficient time), though the Eastering Army was lost forever. The heroic trio now search for their lost comrade Mad Dog, who is somewhere in the wilderness.

(2nd Doug dematerialises)

Smashi - Whoah...did we really do all that adventurous shiznit?

Doug - It'd explain the subsequent memory blockage and our prolonged absence form the threads...so yes. Let's assume that we did.

Smashi - And we're looking for Mad Dog?

Doug - Obviously. Let's go!

(They take a few steps down the road before a gigantic mountain-troll jumps down in front of them, the subsequent earth-tremours knocking them off their feet)

Doug - RUN SMASHI!!!

(Extreme close-up of Smashi, who is shielding his face and screaming like a little girl.Cheesy cliffhanger music and roll credits)

Probably not my best stuff from the threads, but I don't know what else I saved...

1 comment:

Youth of Australia said...

Wow. Sort of Clerks meets Future Echoes... hilarious.

Yet. Disturbing.