Monday, March 17, 2008

431 Bottles of Spam on the wall, 431 Bottles of Spam...

I don't get spam. No, it's true. I've got a very good filter on my email, or just good luck or something. I've never been inundated with the hoards of Spam email that most people get, apparently quite regularly. Which is probably for the best as I am very short-tempered when it comes to unwanted emails.

In my youth I led a charge against chain-emails, or 'forwards' or what the fuck ever you call them. Specifically ones that looked like this.

Hey man this is fucking hilarious make sure you read not that Im gay

From 3:15 AM 9/2/04
~~From 3:14 AM 9/2/04
~~~From 3:14 AM 9/2/04
~~~~From 3:11 AM 9/2/04
~~~~~From 3:10 AM 9/2/04

until eventually

Yeh, like, 40 years ago a girl died in a house somewher. She slit her wrists until blood came out and thendrank it al untl she died in drowinng. She did the kilself thing becaus she was lonely. If u don't email this two five hundred ppls who ar not gay the girl wll put a curse on u and yu wil not meet the love of ur life at midnight tonight, insted u will meet my friend who wil giv u much viagra from nigeria.

This shit put me in such a rage I blocked most people who sent it, before eventually adopting a far more subtle and rewarding method of sending death-threats to everyone concerned, before changing my email settings so that all emails from them in reponse to said threats would be sent directly to the one guy on the email list who I actually knew, hopefully putting him off email for life.

So generally people are too terrified to send unwanted material into my inbox, and this seems to extend even to those weirdoes in New Zealand who apparently get paid by 'Cialis' or whoever to set up programs that send entirely illegible email to as many people as possible. My dad, however, doesn't have this reputation, and as I found today while checking his email (that's my job, you see) has now amassed incredible levels of spam. 431 spam emails. Four hundred and thirty-one. Would you not term that 'a lot'. So, for want of anything better to do I decided to take a look, and see what sort of crazy bargains were on offer from my Nigerian friends today...

ingrim gadi ___ Rihanna porno dvd preview - WATCH IT FOR FREE

There's a few things I like about this one. First and foremost, the idea that Rihanna would actually have a porno DVD coming out. Second, the fact that I wouldn't have heard about it if she did. Then the fact that the Indians would apparently be the first people to get their hands on a copy and immediately move to share it with the world. And finally, the explanation of the term 'preview' in allcaps, as that word's clearly quite high-fallutin' for the porno crowd.

Shinjin mizher ____ Free up your lust - Lynn moaned in pleasure and cried that the feeling of my lo...

One of the great features of Gmail is that it gives you a preview of the body of the email. Never be left in the lurch again! And here we see that this email is apparently somebody trying to spread their 'erotic literature' to the world at large. Within the inviting proposal of a monk teaching you how to 'free up your lust'. I'm confused about what exactly that's meant to mean. So, I free up my lust... what does it do then? I can't think of much else it can be useful for. Lusting up people is it, surely? Not as if it can finally realise its dream to represent Australia...

Tonia Sanez ____ I was tired of being a virgin

Hmm. This doesn't work either as a start-up line in conversation or through email. Nothing like spam that tries to bore you with life stories...

jean-paul bang ___ Rihanna porno dvd preview - WATCH IT FOR FREE

"They're not buying it from the Indian guy! Get our French branch onto it!"

I guess a guy name named 'Bang' is a prerequisite for selling porn DVDs...

gregory oldfield ___ Your giant jang will rule the world

..setting aside the fact that I have never heard it called that before (a sinister new meaning behind the Gang-Gajang?!?) I think this clearly shows a problem with those advertising gigantic members, in that they seem uncertain over actual intent of people wanting penis extensions. Often borne out of insecurity, it is true, but I've yet to meet anybody who wants a gigantic, sentient penis with the intelligence, ability, and independence to conquer an entire planet.

A bit surplus to requirements, surely?

Jeanine Mcmullen ___ Set your wife on fire - I'm not kidding, all the girls in town will admire to go wit...

This falls, I think, into the 'scary' category. Incinerating human beings as an aphrodisiac? No. I do not think so. The big question, I think, is what on Earth this is meant to advertise. Matches? Firestarters? Postal: The Movie?

lazlo drazen ___ Re:Enlarge your organ today to the size you always wanted

Now THAT sounds more like it. No more Stewie Griffin-style intelligent cocks on promise here. Just big ones.

It can be interpreted as quite amusing, though, thanks to the use of the word 'organ' as a euphemism for 'penis'. Possibly grounds for false advertisement really. I mean if I show up asking for Lance Armstrong sized heart, what are they gonna tell me, huh?

Sach Killingworth ___ Take Hayden from Behind!

Whoa. Were Hayden Christensen's performances in Attack of the Clones and Jumper really bad enough to warrant a stream of viral marketing directed at offering people the chance to violate him Deliverance-style?!

What am I saying, of course they were...

harrison dharmara ___ Interesting dvd Madonna

Jeeze... you gotta feel sorry for Harrison, eh? All of his colleagues at the Hindustani branch of Spam Inc. are given the Carmen Electra and Rihanna porno DVDs to cell... and what does he get? A clean one with Madonna. That is arguably fairly interesting.

I almost clicked on this one, that's how bad I felt for him.

Well, those are the highlights, but the rest of the spam was of quite high quality so the senders should not go unheralded for their fine work. Ladies and gentlemen, a hand if you would, for Fazeel Cronus, Lveitra Vigara, Estaban Kramer, Dell Dian, Gaspar Lory, Levi Melendez, Ilari EMMANUEL, Lveitra Viarga (no relation to Lveitra Vigara..), Jerad Ingemar, Gifford Amy, Me, Cyrille Peebles, Alick Guy, Kimbell Russell, Hasheem Erling, Lveitra iVagra (no relation to either Lveitra Viarga or Lveitra Vigara), Cristian Dai, Conrado Stephon, Laird Torsten (the fifteenth Laird of Torsten, I believe), Seokjun Legge, Aldrich Jacques, Gran Garfield, Amadeus Clarrie, Eldon Zapata, and Hannibal Mahbuba!


Youth of Australia said...

LOL. This is the sort of thing that should get you on The Chaser.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, to be fair making fun of spam emails is fairly easy to do.

And I don't know if I could get work with The Chaser after I made sure to insult every one of them with that Ten Questions thing.

Also I'm not sure if I'm a big enough Doctor Who fan ZING!

Youth of Australia said...

Hah, like they'll remember YOU...