Saturday, February 9, 2008

You were wrong, TV-reviewing guy!

Nothing much can beat the joy of proving people wrong. At the moment I can't remember who the hell I even am proving wrong, but some TV reviewer made some flat out bullshit statement about "no land forces from either side even coming in sight of one another" until "the last 18 months of WWII" in the Pacific Theatre.

BAMM! Battle of Timor, motherfucker! Read it and weep into your wheeties!

Unless, you know, you don't actually read my site. In which case you'll remain blissful of your intense ignorance and continue spreading bullshit, such as stating that William Hartnell, John Pertwee and Peter Davidston star in The Five Doctors. (I'm working on the assumption that it's Robin Oliver now, because I hate her/him)

Well, I guess the above statement would also be false if you didn't eat wheeties. Which is probably the case, TV-reviewing guy. You spend your whole life watching TV and bitching about stuff you don't even know about. Have you ever picked up a book? Do you even write your bullshit down, or do you dictate it to a secretary? A secretary that's chained to your heater, you bastard. And I bet you are fat, being a TV-reveiwing guy, and therefore that every meal you have is deep-fried.

So, to remedy that, "If you happen to read this, you will weep into your fried-mousse sandwhich and lose the stamina to call out ejaculations about the new series of Kath & Kim to the emaciated sex slave who does all your work for you, you evil bastard."

Well, that's all the material I got on that. To fill out this entry - it's MYSTIFYING ARCHIVE MATERIAL!!!

(Gimli sits on a dead Uruk, smoking. Legolas strides up, polishing his bow.)

Legolas - The final count….is 5342.

Gimli - 5342? Well, that’s not bad for a pointy-eared, prissy, glam girly, media-whore elf princeling.

Legolas - So what was your score?

Gimli - Hey, I haven’t finished yet. Lessee, where was I? Oh yes, an elf princeling so anal-retentive that he's still trying to solve the mystery of his disappearing tights, so effeminate he was over-qualified for Queer Eye, who -

(Legolas nocks an arrow into his bow and aims at Gimli’s head)

Gimli - Whoah, calm down! Geeze, ya canna’ even take a wee bit o’ constructive criticism!

Legolas - I’ll ask again, what was your score?

Gimli - Wellll, I am sitting pretty on five-thousand-three-hundred-and-forty-three.

(Legolas narrows his eyes and looses the arrow. It hits the dead Uruk after going right between Gimli’s legs)

Gimli - Are you somethin' of a sore loser or is there a more complex reasoning for your trying to shoot me balls off?

Legolas - Yes. See, I shot at that Uruk’Hai you’re sitting on. That makes us even.

Gimli - Hmmmm, good idea. BUT, newsflash, this orc’s dead.

Legolas - No. He was twitching.

Gimli - If he’s twitching it’s because there’s a suss-looking elf standing nearby his corpse with a certain glint in his eye…

(Legolas draws his knives.)

Legolas - Right, that’s it! Back in the box!

Gimli - You’ll have to catch me first, nancy boy!

(Gimli runs off. Legolas chases after him)

Those were the days...


Youth of Australia said...

"He was twitching because he had my AXE in his SPINAL COLUMN!!"

It still makes me laugh.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, believe it or not I probably take Lord of the Rings too seriously to find that line really funny. Either that, or it's the fact that Gimli sounds exactly like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers when he says it...

Youth of Australia said...

That's the audio version, right?

Must be because it reminds me of one of my favorite Young One gags:

"Did I say give you a kiss? I do beg your pardon! What I really meant was 'stick a pik axe up your spinal column'!"

WTF? Torchwood review!


And I reviewed their latest ep too...