Sunday, February 10, 2008

Which Aussie cricketer DON'T you look like?

When I saw the ad for a Weetabix Australian Cricketer Lookalike competition thing, I knew I had to check out the site. Simply because I'm a sucker for this kind of nonsense, and to see how bad they were.
(Though in truth I was hoping that I'd be an official deadringer for insane ex-keeper Tim Zoehrer, and hence able to play him in the inevitable film version of the 1986 Tied Test against India, and thus be able to shriek madly and present my arse to the opposing batsman, inviting him to insert his bat therein)

I was somewhat hamstrung by the lack of either a recent or half-decent photo of myself. All I had was this:
As you can see, taken during my fat-squinty-no-haircut phase. Seriously, all my others are from dodgy angles, can we move on here?

Now, from that highly unflattering photograph I was thinking, "Oh, god, I'm going to get Shane Warne, aren't I?" The only other likelihood I could see was wine-guzzler extraordinaire, film critic, and once-in-a-blue-moon spinner Stuart MacGill, noted for probably being the least fit bloke on the Squad.

So you can imagine my surprise when...

Erm.... okay. I am the sixteenth best look alike for Ricky Ponting. So clearly John Simms isn't interested in this comp at all...

Come on, look at him, he's about to say "It has all the classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder!" in a Mancunian accent you could smear blubber on and call a whale.
(Incidentally, some of the critics are saying that Ashes to Ashes is terrible. But I trust the Gene-Genie)
Obviously I was quite flattered by Brett Lee coming in at number four on my look-alikes, ensuring that my blond hair had been noticed at some point by the system, and chose to ignore MacGill and Gilly, as they are undoubtedly good players, but also fairly ugly.
So... what next? Well, basically put in a high-quality photo of someone from a perfectly neutral angle and see how greatly the system fails to find a convincing lookalike. Let's see... ooh! A high-quality photograph of my long-lost cousin Andrew..

Now, from a glance at that I'd say that Shaun Tait would be the best candidate, though Ricky actually wouldn't be too bad a match for that and he could also be a near Matthew Hayden. Who do we get...

Damien Leith, apparently. Oh, no, wait, it's Justin Langer. Now... come the fuck on and tell me that that isn't the single worst lookalike you've ever seen. Well... apart from me and Ricky Ponting. Erm.. they both have eyebrows? Is that the link?

I feel obliged to point out that I knew about this whole thing from the start from an ad on the TV where a girl is flirting with a fat-faced, beady-eyed freak with blatantly-dyed hair by giggling and telling him how much he looks like Bollywood star, acrobat, fast bowler and retail king pin Brett "Bing" Lee. He shrugs this off and says that he looks like the much less popular and well known 'all-rounder' Shane Watson (Christ I know a lot of player's names, don't I?) To finish her coquettish flirting she photos him with her phone and sends it off to the Weetabix Look-a-Like-Finderer. The hideous Big Brother evictee, understandably, asks who he got. The response that ends the ad? "You'll never guess"

No charges of false advertising are hence possible, because they're perfectly up front about it. You never ever will guess because the look-alikes are so bullshit it will blow your mind. In the ad, the answer was probably Lasith Malinga. (Hopefully a Google Image Search will explain the meaning of that zinger.)

One last test - I've often said that George Bradley Hogg, a bloke doing fine work to ensure that 'Chinaman' still has one iffy legitimate use left within the bounds of political correctness, is a ringer for Lloyd Braun, George Costanza's lifelong nemesis in Seinfeld.

Unfortunately, the highest quality photo I could get of him looked like it was from Australia's Most Wanted viewed behind a screen door with a vaseline lense. It did teach me a very important lesson, though: skin tone is important.

Well, that picture came out terribly. Hopefully you get the drift.


Youth of Australia said...

Thank God there's no photos of me to attempt this...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yeah, I was curious about who you'd get. I like to amuse myself by thinking you'd get Muttiah Muralidaran.

Youth of Australia said...

You know, I can see that working...