Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Time Crush

Because it had to be done. Well, more because I'm bored, really.

4.CiN - Time Crush

After leaving Martha on Earth, the Doctor is still desperately trying to decipher her mysterious codewords - "I'm obsessively in love with and want to do you in the dirt" As he continues to ponder these words, the TARDIS starts veering madly out of control. The Doctor moves to reset the controls-

and feels his arse being pinched. He turns around, and finds himself face-to-face with a fat, bespectacled old man in a nightmarish fluro multicoloured coat.

"Nice suit"
"Do you work out?"

After a few moments the Doctor's selective amnesia clears, and he remembers his massively embarassing previous incarnations - the shock of the sheer number of humilating memories that come flooding back nearly causes his brain to leap out of his skull for its own safety, but instead he just collapses on the floor in a cold sweat. All the while his Sixth Incarnation makes clumsy and insensitive pick-up lines.

When it becomes clear that simply meeting has nearly killed his future self, the Sixth Doctor sighs and begins searching around for the fridge, while number ten scrabbles to his feet. The sixth Doctor cheerfully explains that he was on the prowl for some high-class Edwardian tail fruitlessly once again, when he happened to find a photo of his unusually good-looking future self.

"So I thought I'd make out with MYSELF - after all it's clearly what I've wanted to do all these years..."

He goes on to say that to achieve this end, he has crashed his own TARDIS into the Tenth Doctor's, to create a dimensional instability that can destroy the entire Universe in five minutes - and will only leave once his future self agrees to some canoodling. The Tenth Doctor protests and theorises on the spot that maybe he can escape by eating a hole in the space-time continuum the size of Belgium.

"No, hold on - I've got no Pepto Bismol. Bad, bad idea!"

The Tenth Doctor's next plan seems to be to save himself by gnawing off his own face - or it may be just Tennant trying to convery ambivalence - but the Sixth Doctor attacks and the two find themselves embroiled in the most terrifying Benny Hill chase-scene ever! Eventually the TARDIS buckles again, and both Doctors fall to the floor. The Sixth Doctor cheerfully announces that a black hole is going to detonate any minute - AND NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN STOP HIM NOW!!!

The Tenth Doctor leaps into action regardless, a dematerialises and rematerialises rapidly through an asteroid field, placing the asteroids in the TARDIS's orbit before aiming and launching them at a planetoid with the force to knock it out of orbit, slam into another planet and send it ricocheting into the black hole and blocking it instantly.

"You jammy bastard!" yells the Sixth Doctor

"Aha! I didn't do anything - I didn't have to! See, when you appeared I got your memories back of this incredibly humiliating experience of remembering me destroying two entire sentient alien races and their home planets just to avoid snuggling up to you, so I KNEW what to do and when to do it without any effort at all."

"ANOTHER Onthiological Paradox? Are you capable of working ANYTHING out for yourself? God, I can't believe my future self is so PATHETIC!"

The Sixth Doctor then repeatedly beats himself in the head with a hammer in a bid to wipe his memory of the encounter and thus create a big arse paradox. This causes the Tenth Doctor to smile wistfully.

"You know... I hated being you. I really did. Back when I first started, at the very beginning, I was always setting out to amaze people and bag as many women in ridiculous fashion as I could, like you do when you're young. And then I was you! And it was all lounging around and shouting at people and getting kicked out of gentlemen's clubs for indecent exposure and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted. I still do that, you bastard, I got that from you. I got some proper shoes, though. And a real sweet jacket. Snap. 'Cause you know what, Doctor? You were my least-favourite Doctor. And I'm nothing like you. Thank Christ."

The Sixth Doctor strangles him, but soon vanishes due to the TARDIS re-separating. The Tenth Doctor smiles in relief, and moves to the console to turn his shields back on as quickly as possible... only to find that the shielding circuits are missing!

The Sixth Doctor's voice cuts through the air, sneeringly "Oh, Doctor, I hope you didn't mind me taking a small souveneir? Arsehole!"

At that moment there is a terrible crash, and the TARDIS's wall crashes open, and the Tenth Doctor stares goggle-faced at... THE GIGANTIC FACE OF TOM BAKER!

"Any chance of a pint?"
"I said: 'Any chance of a pint?' "
"I SAID..."

NEWBIE REVIEW #1: The Indestructible Man

Going back through old posts in my younger and cuddlier OG alter-ego known only as 'Jared', I uncovered the DW book reviews I once posted. I was young and nauseating at the time, so they aren't much chop, but in the interests of archiving every aspect of my sordid existence on the internet for all to see, they now have a home here.

Reviews were posted under the suitable umbrella title of Adventures of a Books Newbie, due to my complete lack of knowledge/understanding of the books when I first saw a DW one in Dymocks. To my partial bewilderment, the first one I selected was the mildly notorious slab of Thunderbirds fanwank The Indestructible Man. This is what I had to say a couple of years ago:

What did I think... 'interesting' would be the operative word.

This certainly isn't a book to go into expecting the charm of Season 6. Coming fresh from the Classic Series, this book actually made me feel a bit like Mary Whitehouse with the sheer amount of blood and gore on offer. "Ooh, my!" I'd say, reading about Jamie slicing an innocent psychiatrist's hand apart with a homemade knife, and reading about civvies getting mowed down by machine-gun fire for unclear reasons, and worse things.

But, once I got used to the idea that these novels were free to do what they pleased it was quite good. The characterisation of the Doctor and Zoe was particularly good. The only thing that kept me disturbed was Jamie's psychosis, which didn't make for easy reading.

Unfortunately, I found this a bit of a slog. The plot suffers greatly from several elements: the Myloki are never really a tangible threat, the 'war' between the humans and Myloki is even more abstract, and most severely that there is a lack of sympathetic characters in the story. Bishop and Storm, in fact, who serve as the main guest cast are at times quite loathesome. And as a great many people have pointed out the Thunderbirds tributes don't sit well with the dark tone of the rest of the novel.

In spite of all this, there is a lot to enjoy in the novel. Great action sequences, well-drawn characters, clever ideas, and an inventive climax. Not the best DW novel I've read by a long-shot, but a good start to the range. 6/10

What do I have to say now?

What the hell was Simon Messingham ON?!? Nevermind myself, who accepted this crap in the blase nature of a valium addicted life coach, but the author who thought that a novel that spent nearly its entire length torturing The Doctor and his companions both mentally and physically, while characters that are blatantly ripped off from Gerry Nameicantremember's various series fly around in big, stupid, jets trying to kill aliens THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE!?? It's like he wanted to do a Saward tribute. In a Season 6 story with the most cuddly TARDIS crew ever...

Well, I must confess that I had a similar idea - I was thinking of a fic where the Sixth and Third Doctors bump into one another when they land on a junk planet at the same time, are attacked and accidentally run into one another's TARDIS... and then find themselves in the others' narrative universe. So Colin gets to rule the roost back in UNIT HQ, whereas Perters gets locked up in a cell for several chapters while posh mercenaries take over his role in the story. The difference being that with my idea the agenda is incredibly obvious - I have no idea what Messingham is trying to achieve. Or, even if he's aware that he's meant to be doing anything. It's possible that he just finds himself torturing the TARDIS crew endlessly without even realising it...

I honestly can't recall too much about the plot - I did read it about five years ago and haven't looked at it since, after all. I remember an awful lot of people dying a chapter after being introduced, though, and Jamie killing some guy who was meant to be 'an indestructible man' but clearly wasn't. I'm going to assume that it wasn't earth shattering.

Bearing in mind all its faults, though, the book is actually quite well-written. It's one of those books, though, that deliberately tries to not be Doctor Who for some pretentious reason, which works well because it doesn't fit into continuity at all so we can just assume it was an acid trip of the Doctor's. 4/10

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Stop the Facebook - I want to Get Off!!!

Oh gawd. A couple of months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life... I joined FaceBook.

Exactly why I underwent this endeavour I don't know, as it isn't me. I'm the ultimate anti-social wannabe-hermit; the stereotypical monomaniacal communist loner with irrational hatred for everything.

Actually, I take that back. I do know why I joined. I wanted sex.

This was impeccably naive on my part, though, as sex is difficult to find on the internet on the sites that are actually supposed to deal with free sex - generally nothing more than porn adverts posing as Personal Messages rather unconvincingly. What's this? Svetlana the 28DDD blonde wants to become my slave just as soon as I click on the link? Cha-ching!

But various pieces of false-advertising got me interested and I created a page. And I soon discovered it's the poor man's MySpace.

Every 'Page' of the 'FaceBook' looks the same - just with a different photo of the schmuck in question who runs the page. Or, if they're like me and both photo-hating and digital camera-void, a photo of someone else entirely, ideally who doesn't resemble the genuine article in the slightest. The other differences are the abusive messages on 'The Wall', the 'Interests' nobody can be arsed to read, and whatever 'Plug-Ins' you choose.

You can only of course choose Plug-Ins coded by FaceBook, so they're inevitably generic and completely crap. None of this changes your page, and to even SEE the plug-in on someones page, you need to actually install it first - which puts it on your page. ARRRGH!

Customising the Page in anyway is impossible - unlike MySpace. Putting your thoughts up there is impossible. Well, it's sort of possible but you have to link to a pre-existing blog. Yes, they can't even handle a blog.

Anyone, like myself, with computer savvy will see the problem. This is a piece of internet technology that is completely accessible and useable by any fucker with an Equity Card. So that's precisely who uses it. Vapid, techno-ignorant, 30-somethings desperate to keep up with the CyberJoneses, pushing themselves to the limit.

Why am I complaining about this now? Because I get emails like THIS:

Adam Matthew Morgan has cast a spell on you with SuperPoke!

I can say for a start that this is not true. I have felt no adverse affects, no difference in my condition. Unless the spell was to piss me off and the arrival of the email at the same time is pure coincidence, this myth is busted.

Adam Matthew Morgan has cast a spell on you with SuperPoke! Click here to pinch, hug, tickle, pwn or even throw sheep (among other things) back!!!

If I want to throw sheep at him, I'll fucking do it myself. I live in a rural area and he's only half an hour's drive away. All too easy.

Obviously FaceBook can't do magic. But they create cheesy features like this that claim to in a vain attempt to be cutesy and funny. FAIL'D! In short, all the site does is help people find even more ways to waste time. And I'm sick of it.

The question is this: is it possible to delete my account entirely? Because even in the odd occassion that something develops of vague interest on the site, my internet connection refuses to let me do anything. And I mean that - I can't even write on someone's wall, the entire basis of the sordid thing!

In spite of the fact that I haven't been on my account for... ooh... well over a month now, maybe even two, I keep getting email. Friend requests, checkers requests, tic-tac-rape requests, answer my desperate pleas for attention requests, requests for my types of requests to send out. It is pathetic, pointless, and aggrivating.

FACEBOOK - I shall end thee!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Meh Parts

If you ask around, read some reviews etc online with the intent of finding a BF audio to buy, the answer is clear.

Spare Parts.

The answer, in a way, makes sense. It is a story that is the Genesis of the Daleks for the Cybermen, written by the completely insane bastard who thought that destroying absolutely all mystery about the Doctor's character in a story where his madman cousins jumped around the family estate like they were on acid would be a brilliant idea. As such, the collective reasoning of fandom has been that the story itself is actually the Second Coming of Jesus Christ somehow brought to humanity in compact disc form, and its impossible to escape this viewpoint. When I specifically asked for a Sixth Doctor and Peri story from a bloke selling BF CDs he instantly preased a copy of SP into my hands and demanded his money.

Fortunately my eyeballs didn't let me down and I noted that the story contained neither the Sixth Doctor nor Peri, and as such was a complete affront to my wishes as a consumer. Regardless, I was still pressured to buy.

"Come on, man, it's what all the cool kids are listening to..."

I stood my ground and bought The Reaping. And it's a very good thing, because if I had actually bought SP I doubtless would have come to the conclusion that the best BF had to offer was a completely aimless, fanwank-extravaganza runaround stuffed full of cliches until it burst.

This isn't to say that SP sucks. Well, it's to say that it does compared to, say, Jubilee or Loups-Garoux. But the fact that it is so frequently touted as the absolute best BF, when it so patently isn't, really galls. First, allow me to theorise why it is seen as the best..

a) Written by Marc Platt. Although Ghost Light left most of fandom scratching their heads (save from the egotistical posers who love nothing more than bragging about the fact that they understood every single line of dialogue and its place in the mis-en-scene on first viewing even though it was a scratchy print translated into Suwahili) Platt has since established a reputation as one of the many messiahs of expanded-universe Who in novels I haven't read because they sell on eBay for amounts I wouldn't spend on a car.

b) It has the Cybermen in it. You may think that this mightn't count for that much, but when you read carefully through the script of The Tenth Planet and note that approximately 1.5 interesting things happen throughout the entire 100 minute running time you can appreciate the incredible effect the Silver Ones have on their fan base.

c) Wraps up continuity. The story does exactly what Kit Pedler and Gerry Davis simply couldn't be arsed to do (probably due to the Valium) along with all the other Cyber-story writers (because nobody working on the show ever gave a flying fuck about continuity) and actually explain all that shit in The Tenth Planet that makes absolutely no sense. Which no story save Attack even acknowledged (And even that was with Colin mumbling "Gigantic motor on the outside of the planet - what the fuck was up with that?")

d) The cast. But then it's pretty much impossible for BF to get a dud cast into their stories so this isn't particularly relevant.

So, why has SP failed to have me fall head-over-heels in love with it?

FIRST OFFENSE - Plot lingering without intent

The story goes nowhere for the first couple of episodes. As someone who sat through the soul-crushing depression of the Saward era, I can take it when the Doctor does Sweet FA. That's fine - just cut to characters who are doing something. Let's not follow the Doctor around as he walks listlessly through a near empty city in search of something of vague interest.

See, unlike Genesis, the Doctor ain't on no mission. He just pilots the TARDIS like a bitch and arrived on Mondas by mistake. He recognises it as Mondas pretty much instantly, and yet doesn't seem to care, walking around mumbling to himself and tells Nyssa to go wandering off on her own as well. Wtf mate? When it's confirmed that this is Mondas (PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS!) the Doctor decides he should probably leave, gets stopped by a couple of cops, changes his mind, wanders around...

Okay, I'll cut to the chase - there's no conflict. The Doctor doesn't want to stop the Cybermen from being created as that would change history. The Cybermen don't want to kill him because they have no idea who he is - the system in control of the Cybermen decides he looks dodgy and thinks killing him could be a good idea, but picks the Cyber equivalent of Sgt Schultz for the job. Nothing comes of this.

And then, near the end of the story BOOM! The Doctor decides HE WILL stop the Cybermen from existing. This is especially odd when he does so at a time when the Cybermen seem more inevitable...

SECOND OFFENSE - Defamation of a well-recognised public individual

Of course in doing so the Doctor creates the Cybermen in his own image. When hasn't that idea been used in a time-travel story? Reminds me of on OG when some guy posted some fic about the 7th Doctor being Jack the Ripper. He got the internet equivalent of hurled feces in response and everyone pointed out that as ideas go it's as derivative as its possible to get without throwing in dinosaurs cloned from fossilised mosquitoes. And yet here's Marc Platt doing exactly the same thing, just with 'Cybermen' replacing 'Jack the Ripper'.

This plot point wouldn't smart as much if it went anywhere. But - big surprise - it doesn't. The Doctor is aggrieved, but gets over it, and Nyssa uses it to make the standard ultra-shitty last minute joke at the close of the story. SIGH.

THIRD OFFENSE - Public Indeceny (Being in the form of suspect shoving head up its own anus)

Okay, everyone knows that 'Cybermen are allergic to gold', right? Or, rather, that gold blocks up their respiratory systems causing them to choke? Good. It's pretty simple. A large part of fandom insists that this makes no sense at all. They are complete wankers, as it does make sense. If the Cybermen still contain living organs (as we all say they do) it stands to reason that they can't stay alive without oxygen - it doesn't mean they have to 'breathe' as such by they need to ventilate for that oxgyen or they will die. Obviously they would avoid using any large, obvious means of ventilation because they would present an immediate target - the downside to this would be that the respiratory system could be blocked. They would test - by it seems likely that they would neglect to test against a metal like gold, that is exceptionally rare. Gold also has unusual properties for a metal, which also makes it a good idea.

Most sensible people do take umbrage with the whole gold thing, though, not because of the idea but because of the 'silver bullet' effect from such a weakness, which makes them look pisspoor when it's recently been revealed that a Dalek can survive being buggered by Chuck Norris, set on fire and thrown off a cliff without even a scratch on its casing. To be fair, the 'silver bullet' effect didn't really exist until Silver Nemesis, a Nevil Fountain penned Who parody that somehow got broadcast as a canonical episode of the show during a particularly hardcore Ian Levine pool party. Prior to that Cybermen were only defeated by gold dust pressed into the respiratory vents, rather than being within 5 metres of an ounce of gold at any time.

Marc Platt, decides that he'll aim to please this people... by pretending the gold allergy never existed.

It is the most embarassing moment of the release. Maybe its meant to be ironic subtext but it is so ham-fisted, when Davison shoves a heap of gold into a Cybermen and says "Well?! Aren't you going to choke and fall over?!" Oh, yes. Very subtle. It would have been easier to go the route of Steve Lyons and his jaw-droppingly good novel Killing Ground and just not have gold on the fucking planet. Do I have to explain everything, Platt?!

The problem is this: if Cybermen were created without the weakness, why do they have it two hundred years later? This leaves us with the absolutely ridiculous idea that they programmed a lethal weakness into their own bodies. Platt blindsided me though when he revealed... that they did. It was the only logical explanation but I still wasn't expecting it because, let's face it, it's beyond retarded. But no, the Doctor gets the communists who make the Cybermen pissed out of their brains and they evidently decide to make themselves fatally allergic to gold.

This explanation is beyond 'sucks' when it's only necessary due to Platt re-writing Cyber-lore for a crap throw-away gag, but I'd like to add I don't quite buy it. I've been drunk. Very drunk. And although I recited a monologue filled with September 11 references and the phrase "There were fucking muslims for fuck's sake!", something I was later informed was something of an embarassment, but at no point did I decide, say, to put a power-drill to my skull for a laugh. I had drunk a six-pack of Woodstock bourbon, two stubbies of VB, a Mudslide, a tin of ...something and a couple of mouthfuls of Midori. The Cyber-making Communists, on the other hand, had two bottles of wine between eight of them. You do the math.


The one sequence that absolutely everyone listening to this audio (even those one or two that didn't like it as a whole) is a scene where the partially-converted Hartman daughter returns home, starts crying, and is shown the Christmas tree by her dad to comfort her. It is absolutely heart-breaking to listen to, and it did indeed make me cry, capturing the tragedy of the Cybermen perfectly. However, Platt clearly worked harder on this one scene than anything in the plot, hoping he could get away with a shoddily-plotted adventure by making everyone feel sad inside for five minutes.

And you know what? HE WAS RIGHT! YOU'RE ALL SHEEP! See you at the abbatoir, arseholes.

FIFTH OFFENSE - Mis-Information

This story ends with the absolute worst twist ending ever. Yes the twists that... THE CYBERMEN TAKE OVER MONDAS.

If you are scratching your heads saying "But EVERYONE knows the Cybermen rule Mondas", good. You got the point. The thing is, though, that everyone who listened to this audio seemingly didn't even realise that there was meant to be a twist, given the obvious nature of it. But there clearly was because, incredibly, the Doctor decides to suddenly pull his finger out in the last episode and destroy the Cybermen and... does exactly that.

But as soon as he leaves, the Cybermen scream "HAHA! FOOLED YOU, CRICKET BOY!" and convert everyone.


My trusty confidante has since explained that the idea was that Zagreus's leaking anti-time meant that this could have been a diverging reality due to the infection of anti-time. That is an awesome idea. Which begs the question of just why the hell they did nothing with it.

So, that's my view of Spare Parts. In terms of quality, I'd say it's probably about even with the best efforts of BBC7's current series (Immortal Beloved and Blood of the Daleks) and... well, not as good as most of the old-skool BF releases I've heard. Though obviously nowhere near as bad as The Next Life. Though, unless they release a CD composed entirely of Nick Briggs' flactulence, that should hold the title of "Worst Ever Story" for centuries to come, so no particular flattery.


A key part of being a Doctor Who fan is, and always has been, thinking you could write the show entirely on your own, contrary to asbolutely all available evidence. As a result, the bulk of fans that were active during The Cancellation had their own ideas for a Season 27. Most would be nowhere near as shithouse as mine.

The Doctor: Me. In a cloak, boater hat, American college-style waistcoat, glasses, slip-on shoes and wig. Yes, this is the bit where you get worried. I'm hoping that casting oneself a common theme among plots from young DW fans who have performed in some sort of amateur theatrical capacity and that I don't suffer from a particularly egotistical strain of Asperger's Syndrome. And, yes, the worst idea for a costume ever. Why the wig you say? Why indeed...

The Doctor would be bookish, fond of language, prone to mood swings, and very, very fond of disguises/feints/playing dumb. He would either treat his companions as his best friends or ignore them entirely, depending on which day of the week it was. Mostly just me living out my fantasy, though.

The Companions: Todd, a somewhat introverted and impoverished Pakistani Londoner sci-fi/fantasy geek... you know what I'm going to say next, don't you? Yes, who 'nevertheless, has inner courage and an important destiny!'. Okay, at this point you could accuse me of creating a complete Mary-Sue to present nerds in a fashionable (and PC!) light and having a companion that the type of people sci-fi fans would identify with and nobody else. Fair enough, but he's just one of the two companions! The other was -

Chula. An alien princess of the Leela variety, not necessarily over-endowed with clothing.... Damnit.

The Budget: Eight billion squid.

The Season: 40 episodes. 25 minutes. I'm a fan of Troughton.

Continuity: I can't recall ever giving thought as to whether it would fit with the Books (this was before I heard the audios)... I'm guessing the answer was 'nah' because I like Time Lords. No PMG regen, though. I think that's the only thing that an insane 14-year-old and RTD agreed upon. Looking back, though, there wasn't much continuity at all in the stories save for The Master appearing... too many times.

Guest Stars: Erm..let's see... David Wenham as The Master. John Rhys-Davies as the Good Caveman. Udo Kier and some other famous villain actor as the Vampire Lords.

The Stories: This is the really embarassing bit.

Apogee (4 episodes) Obviously the best way to introduce DW to a new generation is to do so with the most confusing, multi-time sprawling story ever. Erm... I'm having trouble explaining this. The Doctor and Chula are tracking down some alien time travellers (we don't know who they are or what they're doing at the start), find Todd who gets attacked by his best friend turning into a werewolf. They save him... go to Victorian England for some reason. Werewolf stuff. The story ends in the moon, where it turns out a heap of... white, reptilian midget aliens... have travelled back through time to... try and kill Todd so his grandson doesn't defeat them in Earth's first planetary war...using werewolves...

This made so much sense a few years back. I never wrote a script, though, so the answer to the question "What the fuck was I thinking" shall forever remain shrouded in mystery. At the end of the narrative mess, however, Todd joins the somewhat unwelcoming TARDIS crew, maybe for his own protection...

Crystalline (4 episodes) After a completely unnecessary stop off in a Neu Kyoto Hotel (I loved putting 'Neu Kyoto' into stories back then) the Doctor announces that the TARDIS will be performing Chula's sacred pilgrimmage to the Crystal Planet of some name. Soon after their arrival at the planet, where the Crystals are said to have healing powers, the Evil Overlord of some aliens, now aged 130 and on death's door, arrives to use them, effectively taking over the planet. Efforts to boost the Crystal's powers with alien-electrolysis backfire violently, and the mind of The Overlord now CONTROLS THE CAVES... somehow. Much runaround shennanigans ensue.

The Silent Invasion (6 episodes) Man, these things are painful for me to write, they really are.

Anyway, this story re-introduces UNIT with their new British C.O, ex-Commodore Stanley Baker (In an effort to reproduce the punchiness of 'The Brigadier' with 'The Commodore') running tests on an unmanned jet-plane. As you would expect, the Doctor lands in the middle of the jet during its flight, chats to the test-crash dummies in their seats, that kind of thing. However, shock horror! The TARDIS can't take off again, and the jet's flight-computer is failing. The Doctor decides that there's nothing for it but to dismantle the entire computerised system and land the plane - his WAY! As soon as he lands they're all arrested by UNIT on terrorism suspicions and, of course, the episode gets taken over with 'can we trust him' malarkey and the plot goes nowhere until Part 2.

After that, though, I'm not sure where exactly the plot goes: people from comas are brainwashed in hospitals by shadowy humans working for aliens, they wake up and start generally causing chaos (this subplot is the catalyst for a motorcycle chase scene), electronical systems around the world go on the blink, hackers get involved somehow, but eventually the Doctor traces all the weirdness to Chernobyl where there's scenes involving giant rats. It's something about the pure energy aliens, though. Nothing too mind blowing.

The Golems (4 episodes) Ugh. Medieval alien society where the law is enforced by Golems (actually robots) controlled by priests. Generic piece of crap. In my bizarre tendency to work out unrealistically expensive action setpieces and little else, this story would feature a minecart chase.

The Neanderthal Conspiracy (6 episodes) Based on the rejected Troughton story. Just with the Master in it.

The Rosecrutians (4 episodes) Yes, there were TWO stories based on rejected Troughton scripts. In a row. I realise this.

The Zombies of Panama (4 episodes) The TARDIS lands in Panama the building of The Canal - and, predictably, there are strange stories going around. Investigating stories about a Voodoo Witch-Doctor, they find, of course, it's the Master. Once again, trying to harvest an army, by re-animating the bodies of those who died from Yellow Fever. Either because Todd is a dick or because he is brain-washed (I think the latter), he sides with the Master in planning an assault on the fledgling Panama City. It becomes clear that all he wants is to hurt the Doctor, rather than the townsfolk, and this raises the question of whether the Doctor has the right to fight back, etc. The Doctor, though, recognizes the challenge and rises to it, staging a defense in a massive Zombie-Human battle. The Doctor wins the fight, but at cost, and soon realises that either history has changed through the Master's callousness or this isn't really Earth, when George Washington Goethals, who would ultimately be credited with the Canal's success, is killed in the battle. He decides he is through playing games and confronts the Master direclty, and this somehow leads to a Reichenbach Falls style fight scene , again continuing the theme of impractical and incongruous action sequences. The Master dies. He doesn't regenerate, he just dies... I don't know how far I thought into that one.

The Dance of Death (8 episodes) Yeah, you read right. Eight episodes. I was MAD, haven't you picked that up yet?!

The first two would essentially be a complete rip-off of that one Steve Lyons' short-trip where Davison and Nyssa go to a haunted house where people are getting killed one-by-one, with very few changes to the plot until the cliffhanger to Episode 2 when Mysterious Figures show up, cause a chandelier to fall on the Doctor and kill him.

Todd and Chula are stunned, failing to believe the Doctor could truly be dead, and follow the Mysterious Figures into 'The Ethereal Realm', where they find the Doctor and others who died in the haunted house clothed in white robes in a bright, white marble palace. They say their farewells, believing this truly is the afterlife, but the Doctor is sceptical - in particular he notes that the 'cordial' they are given regularly is almost nothing but liquidized Vitamin-D, something they logically wouldn't need given the bright sunlight constantly in evidence. This leads to the next shock reveal - the 'afterlife' is ruled by VAMPIRES!

The Doctor tries to escape, but finds it is physically impossible to leave the Realm, whilst Todd and Chula are finding it harder to stay. The sordid events all become clear - The Vampires haven't 'killed' people, but created tangent realities to convince them that they are dead. Once the humans are in the Ethereal Realm they are nothing but life-force personified, and the Vampires subsequently gain more strength from them than an entire human body's worth of blood. The Vampires have been planning this in secret in a dead planet in a parallel universe for centuries, and now have enough strength to begin THEIR INVASION OF GALLIFREY!!!
The Master is one of the enslaved - the Panama events nothing but a tangent reality - but has ingratiated himself with the Vampire Lords due to his schemes for ruling the Universe. Only the Master realises the full strength of the Doctor's Gallifreyan life-force, and so forms a tryst with Hot Vampire Queen, ensuring that she will get the full power of the Doctor's force if she goes through with his plan. While the Queen seduces the Doctor in disguise, the Master sets about killing Vampire Lord #2. Soon they have the Doctor in their grasp (after a scene involving a tango and stun-gun) and he receives a complete Vampiric Blood Transfusion thanks to the dead Lord. The Master and his new other half flee, while the DOCTOR IS A VAMPIRE!

Todd and Chula try to rescue him, but the Doctor can barely stop himself from killing them both - they need to win this fight on their own.

And they do. Somehow. I never actually had the climax worked out for that one. Still, I think it's the only plot for the season I came up witht that actually had any sort of vague potential.

LOOKING BACK: The most completely embarassing hodge-podge of sci-fi cliches and all-round bad ideas. Rampant ego tripping is involved in most of the stories, and the companions are side-lined in the general plots so that you may have noticed they barely get mentioned. Only geeks of my magnitude would ever have watched it, and probably then denied ever having done so. I am completely bewildered by the fact that neither Daleks nor Cybermen, just about the only thing save 'scarf' that the general public knows about DW, where entirely non-present, my adolescent self clearly so smugly wrapped up in my 'original' creations. (I did think up a Dalek story at one point, though, called The Exile of the Daleks that, no doubt, would have annoyed people) It's good though, that I made all this crap up in my mind and subsequently saw the New Series, so I could compare the two and realise what Television is meant to actually do.

It also gives me a good reference when RTD does something that I don't quite like. I can look back and say "Well, at least he didn't [....]" and have a good point.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Sparacus Quote-Dump

aka. The Easiest Update I've ever made

You go on OG, you're bound to see at least one Spara quote in a signature. But, to my knowledge, they've never been catalogued. Obviously I haven't trawled through every post our favourite [arguably fictitious] delusional fanfic author and 'Whovianologist' has made, as that would take months and all that reamins of my 'life'. But I have a tendency, when I see a corker, to Ctrl+V it into a txt file.

Here is the bounty:

On Adam Rickitt

"To imagine the world without Adam Rickitt is to imagine a bleak, endless desert devoid of all life , water or air and where the sun never rises"

On Proper Behaviour

"The celts knew that the best way to protect yourself from evil spirits is to mimic them by playing tricks. So get out there and egg some windows! [...] It is not anti-social or lower class to play tricks on Halloween. It shows an understanding of celtic mythology."

"[...] the BBC are being ridiculous about this. It's much more wholesome to look at a well-formed arse than to watch gangsters on Eastenders"

"That only serves to demean yourself and make you seem 'council'."

"I didn't mean to inspire you to snort coke. I apologise. "

On Himself

"Of course I have heard of the living legend Andrew Pixley. I was reading his HUGE mind-bogglingly detailed viewing notes from the new 'The Prisoner' boxset only yesterday. I'd choose him to write my biography."

"I am not an egotistical tosspot. I don't sit here thinking I'm King of the World."

"I am not involved with any organised religion. I am however about to read 'The Da Vinci Code'"

"I cannot help the fact that I'm intelligent as I have said before. Its almost as if the fact that I have a high IQ is something to be ashamed of. "

"I post here for other peoples' benefit not for my own. "

"I take pride in my work. However this does not mean that I am Jordan's bouncing breasts, ripe for squeezing. "

"I'd just like to remind posters that its my BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!!!!!"

"I am not David Bowie although I have ridden in a white stretch limo. I am not without money."

"Oh - there are a lot of responses which I wish to answer however I'm too tired tonight as I've had a fair amount of port. Will reply tomorrow."

"I have never wanted to insert a vinyl copy of a David Bowie album up my rectum. Such an activity would be impossible to achieve given the dimensions of vinyl LPs."

"I am not friends with Paul McGann although he's welcome to come round for a Christmas sherry & a bit of pork pie if he wants - then we could watch my DVD set of 'The Prisoner'."

"You can only inspire imagination in those who have one, such as myself."

"I don't dance naked down Colchester High Street singing 'Material Girl' while sipping a glass of champagne through a straw."

"I am not at all snobbish - indeed I cannot abide snobbery - the unjustified putting on of airs by those people who are no better than anyone else. It simply makes life more difficult for those of us who are."

"Steady on. I do not hold Nazi beliefs."

"I'm not just some random fan. [...] I am a prolific writer of Doctor Who fiction and I think I have an incisive understanding of the essence of the show."

"Its hard to be humble when you're me. However I will try."

On 'Whovianology'

"I have considered writing an academic textbook on the programme, however I haven't the time."

On The New Series

"That is basically what I'm trying to say - I'd rather have no Dr Who than bad Dr Who... "

"And nobody on here had the courtesy to say afterwards 'you were right all along about its over-fast pace & silly humour'."

"Where can I go to pick up my Mickey like 'bit of rough'?"

On Humanity

"Look if you give most UK people what they want as entertainment they'd demand a public execution of a paedophile every week (by slow torture) followed by a film of Wayne Rooney & his girlfriend having it off if full lurid detail."

"Children love anything to do with Black Magic. Hence Harry Potter's success."

On Big Finish

"The above comments are rather myopic. Big Finish produce many audio CDs of variable quality and so the chance of snapping up a whole season of good quality adventures must surely appeal. They must be looking to going into a new series range. I'd love to actually star in them , possibly doing the voice for the monk/Poole."

On David Bowie

"Bowie has not to my knowledge had plastic surgery"

"I think [David Bowie would appear in Revenge of the Sith] since it was a serious film. He'd have been fine as Palpatine"

"I can see the point you are making - Bowie is not in the same league as Olivier , although I've never rated Marlon Brando as an actor given his embarassing performance in films like 'Mutiny on the Bounty' and the overrated nature of 'The Godfather' (stick some cotton wool in your gob & do a cod-Italian accent)"

"There is nothing pornographic about a thread concerning David Bowie as actor."

"Bowie would never agree to play "a violent obese lesbian who eats her own faeces". The part wouldn't suit him."

On The Wonders of The Human Body

"Its vital to get your hands on meaty parts. [NB: Taken completely out of context] "

"I fail to see why large sweaty and plum-like testicles are relevent to this debate"

"That arse is a tad too floppy for my liking."

On Food

"Beans are better than dogs, as far as eating is concerned. I wouldn't fancy eating dogs. The police raided a Colchester Chinese takeaway for doing that."

On Russell T. Davies

"I've had a busy few days. I had to go to Cardiff on business. No time to check out the Doctor Who sites. I didn't see RTD, although I looked for him in the street. [...] I wasn't going to shoot him, I wanted to ask him out for a drink to talk about the show."

"I found a really nice bar opposite the Millenium Stadium that I was going to invite RTD to. Really nice food and salad bowls. Still, I can always return there for a weekend break."

God, that turned out longer than I expected!