Lawrence Miles is closing his blog, of which I only became aware the other day by chance. For one thing, it gives me comfort that there are blogs worse looking and less navigible than mine, but on the other hand it makes me a little sad, because it deprives of Larry's wonderfully endearing raging against various machines. Of course, as he says, it's all there at the moment (in one holy text-sized lump of writing) so feel free to copy the best bits.
Yesterday, though, I just didn't have time to actually look for 'the best bits' - it quickly became apparent that his best bits really are hilarious. A list of positive things to say about Torchwood "if you have to talk to someone who works on the show" is actually bound to be of use when talking to my mate who's a fan. (Though judging from the ratings figures it won't be needed by most people in this country - Hey-OHH!) The problem is that within the page (singular) of The Beasthouse, the resultant madcap souffle is about 50/50 comedic brilliance, and the trademark Larry rant.
I gather from the huge responses that it has gotten in various forms (the most recognisable of which being his response to The Ancestor Cell and his now-permanently-deleted review of The Unquiet Dead) that Larry's Rant can actually be quite popular, though, and if he is to give up posting online some folk may well want the Rant to live on. The great news is, that it's very very easy. Just follow this formula:
[*Non-Sequitur/Pithy Pun/Direct Insult to Reader and-or Rival Author*]
You know what I can't stand? [*Topic selected at random*]. Not to say [*One definition of topic*] but rather [*The most obscure alternative definition*]. It's just that [*Putdown half-heartedly disguised as criticism*]. The problem with it, of course, is [*opinion formed while shaving this morning presented as irrefutable fact*]. And it's been this way since [*Something the reader has never heard of*]. [*Derogatory put-down*]
The thing that really irritates me, though, is that the answer is so bleeding obvious. Rather than taking [*Author with whom you have established rivalry*]'s lead, which would be to [*Verb your lawyers would advise you not to put here*] before [*Something insignificant yet slightly galling said author did once*] - this isn't [*Big Finish/ BBC Worldwide/ BBC Wales*]. No. The answer is to [*Completely incomprehensible series of verbs and impreatives and abstract concepts / Something utterly impossible, described in great depth / Pedantic and lengthy deconstruction of topic which amounts to 'do it my way'*].
I know doubtless [*ANOTHER author with whom you have an established rivalry*] would say [*Something s/he would never say*] at this point, but [*Curt put-down*]. It's that same type of attitude that lead to [*The Holocaust / 911 / Dimensions in Time / Comparable disaster*].
And before you jump up and down shouting [*Thing nobody would ever say*] I want to make it clear that [*Reeeally uncomfortably long and over-zealous dissertation on the fact that you really DON'T want to write for the New Series and it would be a massive strain to be even less jealous of those people who ARE right now - ideally a thousand words or so*]
Now, remember that you can't post this online unless there is no way for people to respond to it on the actual thread, so that there will have to be a mini-furor on OG if you offend anybody somehow. If there is any kind of negative reaction, delete it immediately and never look back.
Though, for what it's worth I totally agree with him that the whole thing about The Enemy being single-celled organisms inside the Klein Bottle made absolutely no sense.