Saturday, February 10, 2007

I Stand a Man Accused... by the Ghost of Kerry Packer

Damn, I'm used to the guy posting snippets of the news. But now I am making it.

Minutes after word of the death of stripper-turned-celebrity Anna Nicole Smith, the blogosphere began the autopsy of a life lived in the headlines, and the verdict wasn't at all pretty.

You're telling me. I wrote that thing up in five minutes. No time for proper grammar checks, spelling, punctuation. A wing and a prayer, man.

From different corners of the Internet, commentators who once considered Smith worthy only of off-color jokes purported to seek out the deeper cultural meanings of her death.

Yep. It was a very, very deep analysis.

Instead many observers revelled in jokes about the size of the former Playboy model's breasts or the extent of her drug problems -

Except me. I've got more class than that. Besides, any jokes I cracked about her tits I'd have already used on Nicola Bryant.

topics thought to be fair game in the world of celebrity gossip.

Want a hand down from that high-horse, bitch?

Blog search site showed mentions of Anna Nicole Smith spiked fivefold. Still, at little over 44,000 mentions, Smith measures only one-tenth the blog star power of pop music sensation Britney Spears.

Typo. You left off "'s vagina".

The occasion allowed for the pseudonymous savagery that passes for informed commentary on the Web.

Hey, hey! I told you, get the fuck off your high-horse! "Pseudonymous"? You see the name on my blog? "Jared Hansen". Believe it or not, that wacky, wild name is the one I was christened with. Well, not that I was christened but it's on my birth certificate. And 'informed commentary'? I never adopt those august airs.

I think 'savagery' speaks for itself. I learnt how to write objective English in Year 10. BACK TO SCHOOL, FOOL!

Such cruelty-

Hey, hold up article-boy I'm not done with that last quote!


Yeah, so you should be.

The occasion allowed for the pseudonymous savagery that passes for informed commentary on the Web.

So, people who write 'pseudonymously' shouldn't be allowed to attempt 'informed commentary'?

How would you describe your website? Is that article informed commentary? Because the funny thing is, I don't see any writer's name on it. I'll take pseudonmous over anonymous any day.

"Such cruelty contrasted with the tone of respectful shock used in blanket coverage of her death on cable television."

Wow. People who wouldn't lose their jobs over it weren't being respectful. When has any death not been treated with 'respectful shock' by people in TV? You couldn't even say that about Saddam Hussein's.

And, hey, an article on ninemsn, owned by a certain Packer family, talking up TV coverage. Who'd have thunk it?

", a celebrity site that shot to fame with revelations about actor Mel Gibson, bemoaned how Smith's last movie, Illegal Aliens, set to be released in April, may now be in doubt. AOL, the parent company of the celebrity dirt-digging site, was quick to provide a trailer of the film. "

Aww, so there was a happy ending after all.

And next time you wanna pick a fight with me, ninemsn, do it to my fucking face.

(But, y'know, keep posting up articles so I get easy blog fodder.)


Youth of Australia said...

You think YOU'VE got it bad?

The Ghost of Kerry Packer blanks me in polite society! Yeah, beat that!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hmmm.... welll... no I can't. You win.


Youth of Australia said...

(derranged Irish laughter)