Monday, February 26, 2007

FLIBBERTIGIBBET: A Ben Chatham Adventure

To keep my blog ticking over, and also to maintain a piece of writing that I probably put too much effort into, here I post my 'original' Ben Chatham story, which I feel will serve as a nice companion piece to the perplexingly never-ending BC adventures on Spara's blog.

Should be some fresher material coming soon. But 'soon' is, of course, a relative term...


by Jared Hansen

A young hoodlum runs through the streets, graffitiing the headquarters of the archaeologists trust and yelling abuse at the inaugural gathering of the Naff Music Society - the David Bowie branch. As police hunt him down they are startled to catch his face in their torchlight - it's none other than Ben Chatham! Surely he wouldn't be conducting any such Chav-like activities?

The investigation goes to Torchwood, who look further into the matter - signs are looking bad for Ben Chatham - his mobile hasn't been checked for 3 days and the national alcohol sales have dropped by a full percent. Jack reaches the conclusion that some sort of doppleganger has replaced Chatham and is trying to dishonour him to sabotage his destiny as Saviour of the Earth and All-Round Jolly Good Fellow as detailed in the prophecies of Absinthus the Wise. As such, he decides it's time to go renegade, with the help of his friends Jamie McCrimmon and Adam, who's still living a happy and completely anachronistic life as an eco-warrior.

Adam uses his chip to interface with spy satellites and CCTV, and as the data is processed by Jack it becomes apparent that the crimes cannot possibly be accomplished by one man alone - there is more than one Ben Chatham on the run. But where are they coming from? Jack reaches the conclusion that it can only be accomplished by an instant matter transferral - like the one Torchwood failed to intercept. Some quick UNIT-hacking reveals that their officer nearest the scene was one Lt. Colonel Donald Grierson - a completely fake identity. Getting sick of all this hacking, the lads decide to get into action - and take their shirts of, for nebulous reasons.

As soon as they step out the door a frantic young woman (played by Dawn from The Office) is ran over in front of them repeatedly. Jack gets Jamie to help her as he doesn't want any blood on his smooth chest. Jamie hears her dying words - curiously she tells them that the man they're looking for is in Brixton. When Adam looks at her wallet (for 'research purposes') he notes her name was Apathetic MacGuffin.

Jack steals a car for unexplained reasons, and the three of them cruise into Brixton whilst listening to the entirety of Bowie's Low Album and drinking cogniac-vodka cocktails. They end up so pissed that they crash straight into a pet shop - running over the young, attractive and very female shop assisstant - which they conclude must be the villains lair. Jack fires wildly around with his laser and kills several small animals, whilst the other two crash open doors trying to find the villain... unfortunately it turns out they've arrived in Manchester.

After three more tries they arrive in Brixton - where they find an entire squadron of bogus UNIT soldiers waiting for them - who ALL LOOK LIKE BEN CHATHAM. Jack tries to blast them away with his laser, but he's run out of ammo and/or it's somehow been damaged by being constantly inserted into his copious anal cavity. As such, they are captured and lead to "Donald Grierson" who is, in fact, ALISTAIR MILES... the badguy from "Crimebuster". Jack demands to now how he survived his gruesome death. Miles calmly explains that Ben was too pre-occupied with personal affairs to even be present in a death scene of his, so canonically there's no reason to assume he's dead or has even stopped commiting crimes. It's also revealed that Apathetic MacGuffin is alive and was a plant to lead them into Miles' trap... he shoots her in the head, since he "doesn't need her anymore".

Miles decides that he will calmly explain his plan to the lads... while they are forced to wear leather S & M gear in a pit slowly filling with melted butter. Nobody questions this. Miles explains that since his CrimeRobots were defeated by Chatham he concluded that Chatham must be the superior life-form. He decided tp create clones of him instead, using the large amounts of DNA he left behind in the wine cellar. He then had to reverse the personality programming, to turn the Chathams into true Chavs, willing to commit petty crime to fill their addiction to pop music. Jack demands to know what he did to the real Ben. Miles replies, slightly confused, that he hasn't done anything to him - seeing as his plan could only be benefited by the genuine Chatham being present to be arrested.

It's at this point a pool-cue weilding maniac enters, fighting off the Ben-UNIT soldiers with maximum efficiency and incredible finesse - "Oh shit!" says Miles "This fellow looks like a REAL hero!"

The new, mysterious stranger who has burst onto the scene, is nearly over-powered by the Chatham clones. However, thanks to having a brain larger than a walnut, screams out "CHARLES DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" This causes every single Chatham clone to break down and cry - all their reprogramming undone in a second. Miles jumps up to strangle the maniac, but he soon finds a rusty screwdriver jutting through his neck, and a couple of bucketfuls of his blood on the floor.

"Can't be leaving all these clones around!" says the newcomer, before fiddling around with the computer "Coolant programs are gone. You can expect a bit of a bang - and I'm not talking about your plans for the immediate future, joy boys. You might want to get out of your sticky situ, mates."

Heroically, he uses his jacket as a makeshift rope, and pulls them up with Herculean strength. The four of them run out of the room as it explodes around them in spectacular pyrotechnics. All of them end up sprawled by the side of the road. Jack, stunned by this display of genuine heroics, demands to know the stranger's name.

"Wallace," he says with a simple grin "Tom Wallace. Stay loose, Jack - but from what I hear that shouldn't be a problem for you, eh?"

And just like that, he was gone.

After drinking themselves near to death in celebration and shagging each other senseless, Jack and co. actually go to Ben's flat to investigate. They find he overdosed on absinthe and collapsed, causing a bookshelf to fall on top of him. Inspite of his constant harassment of Operation Delta to free him, and even more perpetual harassment of Charles, nothing has been done and he is now in danger of drowning in his own urine. Jack and co. free him, and Jack informs him that, thanks to being such a shallow, obsessive and socially inadequat loser, Ben's clones were easy to defeat. In other words Ben's virulent personality saved the day by its very existence. All three of them sing "For he's a jolly good fellow" in a remix by DJ Shadow and Fat Boy Slim.


Youth of Australia said...


Well, there goes my routine 'rip the shit out of Ben Chatham adventures'... though frankly I would have had to repost Spara's own "holiday" specials with no changes whatsoever in order to mock them.

Put it on his blog. Go on, I dares ya!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Put it on his blog. Go on, I dares ya!

I've been thinking of linking to it, but I wouldn't post the whole thing. It would disrupt the flow of massive put-downs flowing in The Emperor's direction.

Btw, MLock is still being a pain in the arse in the OG Spara threads. He really does ruin the fun!

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I'd ask you to relate some comments from me, but he'd just get the mods to ban you.

Maybe you can convince the mods that Mlock is really ME and get HIM banned?

Well, you'd know if anyone would...

PS - critiqued his last story.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

PS - critiqued his last story.

I know - and linked to it on OG. Which provoked a response from The Lock himself, saying:

"Seriously though. If he makes YOA so seemingly incandescant with rage (not everday you get to type that) to the point where he sounds as barking as Sparacus does (as a wind up) maybe he should really, really try to avoid his blog.

And I'm not trying to take the piss here in case it sounds like it. I'm worried YOA will be found slumped over his keyboard having had his life blood spurt out of his ears and a Sparacus story on his monitor!"

Because, of course, the annoying thing about The Lock is that he is taking the piss with his sycophantic - he's just very tiresome and not at all funny.

Youth of Australia said...

I hope you pointed that out.

Hell, Harvest of Evil is the best thing Spara's done since Child of Destruction. I certainly wasn't as fussed as the end (or duration) of Stangeness.

And I love how much he cares about my health... after getting Miles and me chucked from OG.

Maybe you should point that out too.