I am somewhat behind, well, absolutely every Doctor Who fan in the world here. Actually, no I take that back. Every Doctor Who fan barring Sparacus and Gabriel Chase (It should tell you everything you need to know about Mr. Chase that, in trying to find his site, I first went to google and searched for "Christopher Ecclestone not canon". `Nuff said)
But, yes, I have finally discovered Big Finish. You know, those CDs with brand-spanking new adventures on them that everyone buys and raves about online. Erm, apart from the ones that come from ideas Gary Russell has.
It came recently when I happened to frequent a DOCTOR WHO CONVENTION. Solely with the purpose of trashing people's enjoyment of The Sarah Jane Adventures by loudly saying "Oh, there's a really crap bit coming up!", "Oh, yeah, there's a photo of the Brig to try and make us think this shite is canon!", "Where the fuck's K9?!", and, most uproariously of all, "She may be only ten or eleven or something, but she's well fit. I would." Mission accomplished, I mingled with the crowd, aiming to piss off as many people as I could. For the record: 42.
Anyway, I met up with Ewen. My mate who also runs a blog here and is, interestingly, the only boke who posts comments on this site with the exception of a bloke I know on one ocassion and a really low-grade spambot. So if you're reading this you probably know who he is or, more likely, are actually him.
...sorry, I just detoured myself into trying to remember why I write this stuff. Onwards with the unnecessarily long and detailed narrative!
So, I meet Ewen, we talk, and, for some reason, he engages in unthinkable amounts of generosity, and says that if I don't let him pay for my stuff he will force me to get a haircut. Naturally I had no choice but to obey. The question of which DVD to get was fairly simple - there was one story I really, really, really, really liked, and two dozen I didn't - but the audios?
Well, Ewen was insistent on buying me something called Zagreus. I still have no idea why. Apparently it features all four still-alive-and-not-drunk-24/7 Doctors, the Brig, basically every companion, and, I'm guessing, Nicholas Briggs, yet still manages to piss people off en masse by being set in a fantasy land that makes absolutely no sense and deliberately setting out to flaunt every convention the show ever had. And being real long. It sounded interesting, but IT HAD SOLD OUT. All one copies of it.
So I had to get another. Damned hard work. I tried to ascertain the quality of the stories based entirely on the size and colour of the font on their sleeves and, later, by the lyricism of the words used in the title. After 15 minutes it was enquired if I was ever going to fucking buy something.
I actually asked the vendor for his opinion, demanding he give me a brilliant Colin Baker one, as Colin is cool. He gave me the Davison story Spare Parts whereupon he immediately felt my wrath. I asked him as politely as I could manage to unhand my wrath or I would call the police, and also that I really did want a story starring the fat bloke that nobody likes but me. He then gave me something called The Reaping, picked seemingly at complete random. I asked about the credentials of this particular story, and he explained that it starred Nicola Bryant as Peri, who he "wanted to fuck so hard". This explanation, of course, was enough to persuade me to purchase the CD, so it was perhaps unfortunate that he spent the next hour discussing his masturbational fantasies about the "ultimate DW foursome". Eventually, however, the transaction was made and I found myself one CD and one DVD richer.
A nice trip. It's just a pity I couldn't stick around for when they showed Torchwood. Oh, how I looked forward to seeing the masses stunned faces, the mix of confusion and horror, and talking to the CD bloke about how he "wanted to fuck Gwen so hard". Maybe next time?
So... what did I think of the CD? Wow. It's cool. And I'm saying that after only listening to fifteen minutes of it. Hey, I was tired and, more to the point, there was a black-out. But... god. I didn't know audio stories could be that way. You know? Not crap. My only previous experience being that god-awful radio play the BBC did of Lord of the Rings. Which I remember being something like this:
The dramatic finale
FRODO: Merry, sound your horn! We must rise the Shire.
(FX: The one horn tone used for every horn blown throughout the story. Footsteps.)
QUAINTSY HOBBITS: Ooh-ar, hullo, it's Frodo, etc.
SAM: That's my Gaffer!
GAFFER: Aye, it's Samwise! Where have you been ought an' about to now? I've nought seen you fer a year!
PIPPIN: We've just had the most fantastic adventure!
OLD FEMALE HOBBIT: Oi, is that moi Pippin thar?
SAM: Nevermind where we've been, how have things been here?
GAFFER: Oh, well, the Sackville-Bagginses are up to their old ways and...
(10 minutes of amicable banter later)
RUFFIANS: Oi! You lot. Yeah, you. You little hobbity fellows. We run this place now. You go back to work, you not stand and talk, loike.
MERRY: Are you going to let this cockney-accented oiks tell you what to do, lads?
FOLCO: Erm, well we have been for the past few months.
PIPPIN: Well not any more! Let's have at them.
RUFFIANS: Cor blimey it ain't half hot apple and pears pass the meat pie from the Barney, mate! Bugger this for a game of red hot pokers inserted into body parts.
NARRATOR: By the end of the encounter, many hobbits and ruffians lay dead.
ME: What. The. Fuck?
So, you can imagine how bizarre it was to hear a well-plotted, well-written, and enjoyable story told entirely through sound-waves for me. Even if it was for a few minutes. I only had one disappointment: Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant have gone and AGED. Very indecent of them. Colin's acting is still great but his voice is that bit raspier and breathless. Though, curiously, he sounds exactly the same when he shouts. And Nicci? (Hehe, calling her that makes her feel like my girlfriend :)!!!) Well, she sounds different somehow. I think her voice is even squeakier, though. Or maybe she's started using a proper American accent or something crazy like that.
The highlight for me was the trailer at the start of the CD. It's for some story I've never heard of called Memory Lane but I found it hilarious because it seems to have been made by someone with no understanding of the purpose of trailers. That, you know, they should persuade someone to buy an item rather than run away from it on sight as quickly as possible.
The greatest bit, by far.
PAUL McGANN: What... is the most RUUTHLESS thing... in THE BAKERY?!
DEADPAN GUY: Wha's a bakery?
PAUL McGANN: Atilla THE BUN. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Let's leave it there, shall we?