What's My Age Again?
Well, that was the working title. Mostly because the Blink182 song of the same title seemed the ideal theme song for the irreverant series. The basic idea came from reading through old Goon Show scripts: do the same anarchic madness on radio, but in a modern context for a new generation. Would it have caught on? Probably not. I wanted to record a few episodes, but I didn't finish any scripts. Probably because when I was writing them I kept coming up with sillier ideas for future 'plotlines'. Of course, it's still possible that they could be recorded and released online, as I originally intended.
Anyway, the needlessly large cast of characters:
Adam: My mate Adam, playing himself as a hapless loser, yet also a bit of an egomaniac
as he's "the star" of the show. Is the main character in basically every story - think Harry Seagoon. But victim of more sadistic slapstick.
Daniel & Jared: My mate and myself, playing warped, ADHD, sex-obsessed versions of our actual selves. We narrate the stories (for some reason). The idea was that every story would open with a senseless three-way conversation.
Count Christov Monatti: Adam's nemesis, who sounds and looks exactly like Christopher Lee. Can show up anyway that's convenient for the story.
Frenchie LePuerzzier: French stereotype, who also plays the role of villain.
Sweeny Todd: A charming and idiotic cockney swindler who is incredibly stereotypical. A character I made up in drama class.
Dr Claw & Professor Tetrisfan: Two endlessly bickering and immature internet users - Claw is the 13-year old AOLer you hate, while Tetrisfan is the 19-year old braces-wearing pedant you also hate. They pop up in the stories in bizarre contexts for no readily explained reason. It's completely random if they act as heroes or villains.
Har D.C Ore: Insane, shouting black action hero. I don't think I planned to use him in too many stories, but he's in this one.
Shawn Jett: Californian stoner and Hollywood superstar. Another drama class character.
Tom Baker: Or rather a shoddy impression. Tom Baker would appear regularly in the scripts, generally as Prime Minister of Great Britain.
And, of course, there's assorted minor characters and shonky celebrity impersonations in each story to fill out to a cast of THOUSANDS.
Of course, bear in mind I wrote this some time ago (some of Tetrisfan's dialogue dates it quite well, actually) and wanted a complete script so wrote basically all of this in one night. And I'm not sure how funny it actually is, given the amount of personal jokes and the fact that it was intended to be spoken and heard rather than read.
And, what the hell, I've posted other stuff up here...
How to Kill a Man in 10 Days
Adam: Okay, I’m here guys. Where’s the script?
(FX – Thud)
Adam: Okay, guys if you’re going to be like this I’m leaving.
Daniel: Go ahead! We don’t need you.
Adam: Come off it. You know I bring in the female demographic. Because of all the stampeding chicks after my junk, in case I was being too subtle.
Jared: Hehe, junk.
Daniel: Jared, grown ups are talking. Go play with this gun-flavoured lollipop.
(FX – Bang!)
(FX – Thud)
Daniel: Anyway, Adam, we’ve found the perfect replacement for you… this neutered monkey that we trained to talk. Say hello to our new friend, The Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxorodenfoe of Rexicorricalfallapatorious.
Daniel: The name was Jared’s idea. You know, because he’s a tool. But yeah, the best thing about this monkey…
Jared: Wait… this is the punchline!!!
Daniel: He works for peanuts.
(FX – Canned laughter. Thunderous applause.)
Daniel: Thank you, thank you. It was nothing.
Adam: You got that right.
Daniel: Don’t make me hurt you.
Adam: Yeah. So, to return to my original question, where is the script?
(FX – Unzipping and pants falling to ground.)
Jared: Yeah, I get that a lot. HEY-ohhh!
(FX – Crickets chirping. An echoing cough)
Jared: Just to clarify, the joke was the inference that I have an enormous penis and that they were taken aback by it. I know it was kind of subtle and not all of you went to university. So…if you’ve just got it you can laugh now.
Jared: Yeah, well, moving on, I had the inspiration for the script last night. It’s happened a few times, so I’ve taken the precaution of putting a pen on my nightstand. I forgot to put the paper there too and so… well, I’m sure you can figure out the rest. And that was last week, too, so I haven’t had a shower yet so… yeah. You guys aren’t liking this, are you?
Adam & Daniel: OH, GOD NO!
Jared: Right. You don’t want to try and read any, then? Cause I can’t see any of it…
Adam & Daniel: NOOOOO!
Jared: Okay, I can take a hint.
(FX – Pants going back up)
Jared: So… I guess we’ll improvise.
Daniel: The title we’ve just made up while that godawful theme music was playing-
Adam: Oh, my ears!
Daniel: Is “How to Kill a Man in 10 Days”. We’re sure we can make it somehow relevant as the story progress.
Adam: What story?
Daniel: Don’t make me hurt you. Adam, our alleged hero, is currently lying naked, upside down in a bathtub full of ice cubes.
Adam: Where’d that come from?
Daniel: The deepest, darkest recesses of my imagination.
Adam: Oh, god.
(FX – Alarm clock beeping.)
Adam – (Groan) Ah!... what time is it?... 6:75? Ugh, my least favourite part of the day… oh, god, I forgot to take my socks off last night…
(FX – Rummaging through ice cubes.)
Adam – And I forgot to put a blanket on my bed…. Wait, I may have remembered that bit… I’ll just have to find out where my bed is…
(FX – Shifting of ice cubes, and eventual spilling of ice cubes onto the floor as Adam stands up.)
Adam – Wow. I never actually noticed that large surgical scar of the place where one of my kidneys usually goes. In fact, I’d swear that it wasn’t there yesterday… ah, well, I must have cut myself while combing my pubic hair… now where’s my bed?
(FX – Footsteps.)
Adam – Wait a minute… this isn’t my bed… this isn’t even my house… or any house I’ve ever been in… or even a house of any description! This is a Motel!
Todd: (Off) Right you are, sir.
(FX – Todd’s footsteps. Curtains are drawn.)
Todd: The Slash ‘n Dash Motel, sir. I am your concierge (pr. Consi-er-gay) Sweeny Todd, Bric-a-Brac proprietor extray-ordinary. Did you have a nice night?
Adam: I can’t remember any of it…
Todd: Ah, well, in this place that’s usually the very best kind, sir.
Adam: Hang on a moment… ‘Slash ‘n Dash’? Did you cut my kidney out last night?
Todd: Nah. Not me personally-like. I’m just a ‘umble rooms-renter-outerer, if you’ll pardon my sophisticated-type talking. The slashings and dashings are performed by our clientele. It was wot the ‘igh number of said slashings and dashings which precipitated the name-changery of this establishment in wot first place. We used to be called Redfern Industrial Slag Smelters.
Adam: That’s a funny name for a motel.
Todd: Glad to ‘ear it sir. No one else got the joke. If you beg me pardonings, sir, who was it wot cut you open?
Adam: I don’t know! I can’t remember any of last night!
Todd: You can’t, eh? We’ll… I’ll just have to ask THE DOCTOR about this one!
Adam: …The Doctor?
Todd: Nah, sir. Which it is THE DOCTOR, sir. Which it wot extra ‘umph’ type pronouncinations.
Adam: Take me to… THE DOCTOR.
(FX – Dramatic music.)
Claw: Ah so you have come after the 133+ mastery of me the greatest study of human nature in the known multiverse the high guardian of l33t Doktor Claw.
Adam: Not intentionally.
Claw: Friggin llama.
Adam: Yeah. That stupid cockney who runs this place seemed to think that you could help me.
Claw: The claw only helps those who first help themselves do you help yourself Adam don’t answer that of course you don’t friggin llama hahahahaha ill hax0rise
Adam: I didn’t come here for abuse.
Claw: okay adam I can play your game you are walking down a desert and you see a tortoise who is full n00bish crawling through the sand like some dumbass linux user you pick him up and flip him over and watch his belly baking in the hot sun like those n00bs I p00ned in counterstrike back in 98 he just needs ur help to flip himself up but ur not helping why is that adam?
Adam: What do you mean I’m not helping?
Claw: Damn uz more of a llama than I thought.
Adam: Is this a riddle?
Claw: Answer the frigging question or else ill have to call in my dad and he’s a psycho and he’ll kick
Adam: Okay… why am I not helping the turtle?... Is it because it is only through suffering at the hands of a higher power that we can truly grow inner-strength that we need to destroy the adversity we face?
Claw: OMFG obviously that was an easy one friggin llama.
Adam: Right. Now will you tell me who it is who stole my organ?
Claw: yes the time has come you are a wizard harry j/k it wasn’t even funny n00b right you get a choice funnyman mcllama. Take the blue pill and u’l wake up tomorrow in
Adam: Er, yeah, I think I’ll pass on that one…
Claw: …or get the red pill and stay on board like warf in next generation so you can see just how deep the llama hole goes.
Adam: Do you have to keep bringing up the llamas?
Claw: Only cause
Adam: Anyway, red pill it is!
(FX – Gulp)
Christov: Let me get this straight… you wake up in a motel room with no knowledge of the previous nights’ events, talk to the obviously sleazy owner, who leads you to a retarded computer nerd in a completely deserted room with no open windows and deadlocked doors. You then proceed to take an unknown pill as soon as it is proferred. You aren’t very smart, are you, Adam?
Adam: Urh, I don’t feel so well…
Christov: Party time!
(FX – Clothes being torn off. Doors opening, people walking in.)
LePuezzier: Zis my kind of scene!
Quagmire: Heh, heh, alright!
Tom Baker: Hello.
Bilbo: I’d very much like to hold it again…
Christopher Eccleston: This is FANTASTIC!
Blade: You didn’t think I’d forgotten about you, did you?
Jared: Unfortunately at this point those damned pesky censorship laws spoil all our fun.
Daniel: Goddamnit! Those were my favourite bits!
Jared: Suffice it to say, what happened to Adam was very not good. And not really funny.
Daniel: What he’s trying to say is, in case there are some impressionable kids listening to this is, just in case you’re not already doomed to eternal damnation, is that rape is wrong, mkay? Don’t rape people.
Jared: At all. It’s not like those diet people, who say ‘Don’t eat chocolate’ when they REALLY mean ‘don’t eat TOO MUCH chocolate’. We’re talking no rape at all.
Jared: And don’t covet your neighbour’s arse, either!
Daniel: Yeah. We’re already going to hell, so we’ll be coveting all night long, but you guys should show some restraint.
Jared: Anyway, back to the story. Adam wakes up the next morning, is a little shocked, disgusted, etc, has three showers and vows to have his revenge. He then hunts down Sweeny Todd, who those of you without ADD will remember is the motelier.
Todd: (Singing to self) Woke up quick, at about noon, felt that I ‘ad to be in
Adam: Well, well, well.
Todd: Arrrrgh! Ooh, sorry. Excuse me terror-fied-type screaming. I’s just thinking wot you was about to kill me.
Adam: Yeah, and you could be right.
Todd: Aw, tha’s a bit harsh!
Adam: You led me into a trap to violate my body before harvesting my organs.
Todd: Well, I can’t say I DIDN’T do it…
Adam: What’s going on here?
Todd: They’s gentlemen sir, which it wos did ‘orrible things to you which I most certainly did not tape nor put on my webcam for a very cheap membership fee of $14.50 which it is fortnightly just in case you’s was wot wondering sir, are VAMPIRES.
Todd: Remember wot I said about umph-type annunciation?
Adam: Remember what I said about killing you?
Todd: Not really.
(FX – Gunshot. Body falls to floor.)
Adam: Well, that was quick and painless. Oh crap, he was my only lead… I’ll have to find an experienced vampire hunter!
(FX – Dial tone with phone ringing. After a pause the receiver is picked up.)
Adam: Hey, is this…er, “Zak’s Vampire Hunting”?
Zak: Yeah. What you want?
Adam: Okay, I’m after a large group of vampires. Ring-leader is Count Christov Monatti, and one of them is known as Doctor Claw.
Zak: Whatever. Listen, mate, I’m booked pretty solid at the moment. Big vampire season. I’ll be with you maybe next week.
Adam: What? Those vampires have a great deal of my internal organs! I’d say I have about 10 days left to live!
Zak: Have you ever considered moving into the pornographic films industry?
Adam: Well, yeah… hang on, what does that have to do with anything?
Zak: They say that’s where the vampires congregate. Obviously.
Zak: They are the embodiement of all sins, all human depravity. Work it out, you idiot.
Adam: Thank you for your help, Mister Zak!
Zak: Hold up, you owe me $50.00!
Zak: Consultation fees.
Adam: You’re a prick, Mister Zak!
(FX – Phone hanging up)
Adam: And now, I’m going into the movies!
Shawn Jett: Okay, this film is going to be bigger than ever! We’re talking donkey big. With a capital dong.
LePuezzier: Huhuhu! Your innuendo gives me frog-type laughing
Jett: In-your-end-o? Heh, I’m going to have to use that. Anyway, I need this film to be publicised high and low – but especially low… that was a joke.
LePuezzier: What? Oh. Hahaha.
Jett: Yeah. Can’t you just see it in the lights: “Miss Janet the Secretary’s Orgasmatronic Adventures in
LePuezzier: Not really.
Jett: It’ll be the biggest budget ever used in pornographic film history!
LePuezzier: But, we’re just hiring people off the street…
Jett: Your point?
LePuzzier: Well, where’s the budget going?
Jett: Haven’t you noticed that I get my checques signed ‘Snow-man’?
LePuezzier: Oh. Of course.
Jett: Now, let’s go make movies!
Adam: Haha. Disguised as an out of work actor/hobo on the streets of L.A I estimate I’ll only have to wait five seconds before being offered a part in a porno.
Jett: Yo. Wanna get your groove on in some shamblastic shizne?
Adam: Why else would I be sitting in this gutter?
Jett: Good point. LePwet-zo-ear, take him away.
Adam: You mind?
(FX – Door closing and footsteps –back in studio)
LePuezzier: Okay, we just need you to give us something for a skin test.
Adam: Don’t you mean ‘screen test’?
LePuezzier: Ah, you non-Frenchy people crack me up. Haha. I said ‘crack’.
Adam: So, what, you want me to disrobe so you can film my naked supple frame?
LePuezzier: That’s the basic idea, oui.
Adam: Okay. But be aware you’re going to make a heap of people jealous.
(FX – Clothes falling to ground)
LePuezzier: Oh, oui! Oui! Ou… what the…?
Adam: I know. Most people are quite stunned.
(FX – Canned laughter. Thunderous applause.)
Jared: Hey, come on! That was like, exactly the same joke I used!
Daniel: Yeah, but he’s got charisma.
Jared: He can take his charisma and SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS! Screw you guys, I quit!
(FX – Storming out of building.)
Daniel: He’ll be back. Where were we?
Adam: Staring at my naked body.
Daniel: So, nothing out of the ordinary?
Adam: Shut up.
LePuezzier: Why do you ‘ave, ‘ow you say, bloody massive scars across your entire body?
Adam: Well, some vampires cut me open a while back.
LePuezzier: Sacre Bleu! Sadristi! Mon telephone, yo quiera taco bell muchos sotto voce por favore schiezer hausen. Er… well, I wasn’t one of them if that’s what you were thinking…
Adam: Oh, I know. See I was wearing this extra-strong garlic deodorant anyway.
LePuezzier: What? Oh sh-
(FX – Explosion mixed with splatter effects.)
Adam: They actually do that? So cool.
Adam: Oh god… who are you?
Adam: Cool. I’m down.
(FX- Door opening.)
Jett: Alright, French dude, I was thinking-
(FX – Wild gunfire. Body falling to the floor.)
Adam: I don’t think he was a vampire…
Adam: Er…I guess I don’t have one. Can you point that gun away for the moment?
(FX – Gunshot)
Adam: Don’t we need special swords, UV, garlic, silver, and all that stuff to kill vampires?
Adam: Somehow you remind me of Blade…
Adam: Wow. You should be a motivational speaker.
(FX – Car doors opening, closing. Seatbelts put on, etc.)
Adam: So, where to now?
Adam: As a wild guess I’d say Count Christov’s lair.
(FX – Car morphing into rocket engine, played ridiculously fast, mixed with water effects and drive-by gunshots)
Jared: Meanwhile, Count Christov is in
Daniel: I knew you’d come back!
Jared: Oh, you know I could never leave you.
(FX – Romantic music, which cuts out suddenly)
Jared: But, yeah, Christov is currently meeting with the PRIME MINISTER of England!!!!
Tom Baker: Hello.
Christov: Mister Baker, it is a pleasure to see you.
Tom Baker: The pleasure’s all mine I assure you.
Christov: No, it is mine also, I insist.
Tom Baker: Really? You’ve also got a prostitute concealed under the table, then?
Christov: Table? No. But, to business…
Tom Baker: Oh, of course. I’ll just take my medication…
(FX – Snorting.)
Tom Baker: Ah, that’s better. I am now in negotiating mode. If you know what I mean. Now, just what was it you wanted?
Christov: Nothing pressing. I assure you this will be finished before I finish this Dutch.
(FX – Joint lighting up)
Christov: My informants tell me that strains of infected blood have been supplied to patients in your hospitals after a mishap involving black-market purchases from
Tom Baker: Not compared to my bedroom, no, but… I take your point. Besides, I always hate people dying when I’m not there to see it.
Christov: What if I told you there was an easy solution?
Tom Baker: I am all earlobes.
Christov: Excellent. Mr Claw!
(FX – Double door crashing open. Slow footsteps echoing through hall.)
Tom Baker: Oh, good god!
Claw: My doctor tells me the growth will just clear up but I don’t like my doctor hes a llama.
Tom Baker: Why have you brought this specimen in here? If it’s for entertainment purposes I have to tell me he’s not my type.
Christov: Because, Mr Prime Minister, Claw and I are both vampires!
Claw: we are the l33test mofos around for sure no matter what crazyminx says about me to her dad we own n00bs the world over with the whole sucking blood crazy stuff yeh is well cool .llama
Tom Baker: I still fail to understand your point.
Christov: My dear, foolish pocket-monkey. Obviously we can reach a compromise. Your government is clearly unable to support the health needs of the lower classes. What if a third-party was to assume total control of their health?
Tom Baker: Privitisation of the health department to a foreign company? Outrageous, scandalous and just plain wrong! Why the bloody hell didn’t I think of that?
Claw: haha if we buy up the health for poor ppl we take them and turn them into vampires after taking their blood .more vampires more power vice versa etc eg plus wes get the blood. No more drinking the llama’s blood!
Tom Baker: Surely the public won’t let me get away with this?
Christov: No, but that doesn’t matter. I think you’ll find that the House of Commons currently has precisely 8.1 MPs inside. The perfect time to have a vote.
Tom Baker: Excellent idea. Let’s go.
(FX – MPs snoring.)
Tetrisfan: Furthermore, British public, it has come to my attention that the BBCs new production of Doctor Who has been shameful in terms of continuity. Not only do the suppositions of the so-called ‘Time War’ sub-plot entirely conflict with novel continuity (with which the new series was allegedly to be harmonious) but the Sonic Screwdriver was destroyed in Peter Davison’s era. True, it could have been possible that, as ‘BogBlaster98’ theorized the Doctor has recovered Romana’s sonic screwdriver this is a contrivance that warrants extrapolation, preferably in the script I sent to Mr Robert T. Davies, to which he has no replied to in any form (Though I believe the Christmas special outline has blatantly plagiarized me). It is because of this that I propose BBC Wales is to be abolished as form of reprimand, or, preferably, Wales itself. I know this is something we have been petitioning for a long time and, IMHO, I’d like to see some results.
Speaker: Would the Right Honourable Member for Chippinsodburry shut the *Beep* up?
Tetrisfan: Please. There is no need for confrontational language. This is supposed to be a place of disc-
(FX: Something to the effect of a smack mixed with a thud)
Tetrisfan: Ow!...although I generally refrain from quoting popular culture, and I am left with no choice but to emulate Mike Myers… ‘Who throws a shoe? Really?”
(FX: See above)
Speaker: There’s more where that came from!
Tetrisfan: Worst house of parliament ever!
Speaker: Have you finished your madman propaganda?
Tetrisfan: I just want a vote to abolish
Speaker: *Sigh* Okay, but then we all go home. Agreed?
Tetrisfan: Is cool.
Speaker: All those in favour?
Speaker: All opposed can shut the *beep* up. Motion carried, or whatever the proper phrase is. I’m outta here.
(FX – Doors banging open. Ungodly choir music.)
Tom Baker: I have a vote to propose!
Speaker: Oh, Jesus Christ, what now?
Tom Baker: Nothing major. At least not compared to the contents of my pants. We’re just privatising healthcare and selling it to a group of Transylvanian investors called the Union Nosferatu.
Speaker: Whatever. Motion carried, etc.
Tetrisfan: No! I object!
(FX – The shoe thing again.)
Tetrisfan: Ow! No, seriously, they’re obviously vampires! It’s all part of some giant vampire plot to destroy the lower class of
Speaker: Sounds *beep*ing brilliant to me.
Tetrisfan: You totally cannot do this! There is no majority in this argument.
Speaker: Yeah, except that guy over there is the Prime Minister. And you’re about to be kicked in the testes.
(FX – Kicked in the nuts. Thud onto floor)
Christov: Claw, dispose of that body.
(FX – Something being thrown through window and crashing onto street below.)
Speaker: Is all cool. Oh, while you’re here, Mister Prime Minister, may I enquire as to what escort service do you use?
Tom Baker: Which one don’t I use?
Aaaand, that's as far as I got. Does Christov harvest the sweet, sweet blood of Battersea? Does Adam survive a ride in the Oremobile? Will Christopher Eccleston's Doctor ever impress Tetrisfan? Does Claw serve any purpose in the plot? All of those questions will remain unanswered unless I ever actually finish this thing.