Wednesday, January 17, 2007

UNINAUGURAL POST: Music Videos are Terrible

Before I say anything of relevance, I would just like to announce that this blog will hereby be 100% in Times New Roman. Why? Because this blog does not seem to give me the power to change the font. Damn those Zionists and their pro-Serif font conspiracy which has caused all the wars in the world! You think I'm making this up? The leading Sans-Serif font is Arial. Arial. Sounds a lot like Aryan, doesn't it messugah bahmitzvah oy-vay kosher good deals at the corner shop, eh?

Anyway, moving on

I realised that I had been misleading in my initial post. I stated roughly what you could expect. But I made on very large omission. Expect a lot of bitching about the staggering awfulness of every music video out there on TV.

But Jared, say people who have the impudence to address me by my Christian name, surely if you don't like music videos you don't have to watch them. Unless you're like the Ron Mallett of the music video world, or like those sad forty year old bloggers who go to see all of the Star Wars prequels just so they can post endless theories and essays for why the Originals were awe-inspiring classics of cinema yet the prequels are commercialistic, gimmicky crap?

Sorry, I reply, I kind of lost the gist of your argument when you went on a complete tangent.

Jesus Christ just don't watch music videos!

Oh, right. Point taken.

But the problem with that ideal solution is that I am an insecure person wanting to get into acting. So I go to a gym regularly, and, of course, gyms need repetitive soulless slush in the background with vocals provided by an African-American eunuch with the vocabulary of a martian visitor. Channel V is the only reliable source for this 24 hrs a day... except when they start playing shows about pissheads filming themselves with digicams late at night. But even then I'm sure there's some Akon in the background.

So while the gym is a great experience for building myself up and getting fit, I am subjected to music that I can't stand and videos that... well, you'll see. Not only that... I have the nerdish gift of instant recall for pointless facts. The name of Gandalf's ring is Narya, the dude Vader strangled in Ep 4 is Admiral Motti, the gun that Jack handles in ep 1.09 of Torchwood is from ep 28.09 of Doctor Who and so on. This means that slowly I am gaining an irritatingly comprehensive knowledge about music I hate. I want to do something with this vapid intellectual baggage so, sorry, it's going up here.

Excuse the mess.

Jared reviews Music Videos Episode One

NAS - Hip Hop is Dead

The title of this track should be enough to get you scratching your head. Whu? Hip-hop is dead? It's even stranger seeing it in context, after straight doses of Snoop Dogg's "Vato", Eminem's "Forgettable new track", Kanye West's entire output for this year, and, if you're really unlucky, the work of Mr Bubba Sparxxx. (You'll be hearing about him later)

But rest assured, Hip Hop is NOT dead. In spite of the sombre opening frames, in which a text crawl informs us that the US Government has abolished Hip Hop to vindicate the idea for the sheep out there that what they're listening to is somewhat 'edgy', NAS's opening words of "Man, if hip hop dies..." tells us what the deal is. It's a hypothetical. Educating us in the ways of what life would be like without the inspiring magic of simplistic spoken verse dubbed onto 5th rate techno.

Actually, not really. It's... well, the clip is probably best described as one big masturbation trip for NAS - we're in some sort of a parallel universe where Hip-Hop actually is the mind-meltingly progressive underground movement they like to pretend it is. It's in some sort of Orwellian police-state dystopic future, where the only way you can ensure freedom from the overlords is to migrate in your tracksuit regalia to deserted basements and warehouses and buy lots of NAS's T-shirts and CDs. You may scoff at the idea of a rebel cynically cashing in on his acolytes by charging them top dollar for T-shirts in his honour, but it worked for Che Guevara. And he's pretty much the biggest rebel out there!

Looking back, maybe I've picked a bad clip to start with as, unlike many out there it isn't actively ball-rippingly atrocious. It's just based on a stupid idea. What can hip-hop rebels do? Listen to hip-hop. See, the reason most rap clips are terrible is because they desperately try to use gimmicks to distract people from the music. Actual bands have the ability to look cool by playing instruments. So if they're like Wolfmother and too fucking stoned to put together a real clip they can just drive into the middle of the desert and start playing - bang! Got a clip. But with rap? All you can get is a guy singing into a mic. And Hip Hop is Dead can't hide this. NAS sings. The rebels just listen, after they're done crawling around stupidly under a blue-lens which kinda makes it look like it's shot at night. (But not really)

They couldn't even think of an ending. The cops show up and everyone runs off. Blah. I have to say, that if I made this clip, it wouldn't have been quite the same. The head cop dude would be wearing a massive suit of leather and have a big metal eyepatch covering half his face. The other cops would be pale bloodsucking female creatures wearing black lycra. They'd have lots of guns. Once they crash through the doors, NAS would turn in shock to a Notorious BIG look-a-like, with a scar running through one of his eyes.

"Did you betray ME, dawg?"

"Yo, NAS-"

BANG! NAS blows out the Biggy guy's stomach with his Nine, the bloodsucking cops start firing. Everyone there gets blown away in slow-mo, until NAS himself is the only one left standing, and the screen fades into black as he gives a defiant smile in the face of the troops cornering him from all sides...

It's a great way to end anything. Someone should use it before it ends up in some TV show...


Youth of Australia said...

Aw man, I wish I could print this stuff off...

Give up your day job, you've got material here for a book!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Glad to hear you found this funny. As I was writing it I couldn't work out if it was anything but retarded.

Also, I don't have a day job.

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I do. And if I could write this good, I'd quit without a shadow of a doubt.